Sunday, July 20, 2003
1:21 pm: Need to be a good girl. Shower and then clean up some around the house to feel productive. DeKooning (my fish) is due to have his fish bowl cleaned, plus I need to wash some clothes. All of this to hopefully create some daylight time for me to paint. It used to be in college that I painted more at night, but something in me says that I'll probably do better during the day at this point of 2003. It will help me from getting sad and meddle on things that will put me in a 'too alone' type of mood.
I wasn't able to go to sleep when I got home at 4:00 a.m. I went to a concert/show with Matthew, Patrick, and Kevin. I definitly had a great time. It was so amazing to spend time with friends and to see new things. It seems like I learn something new about myself each day. I never realized how strong I am.
I don't think I can get to sleep due to the excessive amounts of caffiene I've had and the fact that something is weighing on my mind. Some voice within my mind keeps saying, "For what a mans speaks is also within his heart." There were some discussions on the way up to Birmingham that rekindled feelings of inadequecy and lack of joy. I've realized lately what the whole 'don't be a stumbling block to your brothers and sisters' thing is all about. A certain subject was raised that I have a difficult time with. It is something that I struggle with within the realm of sin and something that I struggle with within my self-esteem. Sometimes I wish that I could go back to my innocense. It was a good place to be and to not be hurt by what the world dishes out for boys to see with their eyes and toy with their mind. But I have learned a lot in the past few years and I'll make it. (that's what i try to keep saying-must think positive)
Infidelity is a subject that tears me apart. That's why the second story-like cd Pedro the Lion created hurts so badly. I haven't taken the time to really get into the story, but it seems pretty obvious infidelity is involved. The world creates this visual and mental playground where faithfulness and trust are not involved. I hate how I used to feel so shy and intemidated by other girls..........but after a while of being in the real world-latter part of college and after, I realized it was something that could be my downfall.
Trust is something that will take me a long time to rebuild with people I've known for so long. I expect so much more from these people than from someone I just meet. My heart drains of all sweetness and hopefulness when certain sexual subjects take place. It's ok to discuss certain things, but some of the things discussed in the car began to tug at my heart strings. What has happened to this earth? What has happened to relationships and marraige? What has happened to the true beauty of sex? What has happened to the one person you believe God created for you, gentlemen? Sex is not a bad thing, but a lot of it's beauty has been tainted by the world. And a lot of my hopefulness gets tainted by these worldly detours. I have a few newer friends that definitly do not have the same moral views as I. This does not at all make me better than them. I don't see it that way. But I am definitly the odd one out. It was the same way when I lived at the Lofts. It's something that has been in my face for a few years and I'm ready for someone to really be there and love me in a way that makes me forget the sadness of not fitting the same views as a lot of the people I know. Save me from myself God and teach me that I am an amazing woman. Please help me to not compare myself to other women. It's something that I haven't done in months, but I did today in my mind and I hated it. God please forgive me for being mean to anyone tonight. I don't want them to take the front of my esteem. I love myself and things are ok. I like who I am, but I had to release these things so that they wouldn't consume me and burn anyone in my life................I can sleep now. God take care of those who do not have a home and be with the children of the world tonight. Amen.
I don't think I can get to sleep due to the excessive amounts of caffiene I've had and the fact that something is weighing on my mind. Some voice within my mind keeps saying, "For what a mans speaks is also within his heart." There were some discussions on the way up to Birmingham that rekindled feelings of inadequecy and lack of joy. I've realized lately what the whole 'don't be a stumbling block to your brothers and sisters' thing is all about. A certain subject was raised that I have a difficult time with. It is something that I struggle with within the realm of sin and something that I struggle with within my self-esteem. Sometimes I wish that I could go back to my innocense. It was a good place to be and to not be hurt by what the world dishes out for boys to see with their eyes and toy with their mind. But I have learned a lot in the past few years and I'll make it. (that's what i try to keep saying-must think positive)
Infidelity is a subject that tears me apart. That's why the second story-like cd Pedro the Lion created hurts so badly. I haven't taken the time to really get into the story, but it seems pretty obvious infidelity is involved. The world creates this visual and mental playground where faithfulness and trust are not involved. I hate how I used to feel so shy and intemidated by other girls..........but after a while of being in the real world-latter part of college and after, I realized it was something that could be my downfall.
Trust is something that will take me a long time to rebuild with people I've known for so long. I expect so much more from these people than from someone I just meet. My heart drains of all sweetness and hopefulness when certain sexual subjects take place. It's ok to discuss certain things, but some of the things discussed in the car began to tug at my heart strings. What has happened to this earth? What has happened to relationships and marraige? What has happened to the true beauty of sex? What has happened to the one person you believe God created for you, gentlemen? Sex is not a bad thing, but a lot of it's beauty has been tainted by the world. And a lot of my hopefulness gets tainted by these worldly detours. I have a few newer friends that definitly do not have the same moral views as I. This does not at all make me better than them. I don't see it that way. But I am definitly the odd one out. It was the same way when I lived at the Lofts. It's something that has been in my face for a few years and I'm ready for someone to really be there and love me in a way that makes me forget the sadness of not fitting the same views as a lot of the people I know. Save me from myself God and teach me that I am an amazing woman. Please help me to not compare myself to other women. It's something that I haven't done in months, but I did today in my mind and I hated it. God please forgive me for being mean to anyone tonight. I don't want them to take the front of my esteem. I love myself and things are ok. I like who I am, but I had to release these things so that they wouldn't consume me and burn anyone in my life................I can sleep now. God take care of those who do not have a home and be with the children of the world tonight. Amen.