The Cure, A Scanner, and Rouged Lips.....

(Currently listening to The Cure, Staring At The Sea-The Singles)
The first video (and song) I ever witnessed of The Cure was "Let's Go To Bed" back in the mid 80's. Every time I hear that song I think back to me bopping around on the carpet in front of the tv. I must have been 6 or 7 because the song came out on a 1982/1983 album. Ah, my life growing up on MTV videos and all the music my oldest brother would bring back from college.

Below:
I think The Kiss turned out well......I found some butterflies from one of my magazines that made a nice frame of sorts.... I messed with some makeup to make my lips have more of a pout. It looks like a porcelain doll's mouth up there instead of mine.

Kiss

Personals, Dating, and Single-dom oh my!

So a lot of people are seeking people via the web now a days. Yeah, sure......my friends and I would occasionally post a profile back in the college days just to see who would reply or to find an internet pen pal. But now-a-days people are seeking that special someone at the ease of a few key strokes. I have a few girl-friends that have put up personal ads online and along with your toothpaste and orange juice commercials you get a dose of dating service commercials with "this will be! an everlasting love.." playing in the background. At the age I'm at (28 to be exact) it's very hard to meet people. You don't have college to give you daily opportunities to catch someone's eye across campus or late night excursions to a dock to talk in the moonlight and toy with the idea of becoming more than friends. Now, a lot of people go to church not to seek God but to look for a life partner..........but hey, atleast it's putting people in the house of God, I guess......... And if you're not into the "meat market" scene at your local bar & grill, well you're pretty much out of luck. When you start to feel lonely you hope that for some reason fate will occur and you'll meet your destined partner on a quick trip for milk at the grocery store or while pumping gas on your way home from work. And it's hard to look cute while filling the ole gas tank or picking out the half gallon of milk with the latest expiration date, ha. So why does it seem that so many people are single now-a-days? Why are people waiting so much later to get married and have children? But like I can talk.........I always said as a child that I would get married at 28..........well, I have 5 months to go before I have a birthday..........(looks at bare wedding finger and sighs).............. I remember that a guy I dated back in college said he was going to have me married before 28......ah, we were so silly then weren't we.....good times.

It has blown my mind recently on falling upon an ad by this old friend. I just think, "why in the world does he have to post an online ad?! He's this amazing guy (or I remember him as this), good looking, has a lot going for him, etc. He should have girls going bananas over him. (ok, gwen stefani rings in my head). I try not to be self-righteous but I think the same things of myself. I'm this amazing girl (or I remember me as this, ha), good looking (well I think so except on off days), has a lot going for her (I think?). So why am I not married? Why am I not having a good time with my husband, exploring different cities, eating pizza and watching movies, and calling each other retarded pet names that crack us up? Why am I not with someone and bargaining that our first girl's name be Evangeline (ha)? Why am I not with someone who will hold my hand as we pray over our dinner? Why why why?! I want the golden goose now, daddy!!!! (ha, the Veruca Salt in me jumps out)

Well, number one: I was in a very serious relationship for a long time. It has taken me a long time to get over it..........and now I'm just learning to be by myself and be ok with that.

number two: I guess I'm picky. I've never been a dater for the sake of dating. I don't really feel like getting someone's hopes up if I'm not seriously interested in them.....and I don't want someone to do that to me. I have to really get to know someone before I even know if there is some spark......and there's only been two sparks that hit me, which I dated both of them. Except for that old highschool crush I had.....sparks were there but alas......

number three: Deep down I feel that if it's meant to be then it's meant to be. I really feel like there is someone meant for me.....but it's just not time right now. Maybe I'm some romantic spiritual person-but I feel that God is really giving me time to work out all of my heart-ache and is allowing time for that guy that will one day be in my life to grow so that he can be the type of guy I need. I pray this is true..........

So just as a goofy thing to do, I will post my own little personal ad. God? Make sure you read this, take notes, and keep an eye out, HA! I'm silly.........well for fun, here we go.

Gender: Woman seeking Man
Marital Status: Single, never married (although it felt like I was)
Body Type: Slender, I think
Height: 5' 11"
Eyes: Brown
Hair: Auburn
Ethnicity: Caucasian
Sense of humor: Friendly, Clever/Quick witted, Goofy
Social Setting: Shy at first, Better in small groups
TV Watching: Channel Hopper, Movies, Documentaries, Dramas
Smoking: Doesn't smoke
Drinking: Drinks socially (I would say 2-3 times a year....what a party girl, ha!)
Have kids: no
Wants kids: yes
Education: College Grad
Employment Status: Full-time
Religion: Christianity
Political Views: Conservative
Astrology: Sagittarius
Interests: Art, Dining, Movies, Listening to music, reading, gaming, television

About my match:
Age: 27-31
Marital Status: Single
Body Type: Average, Fit
Height: 5' 8" - 6' 1"
Eyes: Any
Hair: Any
Ethnicity: not sure ? matters on who someone is as a person i guess
Sense of Humor: Any, but I am turned off by sarcastic humor.
Social Setting: Any, but not into someone who always has to be the center of attention in a conversation.
TV Watching: Any, but not in to guys who watch sports 24/7,
Smoking: Doesn't smoke
Drinking: Socially, just a few times a year.
Living Situation: Alone
Have kids: No
Want kids: yes
Education: Some college, College Grad, Post grad
Employment Status: Um, well employed would be nice...
Occupation: Any
Income: Any
Religion: Christianity
Attend Service: Any
Political Views: conservative to middle of the road
Astrology: any
Languages: English would be nice...
Interests: Someone who likes a little of everything, movies, music, being creative (it could be film, writing, music, art), sports are ok but I'm more of the soccer and baseball type of gal-I can't sit through a football game unless I have access to a blanket and pillow near by-ha, reading, dining, family, spirituality, social service,.....

In my own words: I'll save this for another time..... It's late and I have a busy day ahead of me at work tomorrow. Time for rest. Sleep well everyone....night, c

"The nude that broke my heart"

.

So I first heard of Catherine Wheel back in highschool. Much to my mother's disapproval I would stay up late every Sunday night to catch every beautiful moment of what was good tv, MTV's 120 Minutes. Some band named Catherine Wheel had just released a new album that year (1993) by the title "Chrome". MTV was playing the video for the third track "Crank" and for some reason I knew it was going to be good. So, as I did with other major video watching milestones (such as video's for "Prison Sex"-Tool, "Heart Shaped Box"-Nirvana, "Tomorrow"-Morrissey, Helmet) I didn't breath until the video was over. It was that amazing to me. From the first 20-30 seconds of pinging melodic and raw guitar I knew that there was something deeper about this band. And then Rob Dickinson's voice peeks through the guitar to dive into a sweet innocent loathful verse.....sigh. I read in some guy's album review where he said that Rob's voice sounded like he had just smoked ten cigarettes made of honey.....I think he got that one right. Weeks later 120 minutes started playing track 8 "the Nude". What an amazingly beautiful song. Everytime I hear it, I go back to a day when I had my first real-passionate kiss....the one's you daydream about....... It's one of those songs that makes me just want to be beside someone, napping on linen sheets, windows open, fan turning, and the smell of mint and the person I love enveloping us. Yeah, I'm a sap...... It wasn't until a few years ago that I starting seeking out Catherine Wheel again-and finally starting buying the music I remembered back in highschool. I think it was all life's timing because I don't think I would've gotten the lyrics as I do now.....after living, sinning, seeking, feeling....... I really relate to the album now....in this "limbo" of sorts....feeling 'less than' less than perfect.....dealing with the sinful self and the clear-eyed innocent girl in me trying to battle it out.........

I will definitely say that this album is in my top ten favorites. I love every song on the album but the ones that get me are "Crank", "Pain", "The Nude", "Ursa Major Space Station", and "Fripp".
some verses:
Love my superstitious games
Running circles round my brain when I'm left
smiling

I love to steal this living steam
My head in someone's dream
I'm tired of sleeping

Call me crank, my idea
Crank, so super
Crank, my conscience clear
-"Crank"

You're making me doubt myself
This feeling I know so well
Feeling of naked lust
This feeling I love so much

Far deep, phantom seeking oh you are
The nude that broke my heart, the nude that broke my heart
Phantom breathing oh you are
The nude that broke my heart The nude that broke my heart
Upon the wall, the life is drawn
love is lost, the truth will fall
The sinking ship, the sinking soul
The final fear The picture on the wall
-"The Nude"

I'd follow you through time
'Til it's not worth living
And if somewhere there's a sign
That I just don't know Then I just won't show you

Let's take a rocket ship to Mars
And anchor off the satellite for lonely hearts
Such a special place In outer space...
-"Ursa Major Space Station"

On the sheets and pillow case
In my bed for heaven's sake
The devil's dancing until late in my head there
But I could sleep with you there I could sleep with you there
Always Always
-"Fripp"

Brand and Aid me... (top half)

Here is a 8 1/2 x 11 sketch I worked on at the e. blvd. Starbucks during the week before I moved from Montgomery. I've divided it into the top and bottom half because it will not scan in its entirety.

Brand and Aid me... (bottom half)

bottom half

Freaky....

Ok, so in my post below I quoted some Rage Against the Machine beside the show I've been watching intently, Into the West. I said, "it's comin back around again, this is for the people of the sun!".

So here's when I have one of those, "Is that God trying to signal to me?" type moments. Either that or my Cherokee ancestors are just saying hello........ because even though it was past 12pm the jockey that runs The Vintage Vault decided to take one more caller's request. And "what was that request?" you might ask, People of the Sun by Rage Against the Machine.

Freaky!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another day, another 'drama'......

Good morning kiddies........... This is probably the first Saturday I haven't slept past 10 am. I've just been in such a slump since moving and starting a new job. It's usually a slow and solemn wave that flows over me for weeks when I go through some life changing event. And when you don't have "girl hang-time" because your friends live out of town, you don't really have anyway of getting your mind off of things. There's nothing like some retail therapy with a funny girl-friend.

I will say though, that I have had a great morning so far........I think mostly do to waking up in time to listen to 100.5's Vintage Vault from start to finish (10am - 12pm). I've heard The Cult, The Pixies, The Smashing Pumpkins covering a Depeche Mode song, Prodigy, The Black Crowes, Better Than Ezra, Cornershop, The Toadies, The Rentals, Weezer, Garbage, The Ramones............ And with the silly little girliness that is still inside of me, when I hear some guy call in and request something really cool over the radio I think, "Where can I find a guy like that?" Yeah, I'm a dork. I'm in love with music and get excited when I meet people who like the music like I've been hearing this morning.

My only fall back when listening to the Vintage Vault is that a lot of the music I'm hearing is eternally wrapped around a love from years past or who I was back then. Gosh, I remember that sometimes I would look at one of my best friends from Mobile and think, "Why is it that she still talks about this ex years after they were together?".....it wasn't until just in the past year she got over him. She didn't realize this until they crossed paths, he confessed his undying love for her, and she had the epiphany that after years of him still being in her heart and mind that she was finally over him. So I wonder if one day I'll finally be able to watch a movie or listen to music and not think of "him". I guess it's hard when that someone was your first for a lot of things. Just like my friend from Mobile, these guys were our first loves, first serious relationship, and first in general. Alas, another day...another drama.

There's a large Goodwill down the street from my workplace. So I think I'm going to drop off some things I need to get rid of and maybe do a little Goodwill shopping. Should be a good time...... Then either tonight or tomorrow I'm going to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory! Alright, time for some "getting perty" time and then I'm out for a day on the town............out. (The Lemonheads and Coldplay turn out for the last ten minutes of the vault)

Recent shows:
Into the West on TNT ("it's comin' back around again, this is for the people of the sun!")
Dog the Bounty Hunter
Most Haunted on the Travel Channel

movies:
Singles
War of the Worlds

Recent Purchases:
Coke with Lime
Ben and Jerry's Oatmeal Cookie Icecream
The Body Shop, Invent Your Scent Eau De Tiolette blendables gift pack
Aqua jute rug from Target
cd, The Catherine Wheel-Chrome (from Backtrax in Montgomery....support this local shop if you live in the Gump)
Coldplay tickets (hey it's the nose bleed section, but you only live once......I'm so excited!!!)

Workplace, Smirkplace....

So I am having a really hard time at work. I worry that my inner attitude of irritation is starting to come out so that others can see, which I don't want to happen. I don't really know who I can trust at work even when one of my co-workers is spilling their views of people in the workplace. One of my main issues is with my supervisor. Don't get me wrong she is very knowledgeable and gets things done......but I think she is one of the most confusing and inconsistent people I know. At first I thought that I just didn't understand her "language". That maybe I just wasn't getting what she was saying and that it was my issue not hers............. but deep down I don't think that's the case. In regards to procedures, she will say one thing and then the next day she will give you a totally different answer. A lot of the judgment calls she makes on things are very haphazard and without thinking how her decisions will pan out. So she'll make a decision one day, then have to change it a few hours later, then change it back, and then the next day we'll have to redo everything we did before because she finds out that the choice she made is not thought out in terms of how it will affect other departments or employees.

I really got fed up today. She came by my desk since I am one of only two people who have access to our old company's payroll system. She had an email (and received a phone call earlier in the day) from a manager about an incentive pay someone received back in 2004. So she specifically asked me, "Can you look to see which check this incentive pay posted on last year since you have access to the old system? Here is the person's id number, the amount of the incentive, and it should have posted around september or october." That's all she said. She did not explain to me why I needed to find this check. She just asked me to find it. So I think, "Oh, this will be easy! I just need to find the check it posted on, print it out, and give it to her." So when I walk into her office smiling as I show her the check the money posted on she starts discussing tax repayments, so on and so on. So she goes on and on talking and asking what I calculated this person's repayment amount as and I had to stop her. I said, "oh wait a minute. Maybe I misunderstood, I apologize. I thought you asked me to just find the check in which the incentive posted (which is what she asked me to do). I did not realize that you wanted me to calculate the repayment based on how much he paid in tax and how much he has already paid back." (I was ticked. This is what she always does. She asks you to do something specific then later she acts like she asked you something different.) I had no idea what she was talking about as usual. So I decided to just wait until one of the payroll reps came back from lunch to help me (this payroll rep being the other person with access to this system). I told her what happened and she helped me and personally gave it to our supervisor. The girl that helped me (she is basically next in rank to the supervisor) has talked with me twice about how she disagrees with a lot of what our supervisor says. She thinks that a lot of her decisions are not very legal and/or consistent with policies.

It just stinks when you feel like you can't trust anything your supervisor tells you to do. Or you don't understand a word she is saying. My irritation is starting to show at work and I worry that if I talk about my frustrations it will get around. I've only mentioned my feelings to one or two girls (and they agree with me) but I don't feel like I can truly trust anyone. I guess I got this from the last department I worked in. I worked with a lot of mean, back-stabbing people that would turn on you publicly in a second. AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How will I learn anything about payroll from a supervisor who fails to recognize that I'm new and am just learning payroll, that doesn't make a lick of sense to me, and who is extremely inconsistent in what she tells people?! Atleast I have the person that helped me today. She is very knowledgeable and I can go to her any time I am confused. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my supervisor as a person. I just don't agree with her management skills and inconsistency. I caught her telling one of the reps something today that contradicted a procedure she told us before. When the rep brought it to her attention she said, "Oh yeah, you're right. Keep doing what you've been doing." I just shook my head inside and thought, "There we go again.........she's telling us something different as usual." My supervisor will be retiring at the end of the year........lets hope I can make it that long without having a nervous breakdown.

Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday.

Recipe: Salmon, sweet potato, and broccoli chowder

I got this recipe from Real Simple magazine and finally decided to try it last night. I used chicken and halfed the ingredients since I was cooking for myself. And eventhough I didn't have any thyme, it tasted great! I loved the use of sweet potato instead of the ordinary potato.

1 large onion, chopped (2 cups)
3 tablespoons unsalted butter
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
3 cups chicken broth
2 cups whole milk
1 large sweet potato, peeled and diced (1 1/2 cups)
1 bay leaf
1 teaspoon fresh thyme leaves
1 pound skinless salmon fillet, 2 skinless, boneless chicken-breast halves, or 1 pork tenderloin (1 pound)-meat or fish cut into 1/2-inch cubes
1 small broccoli stalk, cut into pieces (about 1/2 cup)
1/4 teaspoon kosher salt
Freshly ground pepper

In a large, heavy saucepan, over medium heat, cook the onion in the butter until softened, about 5 minutes. Add the flour and stir until smooth. Whisk in the broth and milk, then add the sweet potato, bay leaf, and thyme. Bring to a boil, reduce heat, and simmer, stirring occasionally, 8 minutes. Add the fish or meat and broccoli;simmer 5 minutes for the salmon, 7 minutes for the chicken, or 10 minutes for the pork. Season with the salt and pepper. Ladle into 4 bowls.

So I haven't had a pair of converse since my last year of college. I had a pair of burgandy suede one-stars that I wore out completely. So I finally decided to purchase my first pair of converse in 6 years. Wow! That's a long time. As soon as I slipped them on I remembered why I love them so much- 1) nothing's cooler than sportin' some cons, and 2) they are so extremely comfortable! Yeah, converse are about $10 more than they were back in college but treat yourself to a pair and sport a grin as you skip around in old-school style.

Take two and call me in the morning...

.....if it were only that easy.

Do you ever pray and not really know who, or what, you are praying to anymore? Well, that's been my predicament for a year or two now. Between the year after I graduated college (2000) and 2003 I could feel the faith inside my heart and my mind slowly fading. It wasn't too bad because I still knew it was there and had the hope that my faith would eventually regenerate and all would be ok within a few years. But I never thought that after five years I would still be fading- and from 2004 up to today I have come to a point where I question everyday if I even believe in God/Christ anymore. / As I tried to pray tonight I thought to myself that there must be something inside of me because of me crying. It's just that I never thought going into my fifth year of this spell that I would still feel nothing. No faith, no belief, etc. Like my faith in Christ is just some amnesiac memory of myself that pops up in my head for just a hint and then goes away-leaving me to question who in the world I was when I used to believe and how I got to this point of losing that part of myself. All I knew to say while praying about some major stuff I'm dealing with at work was, "I don't know if you're real anymore God but if you are please hear me."

When I went for a spell of counseling a few years ago my counselor talked about how interesting my situation was. She said that usually people go through their questioning/doubting stage during their early twenties. Then by my age they come to a true faith in God. But she noticed that in my case that my faith was unquestionable during my early twenties and now I'm going through the doubting phase.

What makes me angry is that I thought I would be through with this by now! That I would have resolution and be in that place within my heart where I believe that God is real and that what is in the Bible is truth and not some script. I can sit here and blame things that have happened over the past 4-5 years that have brought me to this point of spiritual desolation, but then I think that it's all my fault and that I can't put the blame on other people. That it's my fault that I have become what I have in terms of not really believing anymore. I know I have been really tested since 2000 by being surrounded by drugs, alcohol, sex, overly liberal views, being teased about my more conservative morals, not having that core group of people I can relate with spiritually. But although I have stuck to my guns on most of these things, I still have failed and feel as if it is all my fault. But really there is nothing I can do....I've tried reading my Bible, I've tried praying, I've tried reading Christian based texts, I've tried attending different churches within Chrisitianity........but nothing has worked. It's as if I feel like I'm paralyzed. I look at my legs to move.....I use my mind, my strength, my will.....but nothing happens.......my legs just sit there. I feel like nothing can be done.

Last night I looked out my window and saw the trees rustling and felt that I knew there is more to what we see, hear, and taste. There is something beyond ourselves, that being God-Christ-and the Holy Spirit, and all that we think we are. But just like I said earlier, the amnesia strikes again and a few minutes later I say in my head, "Well that was nice. A little moment of thinking God is still real. now on to other things.......", and my mind slips off. Deep down inside I know there is more than this life. When I think about how babies are formed vein by vein within their mother's womb. When i watch nature and animals. When I think about the intricacy of our minds and emotions. It makes sensse to me that there is something greater than ourselves and all of our possessions, having to make a living, etc. But I just can't get myself to "feel". / Sometimes I start to think that if God is real, that he will eventually punish me in some way for me thinking that I don't believe in him anymore. But oh if I could make myself not doubt I would cure this illness within me immediately! Because I hate this dead feeling inside of me, and it seriously does feel like I'm ill. Being eaten away by some spiritual sickness from within. When will it stop and I be cured?