(listening to Roadside Monument and starting a drawing) So I'm here with my crucifix around my neck and Dublin Rocks tshirt attempting to make one with my oil pastels, sketch pad, and easel after a 'more than a year' departure from anything artistic. Drawing a tree to the left hand side, thinking of Eden and God's regulation on the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.....and I just can't let go of this odd feeling. My trip to Mobile this past weekend was the strangest ever. I never feel uncomfortable when I go down there but this time was different. It wasn't Docia or Tony because I felt completely comfortable around them. But it seemed like everyone else was out of sorts. Last night was especially confusing..........feeling like someone was distant and not open with me. For once I was completely comfortable with myself but wondering if I was a letdown.......so weird. Human nature............ Or maybe everyone is just going through something major. I just went home with leftovers of odd feelings not knowing what I did wrong for it to be such a strange visit.

I prayed for God to take the confusion away from me...............so that I could see truth.

Somedays I feel so hopeless and then somedays I feel like God is near. I felt as if something is to be revealed to me in the next 12 months while I was praying; guessing that this was the Holy Spirit whispering through the cobwebs in my heart. 12 months? Strange. One thing I know is that I'll have to make a decision about moving by the end of the year so I'll know what I'm doing when my job ends. My job will be over at the beginning of February. It may even be sooner, but we have been told that we will still receive pay like we're working through February. That way I could get another job (that's fun) and put that money into savings. What are my options in moving a boy asked me last night. Really I don't know. I want to make sure I'm not moving for other people. I've been doing for 'other people' for years and now I feel like I don't have any purpose. Please keep this in your prayers if anyone is reading this.........I have a lot to think about between now and my self-induced deadline for the end of the year.

(walks back over to the easel, picks up a graphite stick and starts drawing again)

I got in from Mobile around 2:30 in the morning. This was a lot later than I expected but Docia and I wanted to get some 'talk time' in before I left. It was a peculiar weekend in terms of seeing friends. They would talk to me one way and then the next time I see them or talk with them on the phone they would act completely different. I knew not to blame myself (which is something I used to and sometimes still struggle with), but in my heart I knew that I was being myself all weekend and it wasn't me acting strange. God and I had a really good talk on the way back as I listened to Sal Paradise and Sunny Day Real Estate.

More later. Must go to work.

Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
-Phillipians 4:5-7

I'm trying the best I can to relate to people and what life means but it's so hard. You put forth your life and heart towards someone, it doesn't work out..and then you're left not knowing where to turn. Things are so superficial in this life, in this world, in this age. Does anyone really respect anyone anymore? Is it all about one-upping your acquaintances with how bad you've been or how far you've gone? What happened to admiring and desiring the innocent things? Why do I feel so out of place everywhere like no one knows me anymore? I guess I just can't relate and don't care about diluting myself so that other people will like or desire me. I hate games and have hated how games have made me feel over the past 5-6 years. All I can do is just try to feel like there's something more important in this life. That someday someone will be in my life that really cares about me and not the facades, glitter, and show we put on to make ourselves attractive to others.

On the road.........

I can't wait. I get to get out of town for a few days. I'll be making my way down to Mobile tomorrow afternoon. What will I be listening to? I replaced the cds in my car with the ones below.....

-Sunny Day Real Estate: The Rising Tide
-Death Cab for Cutie: You can play these songs with chords
-Stina Nordenstam: And she closed her eyes
-Mike Knott: Strip Cycle
-My Bloody Valentine: Loveless
-Our Lady Peace: Spiritual Machines
-Viva Voce: the Weightless ep
-The Smashing Pumpkins: Rotten Apples/Greatest Hits
-Pixies: death to the Pixies
-Radiohead: The Bends
-For Squirrels: Example
-Weezer: Pinkerton

Books: I've started reading again. You must first understand that this is a big deal. Somehow I got through middle school, high school, and college without really reading anything. I think the only books I read were C.S. Lewis and that was for my own enjoyment. I wish that I could apologize to all of my English teachers from the past. Well, I started really reading in February 2003 to help me deal with all the time on my hands while I dealt with a major breakup. I've been listening to Our Lady Peace's Spiritual Machines a lot lately and it has inspired me to finally read George Orwell's 1984. I'm really enjoying it so far. Here are some of the books I've read since the start in February 2003.....

-Jack Kerouac: On The Road
-Janet Fitch: White Oleander
-Virginia Holman: Rescuing Patty Hearst
-Anne Lamott: Traveling Mercies
-Oscar Wilde: The Picture of Dorian Gray
-David Guterson: Our Lady of the Forest

I'm trying to feed myself with literary, cinematic, and musical inspiration since my artistic inspiration has been smothered for some time. I hope that these things encourage me to create again one day.

I love you all. Be awesome. Love God. and love the hopeless tonight.

Cindy

Stay gold pony boy......stay gold.

Today has felt better than the past few weeks........

I was feeling really sick last night (either illness or sadness, I'm not sure) so I stayed in. That's not very surprising since I haven't gone out anywhere besides Friday nights with my friends or getting out of town. It's like I just can't get the faith in myself raised enough to feel hopeful and be around people in stores, people drinking coffee discussing and laughing, couples holding hands........so I've stayed in my tiny apartment for about 2 1/2 months. (Yeah, I know..........pity-pot) Well, I was going to get out last night and purchase George Orwell's 1984. I have been listening to Our Lady Peace's 'Spiritual Machines' and it's helped me get into the mood to finally read 1984. I used to have a copy but it has taken missing somehow. Well, due to feeling really bad I just stayed home. This worked out anyway because I wanted to catch a special on VH1 about the first troops to be stationed in Iraq. They have been over there the longest. The special focused on the music they listen to over there to either get them motivated for their missions, to keep their hopes up, etc. It was a beautiful thing to watch knowing what these guys are dealing with over there and understanding how much music can mean in a persons life.

Well, just watching the guys on tv and the emails my brother has sent the family really made me look at my attitude. I'm suffering from a broken heart but there are people dying over there. People missing their families, their wives and husbands, their children........... And I sit here moping, sitting in my own discontent, asking 'why me?' when I take a look at the state of my heart................... Love is a beautiful thing but love also has really disappointed me, but I have hope in love. Today just felt different because I knew there were bigger things than my heartache. There are people on the streets without shelter, children being abused, people losing lives, people without hope, rape, anger, greed, war, pain............... and I sit sad and depressed because I feel like I have lost my soul-mate. What I fail to realize in my situation is that I loved with all that I had and more...but I can't make everything better on my own. A relationship is two people and when I look back I was loving honestly and deeply. And that's all I can do. I've got to realize that I can't fix everything. It's not always my fault the way things pan out... I'm tired of blaming myself.

I don't know how things should be over in Iraq, if we should be over there or not. I just wish that people could love and respect each other and value each other's feelings and lives. I pray that peace and love will overflow into all of the nations. We all fight and argue so much, between nations, between families, in our relationships.....but there is more to life. Each day of our life passes and we continue to argue and fight........

I pray for a sense of peace to flow over our hearts tonight and for my soul to be revived, because we are all worth more...................................................including me.

goodnight.

Some names have been changed to * for respect reasons. Just in case anyone even reads this blog......

Heartache and Arguments Dance In My Head...

You might notice that my post from Sunday night is now missing. I felt very vulnerable about what I posted so I decided to delete it..........

Still having a hard time getting sleep. I dream every night about life and relationships. ******* left his last voicemail message last Friday letting me know that he would not call me anymore. I feel bad that I have not returned any of his calls since the end of June, but there's nothing more that I can say. I have said it all and it seems like he would know what is hurting me and what made me break up with him. He said that I should just tell him what I want, I thought that I had done this in an email I sent on his birthday. He has to get himself together before I can talk with him. Through our whole relationship I would let my heart rule above my mind, but this time it's like my mind made up for being shut down for so long. Sometimes I don't know why I can't talk to him or why I won't get out because I'll fear that I'll see him around town. I guess because my heart is broken. It's been broken year after year and my mind wasn't going to sit back and let me take it anymore. Either that or God took control of me and told me that the best thing to do was to walk away. It hurts so much, but it's the same hurt I felt while with him.

God please help me get through this. This has been one of the most difficult things I have had to do. I do miss ******* but I don't miss what our relationship became (or who he became) during the last two months of us dating. Some days I know that I've done the right thing by forcing myself to walk away and somedays the fear that I have let go of all that we had built crushes me down.........

And She Closed Her Eyes

Tonight has been really rough on me. I've worked really hard the past two years to try and keep my emotions in check. Read a little, visited a counselor some, learned to love and respect myself more, and not cry while alone. Crying alone is the worst. It's easier on you when you are crying for someone else......maybe you're making prayers to God for someone else's woes or a solemn weep from a movie you've watched or the state of the world today. But crying alone due to your own dismay is the worst. It's lonely and turns into a endless cycle of sadness. Well, I slipped up and cried alone tonight. I've done really well about not crying a lot (except for a slip up with an old friend on the phone and tonight laying in my bedroom). My break-up two months ago really gets me upset sometimes. The questions of 'did I do the right thing', 'did I express love the best I could', 'will I ever see this person again', 'am I doomed to be alone and unloved relationship-wise' roll in your mind and torture your heart. I haven't slept well either over the past two months. I have been dreaming a lot, tossing and turning, heart-ache abounding. I feel like I truly have a broken heart....not only because I have felt hurt in a relationship but because I have placed hurt upon someone else by having to walk away.

The worst feeling to me is someone not feeling like you love them, no matter how hard you try to express it. I just want everyone to feel loved I guess and I sometimes forget to love myself in the meantime.

I pray for love and joy to be upon your hearts tonight. No matter how lonely you feel or how upset you are about making the right choices........know that you can make it. And I pray that I can remember that too.

(Ingrid called midway through this entry. Thank goodness! I had originally called her to chit-chat about life and find out how her vocal practices are going. -she will be singing at a Bay Bears baseball game at the end of the month; I'm so excited about getting to see her perform- But when she called me back I was boo-hoo city. She reaffirmed how I felt about things and encouraged me to be strong and keep hope. I'm so lucky to have the friends that I have.)

Sleep well,
Cindy

Well, I have computer access again. So maybe I'll try to work through these worldly struggles (the upcoming erasure of my department at work leaving me without a job in a few months, wondering where I will go after my job is eliminated, walking away from someone that has been in my life for a long time, feeling alone wondering about being a wife and mother someday, wondering who God is anymore and if He's got his arms around me, what I'm supposed to do with my gifts in this world, etc) as I type each Sunday. My first journal entry is below. May peace sweep your soul clean of worry and doubt.
-cindy-

Music: What's currently in my car?
-Roadside Monument: Cornerstone 2002
-Roadside Monument: I am the day of current taste
-Belle and Sebastian: If you're feeling sinister
-The Merbabies: Indio
-Pony Express: The eastwood dive
-Morrissey: Maladjusted
-Doves: Lost Souls
-The Smashing Pumpkins: Adore
-The Cranberries: Stars,The best of 1992-2002
-Mixed CD from a friend
-Our Lady Peace: Spiritual Machines

Movies and Shows I've been watching:
-Lost in Translation (amazing movie, my favorite for the past year.....plus an amazing soundtrack)
-Super Size Me
-Felicity Season II on DVD
-Kill Bill Volume I

Sunday------August 1, 2004-----2:27 pm

So here I am. Sitting in my car at the Montgomery museum of art parking lot. It's my favorite weather right now, parked under a tree--orange, yellow, red, and brown leaves trashed all over the ground. Wind is blowing continuously through the car (all four windows down)...sky is gray with excerts of blue, clouds piled upon each other just past the green hills across the way. Listening to Damien Jurado's 1997-Waters Ave. S. album. I've been able to listen to my old cds again. I felt so guilty trying to listen to them while I was with someone--not because of his doing--but because hearing old music would get me drpressed; thinking about who I used to be, my friends, and how close I felt to God. I miss all three--but hopefully I am becoming a new creation. I hate how artificial and fairytale Christianity feels to me now. I don't want it to be that way, but the worries and wearing away of the world upon me over the past few years has stripped me of that deep faith I used to have. I hate reading the bible and feeling like I'm reading a fiction book you'd pick up at the local B/N. It's like the despondent of this world have stuck a needle to my eye and inserted some solution, making everything I see and read of the "holy" misunderstandable and blurry. I hate debating if God is real, if I just hold on to the hope of faith for nothing. It's funny what the demons sitting beside you can make you believe (or disbelieve). It's like I have to start from square-1 again.

Things I experience that cannot allow me to let go of belief of God...
1) Him telling me to let go of someone.
2) watching the birth of life (either human or animal) when I watch medical shows on tv.
3) creativity...
4) having a peace, although I slip up at times and get sad, for two months of letting someone go.
5) the exploration of saturn & mars that I keep up with on cnn online. How could something so magnificent happen without God creating it?!
5) the spiritual connection I feel with certain people.

I pray that I'll survive and find that faith I used to have---or a new level of faith I could not imagine. For now I hope...that God will plant things and people in my life to remind me He's working on me. To get me back to life and breath in me a beautifully complex and faith based life----and feeling whole again.
Amen,
-cindy-