It's Hard to Leave All These Moments Behind.

(Kissing the Lipless plays by the Shins and just finishing a cup of hot pear white tea)
http://www.kexp.org/aspnet_client/KEXPViewMediaGroup.aspx?rID=1930&pID=528&fID=539&artist=SZ

Ever since I was originally terminated with my company I have had a difficult time sleeping. Especially with this new payroll job, starting my first day in Birmingham on Monday, and then moving to my new apartment the first weekend in June. I spoke with my Mom tonight and she said that it's because I feel so unsettled. Nothing feels still and confirmed right now. So my body, mind, and spirit are taking the exhaustion as best they can.

Last night I looked online to see what Elyse Sewell has been doing since she was third runner up on ANTM (America's Next Top Model, season 1). She has a livejournal-so I have been reading that the past two days. She seems like such a cool and interesting person. I would like to be a little more creative, open, and quirky like she is. Something else I'm taking from her livejournal is that she takes tons of pictures. Almost a pictoral of what she's doing, what she sees as she travels, etc. I would love to start doing this...........so my curiousity with the convenience of having a compact digital camera is growing minute by minute.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/elysesewell/

I'm 28 now. Lately I've been thinking about all the things I wish I had done more of - or had contained more self-esteem to do (like modeling-don't know what my fascination is. I guess I like the chaotic schedules, being someone's clothes hanger, acting via pictues without having to speak, and having opportunites to bring me out of my shell........travel, meeting people, experiencing things, etc.) It's just that it has taken me this long (28 years) to become ok with speaking and not being shy and silent..........I guess I'm just a late bloomer. I have had such low self-esteem for a long time....it still hits me, but I atleast don't depend on other peoplle to make me feel better about myself- especially my looks. I used to never like the way I looked. I would always look at other poeple, wishing that I looked more like them. All of this creeps up on me from time to time. But it's nothing like it used to be (oh, except for some pictures I saw recently.....I just felt like I looked awkward and ugly.......big horse face or something.) But like I said......I'm not down on myself like I used to be. So this is in no way a "fish for compliments" thing....just talking.

Joyce Meyers was on Larry King Live tonight. I just love her. She's so up front, witty, sarcastic, and real about things. I wish that I could wake up early enough to watch her show in the mornings-but, alas......sleep is hard to grasp...so I must sleep a little later in the mornings. She's actually having a conference in Birmingham in September. I am seriously thinking about going..........
http://www.joycemeyer.org/index.php?page=cal_home&page_ref=Nav&section_id=NA

I'm really going to miss my apartment when i move. This is the first place that really felt like I had made it on my own (financially and emotionally). May 9th marked what would have been my sixth year anniversary with Matt. I still think I did the right thing, but I still do get upset ever so often. Especially when i think how Matt must have gotten over me. I guess deep down I sometimes think, "How could he get over me? I'm amazing!" Yeah that's a very self-centered thing to say and really I had my own issues and problems that Matt had to deal with. I have definitley matured a lot in the past year in terms of the heart. Only thing now is wondering if I'll find someone that connects with my soul like Matt did (yeah, he did when he was 'ok'....just believe it despite the mess). And who in the world will put up with my quirks and views on things? Where in the past you were strange for being a radical, the world now turns on those who are more conservative in relationships. I'm not pure, white and innocent as I used to be-but my tactics in relationships are way more conservative compared against my friends' views. Well, I'll continue to be true to myself and things will work out in time. To me the worst thing is changing the veiws or morals you have (that you feel right in) just because you hope to attract someone to bring you out of loneliness. So I must remain true to myself.......odd quirks and all.

Ok, enough complaining. Prayer request for the night: George-bought him some food during my afternoon walk and gave him two bucks. I totally knew he was giving me a story......but that's between he and God (Phil taught me that, thanks Phil). Also, please pray for a friend here in Montgomery. He has been very ill and from what I've read on his blog experiences severe pain. Please pray that his body will be healed.
Thanks! Dudes and Dudettes!

Night.

Residence Evil/Relocationapocalypse

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I hate moving for the sheer fact of getting my stuff to another location while depending on friends to do so. I know that my friends would love to help and think nothing of it. I mean, if one of my friends were moving and they asked for some help I would jump in there and get going. I wouldn't want something in exchange for my good friendship-dom. But I feel so guilty!!!!! Especially since I only have two guy friends that can help on my moving day. I'm asking my brother in GA to come over. He has told my mother and I that he wants to help but I have such a hard time trusting him. My brother is very into his own schedule and his social life is usually booked up months well in advance. And sometimes he'll say that he'll do something but not follow through. Or it has to be on his time. My Mom is urging me to ask me brother (which I emailed him tonight) because she said he really wants to help me. So let's cross our fingers that he will say yes. That would give me an extra guy and take some of the stress off of Joey and Chris. AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I'm so torn because I hate depending on people. I guess because for so long I had to depend on others. That probably explains why I try to be so self-sufficient.......living on my own, making my own payments, blah blah blah.

So if anyone finds out that they have solved the problem of time travel or Star Treks' "Beam me up Scottie" moving technique, please let me know. Ha!

(listening to Nick Drake/Pink Moon)

I should really be lying in bed right now-settling my mind down to fall asleep. It seems that ever since the time change and my few weeks of unemployment I have a hard time wanting to get in the bed. To lye there, go to sleep, and become a robot in the morning-completing an organized morning of getting ready for work and breakfast and trying not to think about how uncertain I am about everything. So here I am. I haven't had late night tea in months.....so as my chamomile mint tea steeps I make these late night introductions.

Things have been a whirlwind lately. I was really concerned about my mom coming to visit for Mother's Day. Although I thought the best thing for her to do right now is get out of her home, I was still worked up with a panic attack that has lingered ever since my parents divorce and having to live through my mom's depression and alcohol through my highschool career. The weekend actually ended up great. We met with Monica and Brian for dinner. Pizza and beer-yes, my mom chose this nutrional dinner.....what can I say, she's cool. And then for Mother's Day she was just happy with hanging out, so she taught me how to make chicken and dumplings from scratch (something I've always wanted to learn from her).

While the food was cooking we somehow got on the subject of a cop in the news who had been sexually abusing a young girl and had also killed his wife. / Back in college, a friend shared that she had been molested as a child. During that conversation a picture popped in my head from my childhood. (Sometimes I wonder if I have imagined things when they pop up randomly or if because my childhood was filled with family drama that my mind purposely blurred some things) Ok so back to this picture. I remembered being a child (somewhere in the elementary school age) and as usual my brothers and their friends were outside playing basketball. We had a tri-level house, so you could walk out the bottom floor to where we parked and played basketball. The bottom floor was basically a gameroom. We had fooseball, a bar, tv, couch, darts, and a pin ball machine. Also in the tv/couch area we had a single bed that sat underneath a low hanging angled ceiling (which is basically below the stairs that went to the top level of the house). You could lay on the bed to watch tv or when you invited your friends to spend the night, you could hang in the game room and have a place for them to sleep. Well, I remember one of my brothers close friends was inside (lived in our neighborhood and we all basically grew up together). He was sitting on the bed and asked me to sit on his lap (I was an affectionate child. So sitting on peoples laps wasn't a 'thing'. Just a innocent kid thing. Plus I had known this guy for a long time. -he was probably highschool age) All I remember is that he said something to me and then started to rub the top part of my left thigh. It was in a circular motion-very slow and very meditated. I think someone walked inside which made him stop or I got up or something....this is where my mind fades out. So in the conversation with my mom, I found out that a few people on her side of the family had things happen to them as children (by an in-law). This kind of stuff just kills me inside. How can people be such creeps?! / So I felt better that I had told my mom and she felt better to be able to talk about her childhood. So all in all it was good.

Back to the old routine: Mom calls me yet again about Dad being late on alimony. I hate being in the middle of this crap. Argh, sigh. Owell. I just wish she would get a back bone and stand up to him. Whatever... I just stay out of it.

This world can just suck sometimes, you know? The views people have about sex and relationships can sometimes drive me up the wall. It's like it's not about "people" anymore. It's just about looks, quick gratification, disrespect, etc. I guess i don't agree in soley wanting to date or have sex because it's fun like some friends tell me.......or because you're lonely. I would feel so empty if I went about a relationship that wasn't tight and true. So I rarely date.....I don't see the point (for myself) in dating here and there. I guess I'm weird that way, owell. Whatever......I just stay out of it (ha! thought it would be funny to repoeat that line here for some reason).

Ah! I just realized what time it is. Must get sleep.....must not stay up. Alright, I ramble more about my views of junk later.

At the beep please leave your name, number, and a brief justification for the ontological necessity of modern man's existential dilemma and we'll get back to you. -- Reality Bites

Today, a day for falling in love with it all.....

My day.....

I was able to get to sleep a little bit earlier last night (11:30). I've been having a really hard time getting to sleep the past few weeks. So the usual bedtime has been around 12:30 - 1:00, which is not good for my attitude and awareness the following day. I had enough time to really pick out something to wear, dry my hair, and put on make-up while listening to Mr. Waid's mixed tape he made me of late. Then I even had enough time for a somewhat real breakfast that consisted of an egg over easy, some frozen strawberries and peaches I defrosted with a sprinkle of sugar on top, and a tall glass of the iced sweet green/white-pear tea I made last night. Then I cruised to work with the windows down listening to Keane at high-volume.

Lunch was pleasant. I am finally getting to go back to my old lunch spot eating with ole Hank (park with a statue of Hank Williams at it). So I hung out on a bench under a tree-sitting on a blanket eating Subway (a BLT w/ bell peppers, onion, black olives, parmesan, and southwest sauce, cool ranch chips, and 7-up). I watched this shadow of a man sitting across the park. It was an older-stocky man--arms crossed, facing the main street that runs downtown. He hardly moved....just sat there in that same position for the time it took me to eat my lunch. So after finishing up my meal and discarding my trash, I sat back down and grabbed my book (starting to read Brave New World for the first time). I read a page, looked back up to the spot where the man had been sitting....and he was gone. Just like that, poof* / The sun warmed my back and I could feel the sun quenching my hair's desire to go to a hue of red from the brightness of the sun. The wind blew perfectly and made me feel romantic about my wonderful little lunch spot that I have missed through out the winter time.

After getting home and changing into a skirt, shirt, and flip-flops (definitely a skirt kind of day), I drove to Walmart to finally stock up on groceries. I made it to the gas station just as my gas light was developing it's orange mockery......I had planned to snag a flavored milk (ex., banana, stawberry, or blueberry) but there was none to be found. So I grabbed a water and then my eyes glided across the stocked floor to find Krispy Kreme donuts. Oh, how I miss that impulsive desire for sweets........ I grabbed a raspberry filled un-glazed donut that had a vanilla frosting on top with graham cracker-like crumbs. Oh my gosh, it was so good! so I drove to Walmart scarfing down a delicious donut.

After Walmart I cruised home with the windows down............it was amazing............I let my hand hang out the window letting the wind roll through my fingers like running your hand in a stream at night while sitting with friends. I felt free from my worries over my job, my move to Bham, my major argument with my mother last night, my feeling of inadequacy and numbness.......and just let the air stream over my arm and flowing up through my hair. Besides the autumn, this particular time of the year is my favorite. Not spring time exactly, but the beginnings....just after the pollen has fallen like a blanket and the smell of honeysuckle lingers on every trace of the air. The fresh green has taken it's role and the parks, country roads and back yards exhibit the beauty of love-making between flower and leaf. Not only are people developing love, but the plant life is overwhelmed with love and passion creating this feeling and smell of sugary sweet affection for the spring......... / On my homestretch 100.5 played some old Weezer and the Smiths.....it just felt like God was giving me a break today. A break from feeling insignificant. So he gave me all of these things to take in....sight, taste, touch, smell, sound..............

Oh, if I could have more days like today......

Currently listening to:
It's how high you are and the time it takes to heal
It's how high you are and the time it takes to heal

I can climb a tree and push up through the leaves 'cos
Only when i try am I happier to see
My head's in some kind of space where boyhood used to be
It's how high you are and the time it takes to heal

But it's all a lie and I've never felt so sad
There's a streak of melancholy running down my back
And there's a great mistrust that borders round the man
I call it strange from a boy who never left his head
It's how high you are and the time it takes to heal

And everyone needs someone to live by
Eveyone needs someone to live by

But it's all a lie, It's a lie to make you beg
For something more for something better than you've had
And I wish i knew
I wish I knew how to change
'Cos everyone needs someone to live by
Everyone needs someone
Everyone needs someone to live by
Everyone needs someone
Everyone needs someone
It's how high you are and the time it takes to heal
-Heal, by the Catherine Wheel