Stayed home today. Woke up at 5:30 am to a moment of throwing up. Of all things, I think throwing up is the worst. I haven't vomited in like two years. argh. So went in and out of sleep until the uneasiness went away, which was around 5:30 pm.

(currently listening to Sigur Ros-"Agaetis Byrjun") Ever since I first heard this song I thought it would be a great wedding entrance song. You know, the whole groomsmen - bridesmaid - flower girl - bride walking down the aisle thing. Maybe who ever I marry one day will be keen to the idea.

Tuscaloosa: Went to Tuscaloosa this past weekend for the second annual Rockarts Christmas party. Last year there were ten of us; this year there were more like 40. yikes, most of them I did not know. / Went to church, which I haven't done in a while. / Also, went to see The Lion , The Witch, and The Wardrobe with the church crew. I was going to wait and finish re-reading the book but decided to hit up the movie while a group wanted to go. It was great!

Unfortunately, when I returned home Sunday - Dekooning had died. The first thing I did when I walked in was go to feed him, and there I found him dead in his bowl. I immediately called my Mom balling my eyes out. It sounds stupid to be attached to a fish, but I was. He was my buddy. I got him back in Winter 2001. So I've had him for four years. It was really hard on me to lose him. I am going to get a flower pot tomorrow and bury him. My mom said that I win the record for having a fish the longest. She said that he's been a good fish and deserves a proper burial (I love my mom). So say a little prayer for Dekooning as I lay him to rest tomorrow.

Well, my last few days of being 28 is coming to a close. I guess my childhood prophesy of being married or engaged by 28 will not come into being. Owell... Sometimes I worry that I won't find anyone. To find a guy with a good faith in God/Christ and who is laid back enough is hard. Most spiritual guys are too uptight. And most of them are uncomfortable around a girl like me. I'm spiritual but watch and listen to things that are more liberal I guess artistically......... I hope I find someone some day....that will love me truelly.

Alright, although I've been asleep for most of the day it's time for me to crash. Hope work is not crazy tomorrow. Night you guys, out.

Finally seeing U2 was surreal. It still feels like I wasn't really there. I think it's because the band is older now and so iconic. So it may have been better if I could have seen them a few albums ago, when things were still green and musical experimentation was still prevalant. I'm not saying that I had a bad time at all. I just don't remember it all. It was all a musical-spiritual daze of sorts that I can't entirely remember. So I'm going to go purchase their concert on DVD when ever I have the funds and rewatch what I experienced. I guess I just felt so lucky to finally be seeing one of my all time favorite bands, so it was all so surreal.

It was kind of funny because Docia and I felt younger than most of the people sitting around us. One (already a few beers to the belly full) guy talked with us before the concert. He didn't think we were true U2 fans..........what a freak. When I told him the first time I heard and watched U2 was back during Boy (heard-on a record and saw-recorded broadcast of U2 performing I Will Follow). He was taken aback with that info and then changed the subject. The girl beside Docia asked us if we were the type to scream through the whole concert. What a freak! You paid $100+ for your ticket and you are not going to scream!? She had basically seen U2 a ton of times (and was a few years older) so she was set in her old timer ways. Luckily I was sitting beside a guy closer to my age who definitely knew his U2. We both lost it when the old stuff started playing. Some old Irish rebel jumped in me when songs from War started up....my fist was pounding in the air, singing my heart out, having some sort of spiritual moment. It's all a blur of sorts. And no, Docia and I didn't have any alcohol, ha.

It was definitely amazing but I hate that I don't remember every detail of the experience. I definitely have the U2 concert fever and am ready to see them again if they decide to do another tour, which is unlikely.

I was impressed with how many older songs the guys played. I mean, the new stuff is great but I feel like it's more of the stuff the older crew enjoys. You could tell that at the concert. The older people were rocking out to everything, but harder to the "Beautiful Day"/Atomic Bomb sets. Where, I have a hard time getting into that stuff./ It appeared that U2 enjoyed performing the Achtung Baby/Zooropa set the most. Throughout that whole section they surrounded Larry and just rocked out. They weren't even looking at each other-just staring at their instruments, feeling the vibe. Even Bono wasn't out and about the stage. He was right there with them.

Something that surprised me is that I ended up watching the Edge more than Bono throughout the concert. The Edge was amazing..........

I was sad that they didn't play "I Will Follow" but all in all, the set (songs played) was amazing. Here are the songs I remember (minus the last two records since they have taken missing from my cd collection). It will be in chronological order, so this isn't necessarily the order in which they were played.

Sunday Bloody Sunday
New Year's Day
Two Hearts Beat As One
40
Desire
I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
Pride (In the Name of Love)
Angel of Harlem
Bullet The Blue Sky
Where The Streets Have No Name
With or Without You
In God's Country
One
Until the End of the World
Mysterious Ways
Miss Sarajevo
Staring at the Sun
Gone

. 

Food, caffiene, and friends at the ole Carpe Diem. Me, Susannah (left) and Ingrid (right). 10/31/2005 

Docia and I -U2 tickets in one hand, Gyros and fries in the other. 

Mom and I outside of Philips Arena. Mom hung out until Docia and I went in to see U2. I think she was on the look out for Bono....hengh hengh. 

Traditions: The Jones' take backwards pics and I go overhead...... Me at Carpe Diem-front porch corner w/ Ingrid and Susannah 10/31/2005. 

Coughs and quizzes

Hello everyone. I have been seriously ill lately so I am delayed in posting anything meaningful. I am still pretty sick but hoping for full recovery after the weekend. Here's a short quiz I saw on a friend's (well, he no longer calls me a friend - ?) website. I love quizzes so here we are...

favorite artist(S) - basquiat, jackson pollock, andy warhol, bosch, robert motherwell, robert rauschenberg, willem de kooning, arshile gorky

Age of 1st kiss: 21

Crush: wish I had one to occupy my time. there was a really cute guy in the dvd section of best buy the other night. does that count?

Dad's name: jim (james)

Kids: i'd like to have three or four. one i would like to adopt.

Longest car ride ever: weekend car rides to nowhere with matt back in college.

Phobia: some are phobias, some are just dislikes. extreme heights, rape, porta-potties, poodles, actually seeing a ghost in real life, not finding that special someone.

Quote: "Don't know.... Don't care!" - my mom's response when asked something by a co-worker.

Worst habit: Obsessing over situations, feeling like a failure or self-depreciating myself, going to sleep too late, hitting 'snooze' in the morning.

Ok, post your answers in the comments section if you'd like. Or if you have some other good quiz questions, post them. Good night. Off to read The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe.....I'll post more later and about U2 and stuff.
c

thinking, breathing, listening, feeling, sighing, holding, wishing, remembering, shrugging, loving, doubting, stretching, pausing, cowering, hearing, crying, hugging, missing, binding, freeing, arching, turning, losing, hoping, coughing, fearing, kissing, wondering, wandering hopefully somewhere some day...........
goodnight, cindy ann

the sky is grey
the sand is grey
and the ocean is grey

and i feel right at home
in this stunning monochrome
alone in my way

i smoke and i drink
and every time i blink
i have a tiny dream

but as bad as i am
i'm proud of the fact
that i'm worse than i seem

what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still i want more
maybe some tiny shiny key
will wash up on the shore

you walk through my walls
like a ghost on tv
you penetrate me

and my little pink heart
is on its little brown raft
floating out to sea

and what can i say
but i'm wired this way
and you're wired to me

and what can i do
but wallow in you
unintentionally
what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still i want more
maybe some tiny shiny key
will wash up on the shore

regretfully
i guess i've only got
three simple things to say:
why me?
why this now?
why this way?
with overtones ringing
and undertows pulling away
under a sky that is grey
on sand that is grey
by an ocean that's grey

what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want
and still i want more
maybe some tiny shiny key
will wash up on the shore
-grey
by ms. ani difranco

It's a Beautiful Day!!!!!!

I can hardly believe it but around this time tomorrow night I am going to be standing amongst thousands waiting for U2 to take the stage!!!!!!!! I have been waiting for this day since I was a little girl and listening to their album (at that time 'record') Boy. I didn't want to post this too soon on my blog since I was expecting the big letdown that usually occurs when I get my hopes up.........

I was supposed to have this Monday off from work, just to relax, but my brother in GA called me over the weekend and told me to switch my off-day to tomorrow......... The only time he calls me is when he needs a favor..........but this time it was different. He called to say that as my birthday/Christmas gift he had gotten me a ticket to see U2 in Atlanta on the 18th. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (this is how I sounded inside) I couldn't believe it. Both of the ATL shows have been sold out since the tickets went on sale. After much debating I decided to call my friend Docia to see if she wanted to go with me. I wanted her to go with me since our attempt to go to the POP tour didn't work out. I had a double ear infection and sinus infection at the time. The doctor told me that if I went, it was so bad that my eardrum(s) would most likely pop (hengh hengh, POP tour...funny). Docia and I listened to U2 all through college.........so she just would have to be there with me screaming, "Bono, we love you!", like silly little Irish girls.

I still can't believe it. I'm so excited........ I will fill you in on the details after this weekend.

AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

.
Here you go D. I don't have a digital camera so I'll have to bootleg it (ie., scrap of paper, pen, and scanner). -flashing a sly grin-

These tresses are a messes.......

Yikes! I went to get my haircut and the girl got a little scissor happy. I knew she'd have to cut off 1-2 inches since I hadn't had my hair trimmed in like three months......but man. O'well.......I'll get over it. It's probably not as short as it feels.

Some of my favorite girly feel-good movies are on tv today....... She's All That and 10 Things I Hate About You.

Time to get out of my cocoon de casa for some coffee and sketching- something I rarely do anymore. And time for a template change (snaps fingers and blog goes from white to black).

Recent Purchase and Constant Listen: Sigur Ros - Takk...

"I will not take these things for granted...."

So it was late last night (way past my bedtime) so I set the VCR to record the remainder of 'Vanilla Sky'.

Then the end to a horrible/self-esteem kicking week of work closed out..........so after some retail therapy this evening, I curled up on the couch with my blanket and finished the movie.

Some thoughts............don't take people for granted, especially the ones you feel a deep love for. So many times we as 'humans' choose to experience something fleeting (drugs, being with someone else, selfishness, work, etc.) over the person we truly love. And sometimes, as said in the movie, you have to face the consequences of your actions. Tom Cruise's character made one fatal choice, despite his love for someone, that changed everything. After this twist of life-changing fate-Instead of getting his act together and trying to rebuild what he once had, he took another course of action -death (which you could say either ended a love that he could have regained, or you could say it needed to happen in order for him to one day down the road 'choose life' and what it really had to bring.)

It's sad to think about the moments I have missed sharing with people or having for myself because I was at the moment so caught up with 'me'. A good example of this is when Matt's highschool friend was going to be playing at a bar in Montgomery one night. For some reason I was petrified of going inside (low self-esteem)...........I totally felt like crap and really worthless...........I had let things that had happened overshadow who I thought I was and the kind of person "I" wanted to be........and had allowed others' mistakes to screw up my perception of myself and my own self-value. Because of that fear of going inside, I kept my boyfriend from seeing his old friend. I totally had a panic attack outside and wanted to walk home the ten or so miles back to my house. I still think about that and feel sorry for the way I acted. I felt like I screwed up that night.....

People, don't take anyone for granted..........treat them well with respect if you truly care for them......keep their feelings to heart.........and most importantly , respect yourself. We only have one life here on earth.........time is precious.....it can't be turned back. So spend your days, starting right now at this very moment, loving and respecting yourself - getting your life moving in the direction you want it to go - making amends with friends or family that you have hurt - taking time out to just sit for a moment and be cool with who you are - and take to heart the people that you deeply love. Life is fragile and so are hearts. So treat yourself and others well.........
If my Aunt Sylvia were here today she would probably put it like this, "Don't treat yourself or other's like s**t."
I love you Aunt Sib!
night,
c

Watching 'Vanilla Sky' on Bravo. I haven't seen this movie since a friend's place in Montgomery back in 2001. I've been thinking a lot about those days........missing certain things, people, places, memories........ been dreaming a lot lately...........and actually remembering the dreams the following day. Just a lot on my mind and a lot of things to serve as reminders popping up here and there.

Off to bed for more dreams to take hold. Good night.

How many Surrealist painters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?.......The fish!

It was just over four years ago when I made my move to Montgomery (2001). And now just over four years later I am sitting here in "the B-ham" under much different circumstances. That first year in Montgomery was really hard for me. It was a time of loneliness and awkwardness too. So what did I do? I went out and bought a beta fish. I had decided that outside of my houseplant "Geraldine" (coffee plant who has since gone to that big "garden in the sky"), I needed more life in my little apartment. So Dekooning (the fish) became a part of my surroundings. It’s funny to see the look on people’s faces when I tell them that I’ve had Dekooning for four years. I guess most people’s beta fish don’t make it past a year or two. And to think that I almost killed him in the first few weeks of bringing him home. (Make sure you mix the correct quantity of ‘stress coat’ to water, folks.) Then a few months later (2002), Dekooning was stricken with a medium case of the ick. Which left his fins lackluster and frazzled. Then in early 2005, he suffered ‘pop-eye’. I think that was the worst of all.

I had gotten concerned over the past few weeks because I had noticed that Dekooning’s under-side had turned silver. I guess this is the version of gray hair in the fish world. Plus, Dekooning has been sleeping a lot more than usual. But luckily he’s been eating well, and still responds to my odd Cindy-tunes I sing to him during his food time. Here’s today’s tune. "Dekooning, you’re the coolest fish in the world. I don’t even know if you’re a guy or a girl. Ooooh ooohh, but you rock my world." Yeah, I know……I’m silly.

Yes, I hate to admit it. But I will be sad, maybe even devastated, when old Dekooning passes away. He’s been a good fish and a good friend. He’s been through the past four years of ups and downs without a ‘gurgle’ of complaint or ridicule. So here’s a shout out for Dekooning, the coolest fish in the world.

Etc.

Food: Roly Poly #30 Basil Cashew Chicken, yum!

Used CD Finds:
I have been really lucky with my recent used cd finds. Here's some excellant albums I fell upon at the old reliable CD Warehouse on Airport Blvd, Mobile AL during my recent vay-cay. (note to the readers: Your best cd finds will be in college towns. Cindy cd shopping rule of thumb 101: Where there lyes poor college student in dire need of funds, thou wilst find excellant traded in cds!)
+Bon Voyage, The Right Amount (2002)
+k's Choice, Cocoon Crash (1996)
+Ride, Going Blank Again (1992)
-I also snagged Johnny Cash, 16 Biggest Hits since it was $7.50 at Walmart.

Beverage:
Snagged some "Pumpkin Spice" coffee from Carpe Diem. My apartment smelled like that familiar front porch that I was sitting on a few days ago when I brewed some coffee this morning....ah.

Who was I, Who am I, and Who will I become:
A friend serenaded me my first hang out night in Mobile. She had to run karioke at a Daphne bar, so three of us plus one guy equaled Charlie's Angels and Charlie for our Halloween costumes. She had asked me earlier if I still listen to the Cranberries. I said not so much as a lot of the Cranberries albums pain my heart. So she asked if "Zombie" is painful, I said no. So in the middle of Karioke, she got the mic and said that she wanted to dedicate a song to a good friend and so on. And then the intro chords to "Zombie" came on. It was an amazing moment. Everyone was belting out the song. She was singing to me like she was trying to tell me that I would be ok. And I was singing along, pumping my fist in the air, and holding back the tears that had built up in my eyes. It's like this whole view of myself when i was in Mobile up to who I am now flashed before me. It was really an amazing acknowledgement from a good friend..............thanks.

Happy Halloween everyone!!!!! Uh, yeah...I know it's already November but I still wanted to get some Halloween pics up. My department at work (Payroll) decided to have a break from the hum-drum and have a Halloween party at work. Three of us planned games for the group to play, everyone brought tons of food (I brought spinach dip), and we sported our best witchly attitude. I won the costume contest....which I think T in the back row left side should have won. I think the only way I won is because of the way I acted. We thought that we would just stand there, but no...our judges wanted us to turn the corner and walk a runway type distance. So what did I do to overcome the awkwardness? I did this over the top Tyra Banks supermodel walk, hands on hips, a few turns, and a pose at the end with a real serious punk-model expression on my face. I even cracked myself up at how good it was. After finding out that I won they ofcourse made me do the walk again.....good times. It was a really fun time for all of us and a good stress relief from work. Here's some pics, enjoy!
.

Amy and I (left).

.

Tidbits...

Past Weekend:
Spent Saturday night at my Dad's. Nice little getaway from the mundane and unsocial life I lead, ha. Saturday Night Live was horrible so Dad went to bed early. And I flipped channels until I fell upon "House of 1,000 Corpses". I had wanted to see this since it was written and directed by Rob Zombie but just never thought to go out and rent it. It's basically a good 70's slasher/really weird film. Now I'll have to rent "The Devil's Rejects" to see the follow up from HO1C. I stayed up an extra hour just enough to make sure I wouldn't have any random nightmares. So I watched the replay of Fooley Cooley (FLCL) on Cartoon Network at 2am and then went to bed.

Candle Currently Burning:
Buttercream/Mint

Random Hobby:
I taught myself how to do the basic knitting stitch. I don't think I have the patience for any serious knitting projects but plan on making a simple scarf. You know how I love scarves....

Halloween:
Well, my Mobile friends don't sound like they are really pumped for Halloween, which is a real bummer for me........it's one of my favorite holidays of the year. So I decided to not go through the trouble to create a good costume like years past. I wanted to go as Lola (Run Lola Run) this year but I'll save that for another time. My department at work is dressing up, so I'll atleast get some minor costuming on this year. We're all dressing up as witches...........our department lead said that we should dress as witches since we're the payroll bi-----......uh, you get the idea. Our department has been insane.....so we thought dressing up as disgruntled witches would be fitting. I think I might end up looking like some 80's Gem or Rainbow bright doll, not on purpose...
Black witches hat, check.
Pixie-style wig-purple with black around the neckline, check.
Neon yellow and black striped tights, check.
Fake eyelashes, check.
Black fingernail polish, check.
The usual chunky Steve Madden black baby doll shoes or black and white converse, check.
I guess I'll wear my pleated black skirt that I wear to work and then I'll have to hunt down a black shirt.
If we take pictures I'll be sure to post one of my goofy self.

Latest Obsessions:
lavender Vanilla Fabric Softener
Joking about old times with my Mom over the phone
Thinking too hard
Coffee and Caramel-colored home decor
My Name is Earl on Tuesday Nights
Debating on if I'd be financially and emotionally ready to own a dog in the next year.
That nauseous feeling I get when I see highschool and college girls dressing for sexual attention.
Cream of wheat (flavored...I haven't tried it plain)

Alright, enough of my boring life.

Night.

I dreamnt about him last night............
During the last year of us dating, we had stayed at a friends house one night. Both girlfriends asleep on the couches the two guys sat and talked late into the night. For some reason I woke up in the middle of a serious conversation. I didn't want to disturb them talking and getting in some good guy time, so I layed there trying to go back to sleep. While doing so, I heard my boyfriend saying that he was planning to propose to me within the next year.-going on about how much he cared about me and wanted to be with me. Of course my heart swelled.....to think that someone loved me so much that they were having a heart to heart with one of their best-friends about planning to propose to me.....
Well that was the first part of my dream (which was something that really happened). Then my dream turned on me........
I was going to meet up with my boyfriend. I had been out to dinner with his sister and her boyfriend. But when we finally met up with my boyfriend, he really didn't have anything to do with me. Some new girl was hanging out with the crew. She was gorgeous and slightly edgy....aspiring to one day be a model. So my boyfriend ignored me and persued this girl the rest of the night. Eventually going off with her and some other people to hang out....I was not invited.
Now this part is not true.......but it felt like one or two episodes that happened way back when. Sometimes I felt like he thought I was the greatest girl in the world. That he loved me only and that he loved me for who I was. Then sometimes it felt like if something new came along distractions came about that I was no match for in regards to competing for his attention.........that sucked. I hope I never made him feel that way.

Saturday Morning...taping the Vintage Vault since I can't get any good radio while at work......eating pizza-pretzel combos and drinking cranberry-blueberry juice.....

I ended up sleeping on the couch last night. Not sure why. I wasn't sick or anything, which is usually the time I camp out on the couch. I made it a point to catch Larry King Live last night since Linda Hamilton, actress from the first and second Terminator movies, was going to be on. My mom had watched (because she loves Larry King) and told me to try and catch it since Linda Hamilton was going to be on discussing her life-long battle with bipolar disorder. / Someone that was very close to me was dealing with things and I told this person that I believed they (and their doctor) might be misdiagnosing bipolar disorder with ADHD. / Linda made some good comments about how people who finally do find help in taking medications stop taking their medicine repeatedly. This is because when people start to feel better (which is during the 'high'/mania of the disorder, when everything is great) people stop taking their meds becuase they think they are better. Then everything starts crashing down again. Linda said that she has accepted the fact that she will probably have to take meds the rest of her life. But she stressed the belief that meds are not the answer. You shouldn't stop there. She believes in complete wellness therapy. This being that you need to take a full approach to your mental illness (which I agree with). You need to excercise, get the right amounts of rest, eat a balanced diet, nurture yourself emotionally by hobbies-counseling-or whatever, and take medication if it is needed. Meds are not the ultimate fix.....and this is where I think that person from my past fell flat. Meds don't make things crystal clear. It's not that easy. You have to take a total approach to getting better and maintaining your mental and/or emotional health. Here's a link.
http://www.completewellnessapproach.com/index.html
And a link if you are not familiar with what bipolar disorder is:
http://www.dbsalliance.org/info/bipolar.html

It will be a year and a half this December since the break-up last June. And why do I still hurt? Watched this odd movie on the Oxygen channel this morning where the two main characters reminded me of he and I way back when. I loved so hard when I finally trusted him..........and now I just don't know if I will find anyone that I will be willing (or feel is worth) me opening my heart to again. I really loved this person while being letdown again and again. And in the time also acting a fool myself. It's funny, when you read the definition of bipolar disorder from the second link above, that is pretty much how my and this guy's relationsip was from the point I first met him on a small beach in Fairhope to the time I drove away from his parents house for the last time last June. I really loved him.......it still hurts to think about it now. Maybe I'll meet the right guy soon, so that I can leave all this hurt behind. And hopefully my ex- will remember how much faith I had in him and know that he really is a good person and deserves to respect himself and have a healthy spirit and life. You were very special to me so I hope you are getting your life together, have gotten/are getting help, and getting out there on your own and doing what makes you happy.

Got a tip on some $10.00 cardigans at the Gap outlet just outside of town. So I'll be jet-setting there today. Ah, the simple things in life. Alright, time for some "getting pretty" time and to head out..... Have a good day everyone.
c
please keep praying for me...thanks

Reconciling the Irreconcilable.

Eating the leftovers of last night's 'mushroom' pot pie I made and listening to Nine Inch Nails album The Fragile. I didn't have chicken to put in my pot pie so I sauteed mushrooms instead, which ended up as a pleasant savory substitute.

I visited some friends last weekend.... who ended up helping me reconcile my woes and broken-spirit. Oppressive spirits were brought out in the spotlight much to my over-analytical surprise. I just kept saying, "this is what I see or hear but it's probably just my mind playing tricks on me." I have always been one to feel there are 'unwanted' spirits/presences that hang out around us....waiting to slip up on us and latch on when we as humans fall into a 'let down' period. But when you are faced with possibly being a victim of the dark's undertow, you begin to laugh it off like it's all smoke and mirrors with you as the headliner.

Things that seemed to come about in order of appearance: Death, Nasty, Flesh, Greed (saw his face and his pleasure in waiting to give his name for a while), a shadow figure with no detailed appearance later claiming the name of Hold, and lastly a little girl-I described her as wearing a white dress (more specific which I don't believe I went into detail-white eye-lit dress with a yellow sash) curly blond hair-she didn't speak, just whistled some eery tune while making some sort of devious face. I still sit here thinking that somehow I was playing mind tricks on myself.....but when asked what I felt was possibly inside me gnawing away at myself and thoughts, these 'things' were my screw-tape letter line-up snickering while being booked and sent on their way- Away from me.....

Why am I telling you this? I have no absolute clue. I am quite embarrassed to divulge this information but I guess that since I used to be more open about speaking about the uncomfortable unseen when it used to arise via dreams or odd feelings in college, that I guess I am opening my old-self up to you for just a moment. I do think (when I am not in the middle of debating if God/faith is real anymore) that there are spirits there that aren't friendly. That seek to destroy if you allow them in....this is where they are actually the friendliest. They will be your best friend in order for you to believe that what you are feeling or doing is right. You might hear, "you know, it would be better if you weren't living. If God loved you why would he leave you here to suffer uncertainty of self? You wouldn't feel lonely, upset, angry, hurt if you were not here. And you wouldn't be such an emotional burden on your friends and family." Or you might hear, "You are already fat anyway. What's the worth of trying to lose weight. Just keep eating. It will be ok. Why waste your time when you'll never be able to look like a model or someone on tv anyway." Or, "Yeah, you really don't need anymore-you've reached your limit of sinful pleasures. But hey, you deserve a break. You deal with a lot of crap during the day. Just a little more pot -or- alcohol -or- pornography -or- sex -or- gambling (etc) won't hurt."

There's so much crap that is fed into us. It's much like the Matrix. Not the film as a whole but the actual Matrix within the film. That false reality that is fed into our minds. Putting us in this realm that makes things 'ok' just so we won't have to really deal with things-or deal with being unhappy with ourself. I'm not pointing any fingers.....I've been dealing with some of my own demons lately. Ones I created and ones that I believe showed up for the Depression/Oppression Fest that's been going on inside of me for the past few years.

I have felt so worthless lately. So lost and confused on why I am even alive. I guess this is where Death liked to sit and nurture my worries of existence and purpose. But I have felt so horrible. I have felt like much of my womanhood and "Cindy"-ness was stripped away over the past two years (or even longer than that). It's no fault of a particular person, just what I feel has happened due to circumstances and just life in general. I have felt less than a woman.......un-sexy....un-important....un-worth of commitments.....dead to God and the faith I used to hold so dear.....un-creative and artistic, so on and so on and so on.

I was driving home tonight after seeing a movie...window down...NIN playing.....arm out of the car window rising and falling with the wind's currents....and just realized how alone I have felt my whole life. How odd and obscure I feel that I can be. How segmented I can feel from my family. How irregular I feel to the normal female a male would want to be with. It could be that this is because of how I had to survive as an individual-emotional-being dealing with my family growing up. Not sure. I'm not trying to be self-centered by saying all this. Like I'm something special compared to others-because everyone is special. and I'm not fishing for praise and comments...because I don't want that. I guess these things are coming out because maybe other people need to know that they are not an oddball if they feel completely obscure. The way you look on the outside is no scale of how obscure you might feel inside. Whoever you are reading this; thinking that you are worthless because you feel so odd and out of the norm.....don't lose heart.

And friends don't lose heart if I haven't spoken to you in a while. I have just been so beside myself in confusion that I haven't turned on my computer in a long while. I just haven't had any words to explain how I have been feeling inside, so I haven't felt like blogging. Or like giving advice, sorry K. --Just when you needed someone to listen I was hit hard with this overlaod of emotional and spiritual numbness over the past few weeks. I apologize for that, but I'm sure you've been there and understand where I'm coming from .

To all my friends reading this: If you need me to pray for you or just need some advice (like I should be giving any, ha!), feel free to email me. If you have a lot on your mind that you need to share with someone, feel free to chat with me online if you see me on yahoo or via email. Now I'm not one who can take too much information in at one time.......I go on overload and go on the fritz......just be patient. Give me a little peice of what's going on that you need to talk out with someone, we can talk about it, and then move on to the next issue. I'm not saying I have any of the answers...but sometimes it just feels better to know that someone is listening to you.

Alright, enough jibber jabber.......off to blog reading i go.......night.
cindy

Random Happity-do-dah info to brighten this gloomy post:
Current TV Favorites:
The Family Guy
Fooley Cooley
America's Next Top Model
Anderson Cooper on CNN (HA!-he's a cutey puh-tooty as Rosie would say)
Random medical mystery documentaries on TLC and Discovery

Recent Used CD Purchases:
Nada Surf - High/Low
The Prayer Chain - Antarctica
Fine China - The Jaws of Life
Bjork - Post

Last movie scene in the theater and at home:
Two for the Money
The Nightmare Before Christmas

Latest Eats:
Mushroom Pot pie
Romaine Lettuce, almond slivers, manderin orange slices, and raspberry/poppyseed vinagrette
Chocolate and White Chocolate Chip cookies with milk

Great Expectations:
Sweaters
Fall
Watching more movies....Unleashed, Doom, Domino, Elizabethtown, Aion Flux, Narnia, Stay, Wallace and Grommit....
Pumpkin Pie

Funny. Cheer up goodies...

www.nbc.com/nbc/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno
/fruitcake_lady/

Good advice from a spicy grandma....

No fun, my babe, no fun....

So I have been ignoring my computer for about a week now. I just hit a real low place this past week that drained me emotionally and physically. So in this I have laid around or gone out to see a lot of movies (Driving in Cars with Boys, A Clockwork Orange, the rest of Buffy season 1, Constantine, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, and the Corpse Bride).

Nothing tragic or physical has happened the past week for me to get low.....it just happened. And old heart-ache and anger towards my ex really burdened my heart. I just get so upset sometimes over feeling so wasted. Like I wasted a lot of myself for nothing......and he wasted a lot of me. I am happy with myself and ok with being single right now. But I really don't think I'll be able to get over the actual heart-ache until someone comes along. Some guy that I really like and who can show me how a girl should be treated. And who also treats himself right........ I don't know if I will ever find someone like this. I cried to my mom on the phone last night about how my heart felt so lonely at the moment. I asked her stupidly, "Mom am I ugly or something?"....I just can't understand why I haven't found someone who will treat me right and why guys in my past treated me like crap a lot of times. Am I not as special as I think I am? Am I not worth it? That wrapped up in my lack of faith and not understanding why I'm even on this earth anymore (not knowing my place or purpose anymore) really had me boo-hooing over the phone. Mom talked to me and calmed me down and told me that she has those same feelings about my Dad (anger and sadness), herself (wondering if there was something wrong with her for things to go so wrong), and life (not understanding what her purpose is outside of just going to work and coming home and surviving). Luckily we ended up laughing since we started talking about and listening to clips of the fruitcake lady from Jay Leno.

Alright, time for rest. To rest the mind and heart. Sleep well everyone......let me know if you need prayer.......especially if it's some of the same things I'm dealing with. Then atleast you'll know someone who can relate is out there thinking about you.

I 'heart' Todd!

Oh my gosh! HGTV now has a show featuring the craftiness of Todd Oldham!!! He is so awesome..... He used to do bits on House of Style on MTV. The only other things I've seen him do lately is have a space in each issue of Readymade (awesome magazine) and design furniture for Lazyboy. Just got finished watching his show tonight and am already inspired to do some sort of craft....... Thank you HGTV for putting Todd on the tv!!!!

Coldplay......

Well I got up early yesterday so that I could get to work and leave at 4pm. While getting ready they came over the radio and announced the Birmingham and Tampa Coldplay shows were being cancelled. Chris Martin (lead singer) had been diagnosed with a respiratory virus. Ticketmaster and the Coldplay website have advised ticketholders to keep hold of their tickets. The Coldplay website says that they are looking at coming back through Birmingham to make up for the cancellation. I was bummed but I understand it cause of illness being involved. I'll keep you posted on if they do decide to have another concert here....

Sigur Ros has just come out with a new album titled Takk. This is an amazing band out of Iceland. Matt and I saw them years ago at the Tabernacle in Atlanta. So if you are familiar with Sigur Ros' sound (singer is known for using a language he created called Hopelandic-mix of Icelandic and vocal sounds- and for playing the guitar with a cello bow) you can imagine how amazing the concert was with the Tabernacle's acoustics. Here is a link for the first video off of the album. They always have such amazing videos... I got chill bumps at the end where the song just rocks out.
http://www.emichrysalis.co.uk/quicktime/sigur_ros/
glosoli/index.php?version=6.510&bandwidth=5600

Skipping around through various Radiohead cds tonight. To your left are a few goodies partaken of.....tried out a new Arizona green tea. Or it's new to me, I hardly stop at gas stations and go in to snag beverages. I trotted into Rite Aid after work today for some peroxide. (My peircing on the top of my left ear tried to close.........trying to doctor it at the moment, ouch! Funny, I have seven peircings...... sounds like a lot, but they're all in my ears. Although I wouldn't mind a cute tiny silver stud in my nose....but el Corporato Nationales would think it's muy mal, har har.-yes, I love to use bad Spanish.) Well, while in Rite Aid I saw some Arizona Pomegranate green tea....very tasty. I've never eaten an actual pomegranate but they've always appeared like a very honest-mysterious-passionate fruit of sorts on the inside. And I've always thought the outside of the fruit (in it's entirity) looks like the 'burning hearts' you see in hispanic religious art. Goodie el numero dos was finishing off a box of tropical dots. Yum Yum......they were still fresh and soft........

Recycling: I finally went downtown to the recycling center. It felt awesome to see other people out there sorting out their recycling into the designated bins. Felt like we were trying to help out somehow with the state of things. I hadn't been there before so the man in charge for the day helped me with my bags of stuff. He said he'd sort it for me and showed me the different bins for the next time I come down. He was this tall large guy in overalls, trucker hat, long scraggly hair and beard. The kind of guy most people would be scared of. But I was comforted as I usually am around this type of person. I guess that's the Texan coming out in me. But yes, I was so excited to recycle!!!!!! Woo-hoo.........and stuff.

Guys: So this guy working at World Market said I looked familiar. He thought my name might be Rachel but when I told him I had only been here for 3 months and my name was Cindy, he realized the mistaken identity. Was it a line to reel me in? Nah. Don't think so....but we did exchange our college degrees (his was music) and debates on what to do and grad school. He was pretty nice.........if he was hitting on me I doubted it (especially with my warped thinking due to a migraine I had been carrying around for the past two hours.) Gosh, girls and guys are so weird. And I totally hate the dating scene. That whole picking up people totally weirds me out. It's fine to chit-chat-get to know each other-even throw in a little coyness in there ever-so-often.....but to go out on a date immediately is odd to me. I guess (as I always have) I feel like this totally odd girl compared with others. And that in order for me to date it has to be that destined/attracted/meant to be/who God has for me thing. This explains why I don't date and have only dated two people my whole life. But yeah, boys are weird, girls are weird, dating is weird, meeting people to potentialy date is weird, etc. And sigh, my step-family I believe is starting their mission to find me a good man.........sorry to say that the type of men they are looking for are most likely not my type. So I just smile and say thanks but I can handle it on my own.

Work: I broke down on Monday and voiced my dislike of my manager's lack of managerial skills to a friend at work. I'm tired of this merger and how everything is one-sided. Sad to say that the one-side the company is moving towards is horribly unorganized. But they demand that it must be done that way because it worked in their old company........well, if that's the case....we're doomed.

Coldplay is Friday. Hooray!

Playing Dress Up

Well, Halloween is approaching and it's time for me to start thinking about a costume.....ha. Ok, so I went as Bjork in 2002, LeeLoo in 2003, and Alice Resident Evil/Apocalype in 2004.....so what's next? Post your suggestions. Aeon Flux is out since the movie has been pushed back to December. Here's a few I have running in my head, but i would love more options.
Run Lola Run
Darcy from Smashing Pumpkins
Kill Bill-Yellow Jumpsuit (I fear this costume is probably tired now.)

You Win some, You Lose some...

Well, no plants........... I got home and tried out a recipe for Chicken and Sweet Potato frittata (kind of like a quiche with chicken, grated sweet potato, and swiss cheese). Eh, not that great..... It ended up tasting really sweet with the sweet potato and swiss cheese combination. So I can mark that one off in my cookbook.

But it is still a good night---because it's Reno 911 marathon night! If you're not familiar with the show, it's like a Cops show following a sheriff's department in Reno, Nevada. A few of the people on the show are from the comedy sketch show The State. The State used to be on MTV back in the early 90's. Reno's great...... My brother got me into it. I always forget when it's on so I am glad that I was able to catch the marathon.

Swept and mopped the kitchen and bathroom. Ate a salad (lettuce, radishes, carrots) w/ real bacon bits, croutons, and buttermilk ranch dressing....plus some hummus and flat bread...yum. Then had a few chocolate & white chip cookies with milk....double yum. Now for a shower and a trip to Walmart for some plants...hoorah!

Trying to Make the Hum-drum a Home...

Well, I got a good bit done today.....I guess. The fact that my apartment is still not together is a bother, but all in due time. I finally tossed a plant that just wasn't going to make it by my chartreuse (not exactly green) thumb......I'm not the best with gardening so if it's not a hearty plant, it may soon join the others in plant heaven. Ha! I still have three so I'm doing pretty good. I vacuumed the living room, moved my chair and couch (yes, I moved a couch all by myself-'cindy flexs girl muscles'), and laid out a seafoam colored rug. Now to dismantle the ole entertainment center so that I can get it to Goodwill along with a few other things. I finally found a wreath hook for my door. So I spray-painted it black and now my glorious "made by Cindy" wreath adorns my front door, woo-hoo!

I'm slowly trying to make this space a home eventhough no place has felt like home in a long while.

Caught some hip-Christian talk/Conan O'Brien esque show on one of the Christian channels tonight. Really weird. I just haven't related with the Christian sect in a while. If any of my old friends are reading this, are you suffering this syndrome also? Is this what is making (and has made me for the past few years) feel lost and/or separated from the church/Christ? Is it because I just don't relate? I think the pop-culture of Christianity started losing me around the time of all the big worship rallies/festivals and the twenty-million contemporary praise and worship albums that came out towards the end of my college career. It's like every church service is like one big praise and worship rally. Don't get me wrong, praise and worship is important....but I've got to where i'd just rather sit in someone's living room, chilling out, and having an actual bible study. Where you actually study the bible........not some self-help quote or story to help you understand what the bible and/or Christ is trying to tell you. It seems like the church has been so focused on happity-doo-dah let's sing contemporary praise and worship songs for an hour that I don't get a chance to learn about God. I guess it felt like I was just at church to hear how beautiful my voice was or how well my and my pew neighbor can harmonize or outsing each other. So I just quit looking for a church.

Alright time for a little tv and then off to sleep. Keep your thoughts and prayers on those still waiting for help in LA, MS, and AL. I love all of you guys. Thank you for looking out for me Christ....I know you are still keeping an eye on me-even when I feel cut-off from those feelings I used to have.
c

Hurricane Katrina

The recent disaster has really left me at a loss for words. If I haven't spoken with or text messaged you, yes I am fine. I was really surprised at how rough it was here in Birmingham AL Monday night. I think everyone (AL, MS, and LA) really did not expect what Hurricane Katrina was about to bring. With the bands that we received here in Birmingham, I can't imagine what the residents on the coast were experiencing.

I think this is also personally devastating because these areas (Mobile, bay area) have really felt like my true home. It really puts things in perspective when you see the Mobile bayfront park you used to hang out at late at night under water, the bridge you used to drive over-windows down-music blaring-damaged, or the street you and friends strolled through in New Orleans destroyed.

So if I can't go down to help what can I do? Give. If you haven't already, donate donate donate. It doesn't matter how small or how large just give from your heart. www.redcross.org Here's a few things to think about.
-I've decided a total amount I would like to contribute. So over the next four paychecks I am going to donate a fourth.
-Skip going out to lunch for a week. Instead drop the money in a jar, deposit the money to your account at the end of the week, and donate the total.
-Instead of going out this week to a movie, restaurant, or pub put that money towards a donation.
It doesn't matter how much you donate, every bit counts to giving someone a place to sleep, a meal to eat, and medical care. Be a shepherd over those that are in need.

Other things to think about:
I've been meaning to post some things lately but just have never gotten around to it. I'm not an all-natural hippy type, but I really feel like we abuse the earth. The more I've looked around over the past two years I see so much waste, over indulgence, etc. One thing that has really been on my mind is recycling. Unfortunately, my complex doesn't offer recycling but I have decided to do it anyway. Think about all the things we simply toss that could be recycled: coke cans, newspapers, cardboard paper towel and toilet paper rolls, cereal boxes, plastic milk and soda bottles, etc. Why not run those things by your local recycling center on your way to the store or on your next visit to Starbucks? Also, why do we waste so much gas. Sure, you've got to get to work or run to the store or even an afternoon drive. But sometimes I feel like we make things more difficult than they should be. If you see an extremely long line at the drive-thru, why not just park and walk inside? That would save a little bit of gas and cut down on air pollution. Why cruise the Walmart parking lot over and over trying to get that perfect parking spot? Even if the spot is a little bit farther away it gives you a great opportunity to get a little exercise. Especially since so much of America is overweight and/or unhealthy. Instead of everyone driving in their own car to all go to the same place, maybe because you just like being in charge in your own vehicle, why not all ride together? Just have patience and respect for whoever is driving. Why do restaurants give you way too much food? Just things to think about.

People need to just love and respect each other.......and respect the planet we live on. I love all of you guys and am so glad those of you down in Mobile are ok. Everyone be sure to take care of each other, pray tonight for the victims of the hurricane and those that are still stranded tonight, and give any help you can by donating to the Red Cross.

Love you guys,
cindy

Sitting here listening to Viva Voce live on KEXP Seattle from 9/2004. Sipping on some Mint/Spearmint tea, washing clothes, burning a Bombay spice candle from Old Time Pottery, and posting here for you.

Running: Alas, I think I'm going to take my running to the streets solo. I would love to go with the group runs on Mondays and Thursdays but I am having a hard time making the distances that are elected for each week. ....too advanced for me. So for my own little schedule I am doing the following this week and next week...
Walk 1/2 mile
Jog 1/4 mile
Walk 1/4 mile
Jog 1/4 mile
Walk 1/4 mile
Jog 1/4 mile
Walk 1/4 mile
This means 2 miles will be covered total.

Food:
I made home-made dinner rolls for the first time a few weeks ago. I can't remember if I ever posted this. It was pretty fun and a very meditative thing to do on a Saturday afternoon. I'll probably try another bread-related recipe in the next few weeks....so I'll keep you posted on how that goes.
While on the phone with my Mom last night I got an asparagus casserole together, but was crushed to discover that the ritz crackers I thought I had were in fact wheat ritz. (FYI: do not use Wheat ritz for this recipe. Toasted wheat ritz end up being very dry.) So I wrapped up the casserole and stuck it in the fridge and will snag some ritz at the store today.
Here's the old Sullivan family favorite:
Asparagus Casserole
(I don't have measurements. But to give you an idea.....when I make it for myself I use a glass meatloaf sized baking dish, 4 hard-boiled eggs, 1 can of soup, 1 can of asparagus....)
Canned asparagus spears (drained)
Canned cream of mushroom soup (straight from the can, no mixing with H20/milk)
Hard-boiled eggs (deshelled and sliced by an egg slicer)
Plain ritz crackers
Butter
Salt and Pepper
Lightly butter the baking dish. Start with a thin layer of soup on the bottom. Then you will start layering. You can do two or three layers. I usually just do two since I'm just cooking for myself. Here we go...
Layer of asparagus
Few small dabs of butter
Layer of egg slices
Salt and Pepper
Layer of soup
(repeat for how ever many layers you want)
On top of the very last layer of soup you will crumble ritz to cover the top. Then drizzle melted butter over the crackers.
Bake uncovered on 350 for about 30-45 minutes (until the casserole is bubbling and the ritz have toasted).

Heart Issues: So why am I still hurt and broken hearted? It's now been 1 year and 2 months. Oh well, I will persevere. I guess one big thing is that feeling that I have lost a lot of who I am. Is it gone or will it not come out of me again until I meet the right guy? I think that people should be their own person and personality but I also think that others should bring out the positive of who you are even more. Ofcourse I don't go out or am in the position to meet new people, but so far I don't think I've met my match. I haven't gotten that feeling that someone is bringing out the best in me and visa versa. It's not something that can be forced, it has to be a natural spiritual thing. I hate to feel like I'm being forced into anything...even when someone is trying to force the best out of me. It's unnatural............I'm hoping for a natural click to happen. But first I need to get back to loving who I am first and getting the confidence in myself back that I lost over the past 5-6 years. I think I'm still that girl from years ago........the girl who loves rock shows, movies, coffee, being silly, spiritual (although I'm struggling), loves people, etc. but it's just hard when you don't have people that share those likes. It's kind of like you start forgetting who you are or something when you don't have comrads of the creative type. This is in no way saying I don't love my friends...they are the best....but I do miss doing things I like to do "with people" as opposed to alone. But ofcourse that has to be natural too....I'm not going to force people into liking things I like. Ok, rambling.......

Alright, I need to go scout out some groceries.

Running.

I finally got back on the horse and went to do my mile of 1/8's today. (walk, run, walk, run......) I didn't make it to the new runner's group run on Thursday since I had to work late. Plus, my left knee was giving me problems. So that means I did my 1/8's on Monday with the group, Wednesday with my step-sister, and then took it easy for the rest of the week. I got out and bought some running shoes on Saturday..... I totally know nothing of running shoes so I hope the guy at the running shop made a good choice. I got a pair of Brooks Adrenaline GTS. Gosh, running shoes are expensive!!!! Owell, it's been 5 years since I've purchased tennis shoes so I just bit the bullet and went for it. A friend went with me today to do the 1/8's. I had some pain in my knee while doing the 1/8's of running but luckily I'm not experiencing any tightness or swelling to the left knee like I did earlier this week.

Here's my schedule for this week. We'll see how the knee holds up. I'm not going to push myself too hard because I don't want to over do it..... They say to go 4-6 times a week but I'm going to shoot for 4.
Week 2:(4 to 6 days per week)
Start with a 5 minute warm up walk, then alternate walking & jogging and walk only half the distance of each jog, as follows:
Jog 1/4 mile (one lap) then
Walk 1/8 mile (1/2 half lap)
Jog 1/2 mile (2 laps)
Walk 1/4 mile (1 lap)
Jog 1/4 mile (1 lap)
Walk 1/8 mile (half-lap)
Jog 1/2 mile...go home

..
Why am I still up at 1:30am? Owell. I have updated my blog profile. I also have set up yahoo messenger. So if you use yahoo messenger feel free to say hey. You will find my id name on my profile page.

Here's those two poems I mentioned earlier... It's pretty wild to think this was almost 6 years ago. Maybe it will all make sense one day.
Death upon a serpant's tongue can fold
the manner away.
To embrace the things that kill your soul
-and files the presence of one's
own being under the crooked box.

"Which way is the undertoe?," screaming
little 'i' to the siren of 'me'.
Right around the corner, up there on the
bookcase...
and the pages of my flesh are torn
from the seams--
and the verbial binding of my unproven vows
of sincerity. collapse in one moment
and just to say that I have loved.
-OCT 12, 1999 B&N
c. sullivan

Terrible change of "whether"
-in all the meaning
of trying to map out inconsistency.
dwell into a seizure, in the shape
formed by two
the calling doesn't stop,
when you trying to choke your soul.
it's difficult to stop all the bleeding
for the sores in your head.
and some change of a man==
blind to unblind... for the boy.
maybe for me--
might mend all of the sores.
-OCT 12, 1999 B&N
c. sullivan

Hooray Hooray it's Sofa Day!

Well, I'm sitting here finishing off some scrambled eggs w/ cheese, cinammon toast, and a Barq's rootbeer. Listening to the Vintage Vault, emailing song requests...........For Squirrels: Anything off of the album Example, Anything by Ride, My Bloody Valentine: Sometimes, or Hole: Miss World. Let's hope one slides in to the mix. I still have a hard time listening to these two hours of music from my teen and college years. And still get that sick feeling in my stomach when I'm reminded of my old heart-ache. Got an email recently of two poems I wrote back in '99. I was pretty taken aback by how I used to write......I'll post them a little bit later today. Only thing is I don't know someone's intentions by emailing me without ever saying anything about theirself. I feel like I just get cryptic messages that I don't feel I should respond to........ hmmmmmm.

Well, as I stated in my title it's SOFA DAY! The delivery guys will be bringing my sofa, chair, and ottoman today! I'm so excited......not only because I'll have some new furniture but because it's amazing that I can even buy furniture. Pretty much since I left for college up to now I have had Goodwill furniture or hand-me-downs from friends and family. So this marks a major milestone in my life.........I do feel blessed to be able to afford something this big. I think it says a lot when a girl can work and support herself and get to a point where she doesn't need help. I guess that's why I get irritated with people that have a free-ride from family and don't go get a job. Who cares if it's working in a gas station to being a corporate ceo as long as it makes you happy, just get one! Feel good about yourself because you are making something of yourself and creating a life for yourself. Girls, you need to learn to support yourself because you never know what may happen........ And boys, how will you ever be able to support a relationship or have children if you can't get it together and just go get a job. I also get ticked off with people that steal. Hey, I probably don't know their situation.....so I can't totally speak.....but come on, if I can get out there and take care of myself then anybody can. Quit taking things from people who bust their butts trying to make a life for themself.

Ok, that's it for now. Gottah vacuum. Will post a little bit more later on today.

das Alphabet part 2

Q koo
R err
S ess
T tay
U oo
V fow
W vay
X iks
Y ipsilon
Z tsett

For audio pronunciation go here, http://german.about.com/library/anfang/blanfang_abc.htm

Run Lola Run

Well, my step-sister has talked me into going to a running class. The New Runners Society of Birmingham puts on two classes, 101 and 102, for new runners. Ofcourse, I am 101 (she is 102 but came with me on Monday to kind of get me started, then I'll have to go on my own, yikes. You know how I am around large groups of people I don't know. Hola, shyness!). They started 2 weeks ago but I was told last night that if it was your first night that really we would be starting with the first regular class. So although everyone else was jogging really well (going past me as well) I had to remind myself that last night would have really been the start of it all. We are working on 1 mile right now where we are walking 1/8, running 1/8, walking 1/8, running 1/8.....you get the idea.....until you finish the 1 full mile. And yes, I am paying the price today. My legs are screaming, "Cindy! Have you lost your mind?! What are you trying to do to us?!" Tuesday and Wednesday I am supposed to do my walk-run routine on my own and then we meet again on Thursday. Well, my step-sister and I were going to meet up tonight but luckily it rained (hoowah-ha-ha....sinister Cindy laughing). So I am just going to stretch and do crunches tonight to try and work out the pain. Then tomorrow I'll meet up with her to do my mile of 1/8's. I hope that I can overcome my shyness and being intimidated to keep going to the group runs. I just hate being thrown in the middle of a large group of new faces. It's like being a teenager all over again.

Well, my first real furniture purchase arrives this weekend. I've never owned a couch and chair of my own outside of the ole goodwill and hand me downs. Hooray! A friend at work loaned me the 1st season of Buffy, so I might have to welcome the couch into my home by some vegging in front of the tv.

I watched Swingers a few days ago. I haven't watched this movie in years....... Man it's so awesome, funny, endearing, hip, etc. And yes girls, Mr. Vince Vaughn is in it.........rerrrrrrrr (some form of cat prowl meow sound). Also, I knew that Jon Favreau (co-star opposite Vince) wrote the screenplay but did not realize that it was based on an actual break-up he had. Plus, a lot of the main dialog was actual conversations he had with Vince and some of the other guys in the film when they were all just making it in LA. John said he was told to write what you know if you don't know what else to write. Well, it worked in this case. Great movie. Plus, it's all around that whole Swing culture. Ah, I miss those days. I always wanted to be able to swing with a partner but guys look at my height and say, "Nuh-uh, I'm not swinging that tall chick in the air." I can't say that I blame them, ha.

das Alphabet

A-P
A ah
B bay
C tsay
D day
E ay
F eff
G gay
H haa
I ee
J yot
K kaa
L ell
M emm
N enn
O oh
P pay

Orgy-Porgy and all that jazz...

(Currently listening to Catherine Wheel-Chrome and letting my hot lemon tea cool.)

Well I finally finished reading Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. I felt like I was reading the equivalent of a TNT mini-series because there was so much going on. I believe Brave New World was stranger than reading George Orwell's 1984. All in all, it was good... / I picked up a cheap copy of George Orwell's Animal Farm at the Book Nook on a 36 hour trip down to Montgomery. Honestly, I have never read Animal Farm. As most of you know, I was not known for reading while growing up. In terms of Animal Farm......I've watched the animated film (which was trippy at the time) but never read the book.

I finally got around to using a Best Buy card some friends gave me as an apartment-warming gift. One thing I took from Matt is a love for films........ so I racked up on a few from my "must have movie/dvd" wishlist.
Resident Evil, Resident Evil/Apocalypse, Swingers, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, A Clockwork Orange, and the first season the The Adventures of Pete & Pete.....

While at the Book Nook over the weekend I also found a book, German for Beginners, c. 1960. Tonight I memorized alphabet pronunciation for A-G. Yeah, that's not much for one night...but I gottah take it slow on the ole brain. Go here if you would like to hear the entire German alphabet: http://german.about.com/library/anfang/blanfang_abc.htm. There was a copy of Animal Farm in German but I decided to wait on that. Hey, maybe after learning some German I can watch Run Lola Run and The Princess and the Warrior without subtitles, ha! As I learn some things I will be sure to post them here for your learning pleasure.

Phantom Menace: Well my trip to Montgomery was a pining adventure. I think on my next trip down I'm going to keep myself busy. There's a lot of things I'd like to do while visiting.....eat lunch and read at my old spot downtown-I'm sure Hank misses me, go to the art museum, go see a film at the Capri, eat at lek's or El Rey's, play frisbee at a park, so on and so on. I think cabin fever takes hold of me when I go for a visit and creates too much space for me to meditate on old feelings. Matt has really been on my mind lately......I think really what's been on my mind is this part of myself that I feel is there-when it really is not. You might have heard of amputees suffering from phantom limbs or phantom pains. Basically, it's when someone has had a limb amputated but still feel like that part of their body (that is no longer there) is still moving....they can feel their fingers curl, or feel the table underneath their arm...and in reality there is no body part there. There's also cases of pain. An amputee may feel intense pain in their leg, when in reality their leg has been amputated and what they are feeling is the pain they had before the limb was removed. It's really spooky....but it's what hit me when I thought about myself. Sometimes it feels as if Matt and I are really not apart----Sometimes it feels as if I feel pain for something that has been gone for a year now-And the worst of all is that I really feel like a part of me died (or was emotionally amputated) when I broke up with him. That Cindy that was there before is gone..........I feel dead a lot of times- -like somehow Matt still holds a part of my heart and being...... Is this becuase a part of me is really dead now? Or could it be because I devoted my heart and dreams for the future with him-and now all plans for the future are empty loop-holes? Sure, this would be the perfect time for me to take back my life and have no strings attached....but how can you take on that venture when you feel like your "being" is gone..... What's scary is that I'll be 29 in December and I feel like I am quickly running out of my youth. That youth I should be taking grasp of and having adventures with-but what adventure can you have when you don't know what's inside of yourself and what your hopes and dreams are now without that person you loved in your life? / I wish that I had people to hang out with that were into the things I am into. Sometimes I feel like I relate to guys more than girls just in terms of film and music.......but I also need those girlfriends to goof off with, have deep conversations with, and feel at home around. My issue as of late is that I worry about spending too much time with guys alone. I have never really had this issue before...... I don't believe I do anything to lead anyone on or give any signals out......but I'm not going to leave this open to possibly make friendships awkward. Because I feel like a lot of that has been happening over the past few years. -which makes me feel like a jerk with a capital J. / I'm sure things will work out for me one day. It's just hard to see that now........ so for now you'll just have to hear me complain and whine about how awful things are....hengh hengh.

Alright, enough of my rambling.
GUTE NACHT, MEIN FREUND! (Good night, my friend!)

The Cure, A Scanner, and Rouged Lips.....

(Currently listening to The Cure, Staring At The Sea-The Singles)
The first video (and song) I ever witnessed of The Cure was "Let's Go To Bed" back in the mid 80's. Every time I hear that song I think back to me bopping around on the carpet in front of the tv. I must have been 6 or 7 because the song came out on a 1982/1983 album. Ah, my life growing up on MTV videos and all the music my oldest brother would bring back from college.

Below:
I think The Kiss turned out well......I found some butterflies from one of my magazines that made a nice frame of sorts.... I messed with some makeup to make my lips have more of a pout. It looks like a porcelain doll's mouth up there instead of mine.

Kiss

Personals, Dating, and Single-dom oh my!

So a lot of people are seeking people via the web now a days. Yeah, sure......my friends and I would occasionally post a profile back in the college days just to see who would reply or to find an internet pen pal. But now-a-days people are seeking that special someone at the ease of a few key strokes. I have a few girl-friends that have put up personal ads online and along with your toothpaste and orange juice commercials you get a dose of dating service commercials with "this will be! an everlasting love.." playing in the background. At the age I'm at (28 to be exact) it's very hard to meet people. You don't have college to give you daily opportunities to catch someone's eye across campus or late night excursions to a dock to talk in the moonlight and toy with the idea of becoming more than friends. Now, a lot of people go to church not to seek God but to look for a life partner..........but hey, atleast it's putting people in the house of God, I guess......... And if you're not into the "meat market" scene at your local bar & grill, well you're pretty much out of luck. When you start to feel lonely you hope that for some reason fate will occur and you'll meet your destined partner on a quick trip for milk at the grocery store or while pumping gas on your way home from work. And it's hard to look cute while filling the ole gas tank or picking out the half gallon of milk with the latest expiration date, ha. So why does it seem that so many people are single now-a-days? Why are people waiting so much later to get married and have children? But like I can talk.........I always said as a child that I would get married at 28..........well, I have 5 months to go before I have a birthday..........(looks at bare wedding finger and sighs).............. I remember that a guy I dated back in college said he was going to have me married before 28......ah, we were so silly then weren't we.....good times.

It has blown my mind recently on falling upon an ad by this old friend. I just think, "why in the world does he have to post an online ad?! He's this amazing guy (or I remember him as this), good looking, has a lot going for him, etc. He should have girls going bananas over him. (ok, gwen stefani rings in my head). I try not to be self-righteous but I think the same things of myself. I'm this amazing girl (or I remember me as this, ha), good looking (well I think so except on off days), has a lot going for her (I think?). So why am I not married? Why am I not having a good time with my husband, exploring different cities, eating pizza and watching movies, and calling each other retarded pet names that crack us up? Why am I not with someone and bargaining that our first girl's name be Evangeline (ha)? Why am I not with someone who will hold my hand as we pray over our dinner? Why why why?! I want the golden goose now, daddy!!!! (ha, the Veruca Salt in me jumps out)

Well, number one: I was in a very serious relationship for a long time. It has taken me a long time to get over it..........and now I'm just learning to be by myself and be ok with that.

number two: I guess I'm picky. I've never been a dater for the sake of dating. I don't really feel like getting someone's hopes up if I'm not seriously interested in them.....and I don't want someone to do that to me. I have to really get to know someone before I even know if there is some spark......and there's only been two sparks that hit me, which I dated both of them. Except for that old highschool crush I had.....sparks were there but alas......

number three: Deep down I feel that if it's meant to be then it's meant to be. I really feel like there is someone meant for me.....but it's just not time right now. Maybe I'm some romantic spiritual person-but I feel that God is really giving me time to work out all of my heart-ache and is allowing time for that guy that will one day be in my life to grow so that he can be the type of guy I need. I pray this is true..........

So just as a goofy thing to do, I will post my own little personal ad. God? Make sure you read this, take notes, and keep an eye out, HA! I'm silly.........well for fun, here we go.

Gender: Woman seeking Man
Marital Status: Single, never married (although it felt like I was)
Body Type: Slender, I think
Height: 5' 11"
Eyes: Brown
Hair: Auburn
Ethnicity: Caucasian
Sense of humor: Friendly, Clever/Quick witted, Goofy
Social Setting: Shy at first, Better in small groups
TV Watching: Channel Hopper, Movies, Documentaries, Dramas
Smoking: Doesn't smoke
Drinking: Drinks socially (I would say 2-3 times a year....what a party girl, ha!)
Have kids: no
Wants kids: yes
Education: College Grad
Employment Status: Full-time
Religion: Christianity
Political Views: Conservative
Astrology: Sagittarius
Interests: Art, Dining, Movies, Listening to music, reading, gaming, television

About my match:
Age: 27-31
Marital Status: Single
Body Type: Average, Fit
Height: 5' 8" - 6' 1"
Eyes: Any
Hair: Any
Ethnicity: not sure ? matters on who someone is as a person i guess
Sense of Humor: Any, but I am turned off by sarcastic humor.
Social Setting: Any, but not into someone who always has to be the center of attention in a conversation.
TV Watching: Any, but not in to guys who watch sports 24/7,
Smoking: Doesn't smoke
Drinking: Socially, just a few times a year.
Living Situation: Alone
Have kids: No
Want kids: yes
Education: Some college, College Grad, Post grad
Employment Status: Um, well employed would be nice...
Occupation: Any
Income: Any
Religion: Christianity
Attend Service: Any
Political Views: conservative to middle of the road
Astrology: any
Languages: English would be nice...
Interests: Someone who likes a little of everything, movies, music, being creative (it could be film, writing, music, art), sports are ok but I'm more of the soccer and baseball type of gal-I can't sit through a football game unless I have access to a blanket and pillow near by-ha, reading, dining, family, spirituality, social service,.....

In my own words: I'll save this for another time..... It's late and I have a busy day ahead of me at work tomorrow. Time for rest. Sleep well everyone....night, c

"The nude that broke my heart"

.

So I first heard of Catherine Wheel back in highschool. Much to my mother's disapproval I would stay up late every Sunday night to catch every beautiful moment of what was good tv, MTV's 120 Minutes. Some band named Catherine Wheel had just released a new album that year (1993) by the title "Chrome". MTV was playing the video for the third track "Crank" and for some reason I knew it was going to be good. So, as I did with other major video watching milestones (such as video's for "Prison Sex"-Tool, "Heart Shaped Box"-Nirvana, "Tomorrow"-Morrissey, Helmet) I didn't breath until the video was over. It was that amazing to me. From the first 20-30 seconds of pinging melodic and raw guitar I knew that there was something deeper about this band. And then Rob Dickinson's voice peeks through the guitar to dive into a sweet innocent loathful verse.....sigh. I read in some guy's album review where he said that Rob's voice sounded like he had just smoked ten cigarettes made of honey.....I think he got that one right. Weeks later 120 minutes started playing track 8 "the Nude". What an amazingly beautiful song. Everytime I hear it, I go back to a day when I had my first real-passionate kiss....the one's you daydream about....... It's one of those songs that makes me just want to be beside someone, napping on linen sheets, windows open, fan turning, and the smell of mint and the person I love enveloping us. Yeah, I'm a sap...... It wasn't until a few years ago that I starting seeking out Catherine Wheel again-and finally starting buying the music I remembered back in highschool. I think it was all life's timing because I don't think I would've gotten the lyrics as I do now.....after living, sinning, seeking, feeling....... I really relate to the album now....in this "limbo" of sorts....feeling 'less than' less than perfect.....dealing with the sinful self and the clear-eyed innocent girl in me trying to battle it out.........

I will definitely say that this album is in my top ten favorites. I love every song on the album but the ones that get me are "Crank", "Pain", "The Nude", "Ursa Major Space Station", and "Fripp".
some verses:
Love my superstitious games
Running circles round my brain when I'm left
smiling

I love to steal this living steam
My head in someone's dream
I'm tired of sleeping

Call me crank, my idea
Crank, so super
Crank, my conscience clear
-"Crank"

You're making me doubt myself
This feeling I know so well
Feeling of naked lust
This feeling I love so much

Far deep, phantom seeking oh you are
The nude that broke my heart, the nude that broke my heart
Phantom breathing oh you are
The nude that broke my heart The nude that broke my heart
Upon the wall, the life is drawn
love is lost, the truth will fall
The sinking ship, the sinking soul
The final fear The picture on the wall
-"The Nude"

I'd follow you through time
'Til it's not worth living
And if somewhere there's a sign
That I just don't know Then I just won't show you

Let's take a rocket ship to Mars
And anchor off the satellite for lonely hearts
Such a special place In outer space...
-"Ursa Major Space Station"

On the sheets and pillow case
In my bed for heaven's sake
The devil's dancing until late in my head there
But I could sleep with you there I could sleep with you there
Always Always
-"Fripp"

Brand and Aid me... (top half)

Here is a 8 1/2 x 11 sketch I worked on at the e. blvd. Starbucks during the week before I moved from Montgomery. I've divided it into the top and bottom half because it will not scan in its entirety.

Brand and Aid me... (bottom half)

bottom half

Freaky....

Ok, so in my post below I quoted some Rage Against the Machine beside the show I've been watching intently, Into the West. I said, "it's comin back around again, this is for the people of the sun!".

So here's when I have one of those, "Is that God trying to signal to me?" type moments. Either that or my Cherokee ancestors are just saying hello........ because even though it was past 12pm the jockey that runs The Vintage Vault decided to take one more caller's request. And "what was that request?" you might ask, People of the Sun by Rage Against the Machine.

Freaky!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another day, another 'drama'......

Good morning kiddies........... This is probably the first Saturday I haven't slept past 10 am. I've just been in such a slump since moving and starting a new job. It's usually a slow and solemn wave that flows over me for weeks when I go through some life changing event. And when you don't have "girl hang-time" because your friends live out of town, you don't really have anyway of getting your mind off of things. There's nothing like some retail therapy with a funny girl-friend.

I will say though, that I have had a great morning so far........I think mostly do to waking up in time to listen to 100.5's Vintage Vault from start to finish (10am - 12pm). I've heard The Cult, The Pixies, The Smashing Pumpkins covering a Depeche Mode song, Prodigy, The Black Crowes, Better Than Ezra, Cornershop, The Toadies, The Rentals, Weezer, Garbage, The Ramones............ And with the silly little girliness that is still inside of me, when I hear some guy call in and request something really cool over the radio I think, "Where can I find a guy like that?" Yeah, I'm a dork. I'm in love with music and get excited when I meet people who like the music like I've been hearing this morning.

My only fall back when listening to the Vintage Vault is that a lot of the music I'm hearing is eternally wrapped around a love from years past or who I was back then. Gosh, I remember that sometimes I would look at one of my best friends from Mobile and think, "Why is it that she still talks about this ex years after they were together?".....it wasn't until just in the past year she got over him. She didn't realize this until they crossed paths, he confessed his undying love for her, and she had the epiphany that after years of him still being in her heart and mind that she was finally over him. So I wonder if one day I'll finally be able to watch a movie or listen to music and not think of "him". I guess it's hard when that someone was your first for a lot of things. Just like my friend from Mobile, these guys were our first loves, first serious relationship, and first in general. Alas, another day...another drama.

There's a large Goodwill down the street from my workplace. So I think I'm going to drop off some things I need to get rid of and maybe do a little Goodwill shopping. Should be a good time...... Then either tonight or tomorrow I'm going to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory! Alright, time for some "getting perty" time and then I'm out for a day on the town............out. (The Lemonheads and Coldplay turn out for the last ten minutes of the vault)

Recent shows:
Into the West on TNT ("it's comin' back around again, this is for the people of the sun!")
Dog the Bounty Hunter
Most Haunted on the Travel Channel

movies:
Singles
War of the Worlds

Recent Purchases:
Coke with Lime
Ben and Jerry's Oatmeal Cookie Icecream
The Body Shop, Invent Your Scent Eau De Tiolette blendables gift pack
Aqua jute rug from Target
cd, The Catherine Wheel-Chrome (from Backtrax in Montgomery....support this local shop if you live in the Gump)
Coldplay tickets (hey it's the nose bleed section, but you only live once......I'm so excited!!!)

Workplace, Smirkplace....

So I am having a really hard time at work. I worry that my inner attitude of irritation is starting to come out so that others can see, which I don't want to happen. I don't really know who I can trust at work even when one of my co-workers is spilling their views of people in the workplace. One of my main issues is with my supervisor. Don't get me wrong she is very knowledgeable and gets things done......but I think she is one of the most confusing and inconsistent people I know. At first I thought that I just didn't understand her "language". That maybe I just wasn't getting what she was saying and that it was my issue not hers............. but deep down I don't think that's the case. In regards to procedures, she will say one thing and then the next day she will give you a totally different answer. A lot of the judgment calls she makes on things are very haphazard and without thinking how her decisions will pan out. So she'll make a decision one day, then have to change it a few hours later, then change it back, and then the next day we'll have to redo everything we did before because she finds out that the choice she made is not thought out in terms of how it will affect other departments or employees.

I really got fed up today. She came by my desk since I am one of only two people who have access to our old company's payroll system. She had an email (and received a phone call earlier in the day) from a manager about an incentive pay someone received back in 2004. So she specifically asked me, "Can you look to see which check this incentive pay posted on last year since you have access to the old system? Here is the person's id number, the amount of the incentive, and it should have posted around september or october." That's all she said. She did not explain to me why I needed to find this check. She just asked me to find it. So I think, "Oh, this will be easy! I just need to find the check it posted on, print it out, and give it to her." So when I walk into her office smiling as I show her the check the money posted on she starts discussing tax repayments, so on and so on. So she goes on and on talking and asking what I calculated this person's repayment amount as and I had to stop her. I said, "oh wait a minute. Maybe I misunderstood, I apologize. I thought you asked me to just find the check in which the incentive posted (which is what she asked me to do). I did not realize that you wanted me to calculate the repayment based on how much he paid in tax and how much he has already paid back." (I was ticked. This is what she always does. She asks you to do something specific then later she acts like she asked you something different.) I had no idea what she was talking about as usual. So I decided to just wait until one of the payroll reps came back from lunch to help me (this payroll rep being the other person with access to this system). I told her what happened and she helped me and personally gave it to our supervisor. The girl that helped me (she is basically next in rank to the supervisor) has talked with me twice about how she disagrees with a lot of what our supervisor says. She thinks that a lot of her decisions are not very legal and/or consistent with policies.

It just stinks when you feel like you can't trust anything your supervisor tells you to do. Or you don't understand a word she is saying. My irritation is starting to show at work and I worry that if I talk about my frustrations it will get around. I've only mentioned my feelings to one or two girls (and they agree with me) but I don't feel like I can truly trust anyone. I guess I got this from the last department I worked in. I worked with a lot of mean, back-stabbing people that would turn on you publicly in a second. AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How will I learn anything about payroll from a supervisor who fails to recognize that I'm new and am just learning payroll, that doesn't make a lick of sense to me, and who is extremely inconsistent in what she tells people?! Atleast I have the person that helped me today. She is very knowledgeable and I can go to her any time I am confused. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my supervisor as a person. I just don't agree with her management skills and inconsistency. I caught her telling one of the reps something today that contradicted a procedure she told us before. When the rep brought it to her attention she said, "Oh yeah, you're right. Keep doing what you've been doing." I just shook my head inside and thought, "There we go again.........she's telling us something different as usual." My supervisor will be retiring at the end of the year........lets hope I can make it that long without having a nervous breakdown.

Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday.

Recipe: Salmon, sweet potato, and broccoli chowder

I got this recipe from Real Simple magazine and finally decided to try it last night. I used chicken and halfed the ingredients since I was cooking for myself. And eventhough I didn't have any thyme, it tasted great! I loved the use of sweet potato instead of the ordinary potato.

1 large onion, chopped (2 cups)
3 tablespoons unsalted butter
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
3 cups chicken broth
2 cups whole milk
1 large sweet potato, peeled and diced (1 1/2 cups)
1 bay leaf
1 teaspoon fresh thyme leaves
1 pound skinless salmon fillet, 2 skinless, boneless chicken-breast halves, or 1 pork tenderloin (1 pound)-meat or fish cut into 1/2-inch cubes
1 small broccoli stalk, cut into pieces (about 1/2 cup)
1/4 teaspoon kosher salt
Freshly ground pepper

In a large, heavy saucepan, over medium heat, cook the onion in the butter until softened, about 5 minutes. Add the flour and stir until smooth. Whisk in the broth and milk, then add the sweet potato, bay leaf, and thyme. Bring to a boil, reduce heat, and simmer, stirring occasionally, 8 minutes. Add the fish or meat and broccoli;simmer 5 minutes for the salmon, 7 minutes for the chicken, or 10 minutes for the pork. Season with the salt and pepper. Ladle into 4 bowls.