"Where there is ruin, there is hope for a treasure." -RUMI
I mailed this quote to a few friends on Friday. ...Definitely something we all need to hear about ourselves and our situations.
(...pulling the chamomile tea bag out from a fresh cup of hot water. Burning pumpkin spice tea lights I found on sale for $.98 at Target and listening to Smashing Pumpkin's 'Magic Lunchbox'.......the sound is freeing and hopeful.)
What a dramatic past day or so.......... Feeling as if I have completely made myself vulnerable to a few people. What a delicate, transparent, and desperate heart I can have. Alcohol brought it all out in me, and now I fear that the secret is out..........Cindy's fragile and thinks way too hard...........she apologized profusely (which I don't do anymore. some of you will remember my constant 'i'm sorries' back in college) and was out of her mind. I've never felt the way I did last night. I was in over my head and it all caught up with me. How people can drink and do drugs is beyond me...............what a crappy way to feel............not being able to move your limbs so that you can escape the room before saying something stupid............eyes rolling in your head like the room is rewinding and playing only three seconds of video footage over and over again..........and the feeling of having to trust that the friends around you won't be repulsed with whatever personality or monster comes out of you in a intoxicated mess. Uh, how embarrassed I am........... I just wanted someone to carry me upstairs because I knew I was going to feel ill, space out, and start talking about all the drama in my heart......and possibly not remember it the next morning. Next time can I get a "get out of jail" free card and be taken away from people, so I won't fear embarrassment the following day? If I could have made it up the stairs, I would have in a flash. Well, although I learned much later than others who tried things in highschool and college, I now know my limits-or more so the order in which to drink certain beverages. Ha!
Feelings....woah, woah, woah.....Feelings.....
I wanted my Dad's opinion on an HR assistant job I found in Nashville. It is for a mental healthcare organization. Well my Dad went into a spill about how he doesn't think it would be good for me to be around this type of environment. That a lady he knew told him about how she had to get out of the counseling profession because it was taking a major toll on her. That sometimes you just can't help people and you have to sit there and watch them self destruct. Well, first of all I would be working in the HR department not with patients. Second, I thought it would be a good opportunity if I eventually want to pursue an education in social work (focusing on mental healthcare or children). I know my family is proud of me.....but sometimes I do feel like I am on the outside............
I just want my life to mean something.......I see in myself creativity, heart, patience, honesty, faithfulness that I could use to help people. Yeah, ofcourse I wish I was in some type of career or spotlight in my personal life where I felt like I got a lot of attention from people............for example, rock star..ha!!!!!.............. . I just figure that even though I am currently battling the whole "why are we here" "why do we continue on and on...with what purpose?", that my purpose should be to show love to others. We are all here on this globe together, so why not love and help to heal each other. While I go to help heal someone else's heart, maybe mine will be healed in the process. / Sometimes I wonder why I get in these periods of confusion......and then I just think that maybe I am the way I am, and feel the way I feel, because God sat and created this heart in me. He intricately sat and formed, painted, and breathed my heart into creation and placed it in my chest to bleed for the world and show love..........and for someone else to love me back-just who that is I'm not sure, but hope for it one day.
Yeah yeah yeah. I definitely know that I have it better than others, that I am not as messed up as other people, that I haven't had as major junk come down on my life.............I guess that's why I want to help people.....to help relieve some of their worry and hurt and let them know that they will be ok......................
Wow, don't think I'm wacky if you read this...(eventhough I edited and deleted some)...this is just me talking.........feeling everything out. I really believe that talking about things, or working things through creatively, help for you to work out the kinks of a situation and come to peace and resolution. We wouldn't have a lot of the great music we listen to (large example-Smashing Pumpkins) if people didn't try to work out things through words and creativity.
Well, now that I have rambled...............I love you all.........you are all important, even when you don't feel that you are. You are not alone in how you feel, whatever feeling that might me. I am hear to listen if you need to call or email me.......I may not have any answers but will be here to care and listen.
Peace be with you, and also with you...
night
cindy
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Feeding Myself With Word, Music and Film
Film:
I have just gotten home from seeing the most amazing film, Tarnation. I am so glad I went to see this. I don't believe I could do any justice in explaining or describing this film (documentary), so please check out the website....
http://www.i-saw-tarnation.com/
It deals with mental illness, compassion, love, etc........ Make sure you read "about the film"-synopsis, the story of tarnation, and the director's statement....to see what it's all about. I urge anyone that if they have the opportunity to see this documentary to try and check it out. Johnathan Caouette (director) created the film from footage of he and his family that he's been making since he was 11 along with pictures and answering machine messages from his mother. He created the film in a way that the audience could experience his thought patterns (which I noticed immediately) as a symptom of his own illness, depersonalization disorder (defined as a feeling of disconnection from the body and a constant sense of unreality). Kevin: the visuals of this film made me think of your music that you've been making over the past few years........I think tomorrow is the last night the Capri is playing this film. Try and check it out if you get a chance. You'll also appreciate his choice in music, low-red house painters-cocteau twins.....
Wow, it was just a really amazing thing to see......
Books:
Just finished reading "A Clockwork Orange" by Anthony Burgess. I'll have to go back now and watch the film again(directed by Stanley Kubrick). The original novel included 21 chapters, but when it was to be published in the US the New York publishers decided to exclude the final chapter. It wasn't until the mid 80's that the book was republished in America with the final chapter. Thus, when Kubrick decided to make the film he left off the final chapter as we had been used to for so long. So now I am interested to see how well the book and film feel together and the mood it leaves you in due to the 21st chapter not being included. (I will always remember Docia and I watching A Clockwork Orange back in college. We locked the doors, lit candles, drank tea....... we thought we were being so sneaky so as to not offend anyone. Silly girls we were.)
I picked up a textbook at the used book store up the street for $1.00. It is "Introduction to Philosophy, Classical and Contemporary Readings". So I might read this next.
Music:
What I've been listening to: Catherine Wheel, Coldplay (live), The Polyphonic Spree, New Order
Ah, yes....well I haven't posted in forever. The stress of my job brought me to the decision to not get on the computer as much when i get home after work. I guess it reminds me of work and the stress of wondering what I will do with myself after the end of the month. So please forgive me if you have sent an email and I have yet to reply. I do hope to catch up eventually.
I have started a canvas, if you can believe that. I am taking it extremely slow....just scribbling, glueing, or painting for 30-45 minutes once a week. These are times when I wish I owned a digital camera. So that I could walk everyone each step of the way with me.....just to feel like someone is hanging out with me while I try to create......
The thought of "social work" has been popping in my head for about two weeks now. Not sure what is going on and where it's coming from (either my mind or maybe God is trying to communicate with me). So pray for me in this area.......that if it is something outside of my own thoughts that it will become more clear to me............I fell upon the new A&E show "Intervention" Sunday night. It was insanely honest and upfront. And now with this film tonight, I wonder if these are also things backing up this social work feeling I keep getting.........
Alright. Eating ramen and drinking passion fruit juice. I love you all. Good night.
c
I have just gotten home from seeing the most amazing film, Tarnation. I am so glad I went to see this. I don't believe I could do any justice in explaining or describing this film (documentary), so please check out the website....
http://www.i-saw-tarnation.com/
It deals with mental illness, compassion, love, etc........ Make sure you read "about the film"-synopsis, the story of tarnation, and the director's statement....to see what it's all about. I urge anyone that if they have the opportunity to see this documentary to try and check it out. Johnathan Caouette (director) created the film from footage of he and his family that he's been making since he was 11 along with pictures and answering machine messages from his mother. He created the film in a way that the audience could experience his thought patterns (which I noticed immediately) as a symptom of his own illness, depersonalization disorder (defined as a feeling of disconnection from the body and a constant sense of unreality). Kevin: the visuals of this film made me think of your music that you've been making over the past few years........I think tomorrow is the last night the Capri is playing this film. Try and check it out if you get a chance. You'll also appreciate his choice in music, low-red house painters-cocteau twins.....
Wow, it was just a really amazing thing to see......
Books:
Just finished reading "A Clockwork Orange" by Anthony Burgess. I'll have to go back now and watch the film again(directed by Stanley Kubrick). The original novel included 21 chapters, but when it was to be published in the US the New York publishers decided to exclude the final chapter. It wasn't until the mid 80's that the book was republished in America with the final chapter. Thus, when Kubrick decided to make the film he left off the final chapter as we had been used to for so long. So now I am interested to see how well the book and film feel together and the mood it leaves you in due to the 21st chapter not being included. (I will always remember Docia and I watching A Clockwork Orange back in college. We locked the doors, lit candles, drank tea....... we thought we were being so sneaky so as to not offend anyone. Silly girls we were.)
I picked up a textbook at the used book store up the street for $1.00. It is "Introduction to Philosophy, Classical and Contemporary Readings". So I might read this next.
Music:
What I've been listening to: Catherine Wheel, Coldplay (live), The Polyphonic Spree, New Order
Ah, yes....well I haven't posted in forever. The stress of my job brought me to the decision to not get on the computer as much when i get home after work. I guess it reminds me of work and the stress of wondering what I will do with myself after the end of the month. So please forgive me if you have sent an email and I have yet to reply. I do hope to catch up eventually.
I have started a canvas, if you can believe that. I am taking it extremely slow....just scribbling, glueing, or painting for 30-45 minutes once a week. These are times when I wish I owned a digital camera. So that I could walk everyone each step of the way with me.....just to feel like someone is hanging out with me while I try to create......
The thought of "social work" has been popping in my head for about two weeks now. Not sure what is going on and where it's coming from (either my mind or maybe God is trying to communicate with me). So pray for me in this area.......that if it is something outside of my own thoughts that it will become more clear to me............I fell upon the new A&E show "Intervention" Sunday night. It was insanely honest and upfront. And now with this film tonight, I wonder if these are also things backing up this social work feeling I keep getting.........
Alright. Eating ramen and drinking passion fruit juice. I love you all. Good night.
c