Stress in my middle name.

Gosh, I am so stressed. I have a hard time getting to sleep at night and my complexion is screaming "ahhhhhh!!!!!!" I constantly lye in the debate over if this Birmingham thing is going to be a good thing. I might have a great gameface, but honestly I am terrified and feel really alone on this one. My dad and stepmother have been so helpful in looking for apartments during the week. And friends have offered to get me moved. But I still feel so alone on this. Yeah, it's a payroll job.....and probably just a job, but I have this need to survive. Because that's what I've been doing since I was in highschool. I get so tired sometimes....wishing that I didn't have to do it alone. That I could come home and have someone there to complain, vent, cry, or act goofy to......because if you don't already know, fish don't talk back. I just hate that feeling creeping in.....the aloneness. It's not just about someone being there (I still don't think I'm ready for all that drama again, ha)............I even feel it when people just don't get me...............or I can't find friends to enjoy thai food with (har har). Sometimes I feel like some type of oddball............but I'm ok with that.

I think sometimes that when you are going through something, the Darkness likes to creep out with his little bag of goodies. Pulling out trinkets of personalites or traits that really get you down. "Hmmmmm, let's see. Cindy is yet again going through another life changing event. In the past four years she has gone through 3 different positions with her company, two major break-ups with the same person, the ups and downs of her family, and has moved into 3 different apartments/homes and is now going for number 4. Oh, and let's not forget she feels abandoned by and as if she is abandoning her friends in Montgomery. Oh yeah, and here's that hourglass of time that counts down the minutes where she feels like she doesn't know what she is doing with her life. Oooooohhhhhh, and just for an extra punch to the jaw I'm going to slap a satchel of guilt on her back to remind her how good she really has it and that there's other people worse off......so she feels guilty everytime she starts complaining or venting." Ugh, I feel so guilty right now and have had a major crick in my back lately (ha).

Well, blah blah blah blah.............there's me right now. I'm off to bed for now........hopefully.
Tonight's prayer goes out the to those addicted to drugs. The need to self-medicate something that's deeper than just a good feeling. Pray for those struggling with addiction tonight. That their hearts will be warmed, that stomachs will not feel empty, and that their minds will be clear to seek help either tonight or in the morning.

amen,
c

Smiling does a body good.......

That was good, but now with more attitude....

(Currently listening to Eisley-Room Noises)

Ok, so I haven't rented movies in forever-so last night I went on a mission to rent "A Clockwork Orange" since I finally read the book a month or so ago. Well after perusing shelves upon shelves of film I finally asked the nice employee if they had "A Clockwork Orange". I had wandered through the store for 15-20 minutes just roaming and unsuccessfully finding a copy in the drama section. I went so far to see if they may have categorized it as a "comedy" (imagine that) without it turning up. He said it was actually in the "Action" section and we laughed at how odd that was. But as we turned the corner he saw that someone had it out............ So thanking him for his kindness I advised that I would probably wander the store for another 30 minutes or so - since I hadn't really watched anything in a while and didn't know what was out there to see. Well I finally picked up "Dodgeball" which ended up being 'eh, ok'. I guess I was looking for a funny "Zoolander" feel......but all in all it was pleasantly funny especially since I had decided that my second rental would be a little more serious. I figured that "Dodgeball" would even me out if the second film made me depressed.......... "Garden State".

I remember really wanting to watch this film, but it was around the time I broke up with Matthew. And I new it would tear me up inside......so I've been putting it off for a while. I lit the honeysuckle candle I purchased at Walmart and decided to move my fish Dekooning from his usual place on top of the entertainment center. I use a metal filing cabinet as a side table to my tv chair and I thought that it would be a perfect move for Dekooning. (I should have never put him in such a boring place as the entertainment center.........plus I thought he'd enjoy a good film.) So Dekooning and I sat down to enjoy some peace and quiet from our minds to be still and enjoy "Garden State". It was so amazing......I needed to see this film so badly right now. It gave me that innocent feeling that I had when I saw "Lost in Translation". I felt hopeful at the end........and happy to know that there are others out there who connect with the things that stir within me. What a beautiful film...........innocently driven.......and surprisingly I didn't get depressed over the love that developed in the film. So it's definitely good that I saved the sit down for 10 months down the road.......... there is hope out there for me.......

---------
Something I've been really upset about is this bad habit I've picked up........cynicism. Sure I have been a pessimitic person in the past but I've noticed lately that a cynical attitude has started to infiltrate my words, the way I view people, and my actions. Comments pour out of my mouth with irritation and anger........and I can't stand it anymore. It's like I have a volatile attitude now......I get worked up with irritation over things people say, the way people treat me, and the way people treat each other. Ex.)The fact that I sometimes feel like people treat me like I don't know things. I mean, I think I'm pretty smart-although I didn't feel so smart back in highschool around my group of friends or when I would be around some of Matt's friends. This whole move thing has been frustrating........it's like I keep hearing the same thing over and over again about apartment hunting-the location, what to look for and what to not look for....I think I've found a place-but then someone 'downs' it. I guess I get bothered because I have done the apartment hunting thing three times in the past four years and I lived in Birmingham for a year-so I am kind of familiar with the ins and outs of the situation. I know I know...people just love me and are looking out for me, but I guess with my attitude lately I have taken it as them doubting my intelligence. / Well, (sorry, got side tracked) that's something I want to work on.......this bad attitude I've developed. I mean-something I can take from it is that I won't feel so helpless anymore and cry when I get home where no one can see me break.......but I don't need to be so irritable as I've been the past few months. I guess "this attitude" is something I hoped to heal in others-but instead I have taken it on. So pray that my nerves will be calmed and my heart will be purified from this negativity that smokes my mind into an irreconcilable numb mass.

I get so wore out.....so tired physically and mentally in trying to keep everything together from crumbling into a mess. I sit in the middle of my parents differences, the middle of needing someone that enjoys the quirky things I like, the middle of moral differences of my views and others' views, the middle of feeling like there should be (and is) more to this life than the formalities and that we need to be a little more goofy and less serious, and the middle of "me"-a sometimes silly struggle of emotional bliss, har har. Alas, it's bed time (oops past bed time! Just looked at the clock-a good film always does that to me...can't stop thinking). In reading this, I am not pointing the finger of blame at anyone but myself. Maybe I needed a period of frustration and "attitude" to form a little toughness......but I think it's time to lay it aside and be goofy, joyful, happy, loving, considerate, compassionate, creative, whole, giving, non-complacent and everything else that would bring happiness and community with others and myself.......gosh I'm so melodramatic!!!! argh!

Recent purchases and treats:
Eisley-Room Noises
Catherine Wheel-Happy Days
Copy of the Gorillaz from a friend
some yummy perfume - Ralph by Ralph Lauren
flip-flops and a tank top that says "bad hair day" with a silly little red head cartoon on it.
mint tea from Starbucks

Good night everyone. You are all so dear to me and I thank you for helping me out all the time and understanding my periods of drama. I am so happy to have all of you in my life....what an amazing journey it is to have people so wonderful and interesting in your life. Sleep well and be aggressive, be be aggressive! (cheerleader impression)

thanks for listening....

Crazy like Scorsese....

Um, er.....so my camera starting wigging out on me this past weekend. I'm going to try and figure out what the problem is, but this might be an excellant excuse to purchase a digital camera (hengh hengh). This would be great because I would have something compact to carry around for on-the-whim pictures of friends -AND- I could easily take pictures of art while it's in the making. Currently I would have to take pictures and wait for the film to be developed before I could post it here. But with a small digital camera I could take a quick picture and then post it online......... If you have any good personal reviews of a digital camera that is compact, good quality, but not overly expensive...please let me know! Thanks!

It's back to the water cooler for me....

Well as some of you know, I was let go on 3/31/2005. No worries, my department was aware of this about a year ago. With this past years series of events (my break-up, losing job, lease coming due in June) I decided to look for employment outside of Montgomery.

I have been given the chance to be rehired with Regions Bank in their payroll department (which I accepted today). I'll start training here in Montgomery on Monday and then will move up to Birmingham AL by 5/30/2005.
I'm kind of excited and kind of not. So many people are losing their jobs now-a-days so I am very thankful to be able to work and take care of myself. What's the flip-side of this? It's that I don't know what in the world I'm doing! (trying to be funny) Since I graduated from college I have moved several times, become disconnected from "the church", experienced an emotionally draining relationship, etc etc etc. Sometimes I just feel the overwhelming feeling that I don't know what to do with myself and feel unfulfilled.

I'm not overly excited about moving to Birmingham, but it's probably the best thing for me to do now. I feel like I'm taking a "blind leap of faith" because I have reached a point of uncertainty. Although I don't feel that close to God as I once was, I prayed that if I was supposed to get this job I would. -Praying that moving to Birmingham would atleast be the first of many doors that would begin opening to that meaningful life I have been missing for a while now. I have enjoyed being here in Montgomery but I know the only thing I have here are my friends that I love a lot. Montgomery is a very odd-town that I don't necessarily fit in with. I'm quirky and fun-loving, while Montgomery is oppressing and critical. I know Birmingham is not that much better, but I have to take baby-steps right now if I want to eventually move to somewhere I'd feel free (like Nashville, Seattle, etc). I knew that I wasn't supposed to move back to Mobile, but I hope that whatever city I settle in will have the warmth that I miss so much from Mobile. There you can be creative, free, hopeful, quirky, relaxed, outside, grounded, positive, loving, etc. And that's the type of place that I hope to find someday. I've lost some of myself here in Montgomery. It could be because of the relationship I had here, but I think it's just how a lot of Montgomery is-------critical, negative, sarcastic, close-minded, un-emotional, left-brain, literal, indoors, pragmatic, etc. (sorry to vent).

Please pray for me. I want so badly to find that peaceful, joyful, light-hearted side of myself again. Also (as always) please pray for my art that is slowly starting up again-----and my recent interest in social work. If you have anything you'd like me to pray about, please feel free to post it in the comments or email me directly.
I love you all. You are all amazing to me........ c

A day of photo-taking with Monica and Docia in downtown Mobile. 

A Case of Odd-Todd...........

Ah, the life of being unemployed. Thank God for a severance package. I looked hard everyday for about 1 1/2 months for a job (while I was still employed) but now I'm just burnt out. I've already prepared myself for not working during April so that I can go visit family in Texas if I want. I applied for a job in Nashville and last week I interviewed for a payroll job in Birmingham for the company I just termed from.

I don't know.....maybe this will finally be a time where I can find out who I am again. I spent five years devoted to someone and planning my life with them..........but since it obviously wasn't working out, I have to figure out myself all over again (and what a difficult job that will be). Maybe this is God's push (losing my job and my lease being up in a few months). It's been almost a year since my break-up and I still think about him ever-so-often. This morning I was drinking coffee, checking email when Ride came on kexp.com. It was hard since it reminded me of him back in the "good days" of our friendship and relationship.

I just hope that someday I'll find that person that totally and completely gets me.........that I've finally met my match and feel soul-connected with him. Maybe this is time for God to creep back into my life..........gosh I hope so because I feel so empty sometimes. No purpose, no faith, no understanding of why we are all here..........

Alright, time for some lunch and then out to buy produce and enjoy the gorgeous weather. Hey, atleast I an unemployed during such an amazingly beautiful time of the year. It's nice to get outside on days like today when the streets are less crowded while people are at work.

I love you all.................
peace and grace to you.
c