Sitting here listening to Viva Voce live on KEXP Seattle from 9/2004. Sipping on some Mint/Spearmint tea, washing clothes, burning a Bombay spice candle from Old Time Pottery, and posting here for you.

Running: Alas, I think I'm going to take my running to the streets solo. I would love to go with the group runs on Mondays and Thursdays but I am having a hard time making the distances that are elected for each week. ....too advanced for me. So for my own little schedule I am doing the following this week and next week...
Walk 1/2 mile
Jog 1/4 mile
Walk 1/4 mile
Jog 1/4 mile
Walk 1/4 mile
Jog 1/4 mile
Walk 1/4 mile
This means 2 miles will be covered total.

Food:
I made home-made dinner rolls for the first time a few weeks ago. I can't remember if I ever posted this. It was pretty fun and a very meditative thing to do on a Saturday afternoon. I'll probably try another bread-related recipe in the next few weeks....so I'll keep you posted on how that goes.
While on the phone with my Mom last night I got an asparagus casserole together, but was crushed to discover that the ritz crackers I thought I had were in fact wheat ritz. (FYI: do not use Wheat ritz for this recipe. Toasted wheat ritz end up being very dry.) So I wrapped up the casserole and stuck it in the fridge and will snag some ritz at the store today.
Here's the old Sullivan family favorite:
Asparagus Casserole
(I don't have measurements. But to give you an idea.....when I make it for myself I use a glass meatloaf sized baking dish, 4 hard-boiled eggs, 1 can of soup, 1 can of asparagus....)
Canned asparagus spears (drained)
Canned cream of mushroom soup (straight from the can, no mixing with H20/milk)
Hard-boiled eggs (deshelled and sliced by an egg slicer)
Plain ritz crackers
Butter
Salt and Pepper
Lightly butter the baking dish. Start with a thin layer of soup on the bottom. Then you will start layering. You can do two or three layers. I usually just do two since I'm just cooking for myself. Here we go...
Layer of asparagus
Few small dabs of butter
Layer of egg slices
Salt and Pepper
Layer of soup
(repeat for how ever many layers you want)
On top of the very last layer of soup you will crumble ritz to cover the top. Then drizzle melted butter over the crackers.
Bake uncovered on 350 for about 30-45 minutes (until the casserole is bubbling and the ritz have toasted).

Heart Issues: So why am I still hurt and broken hearted? It's now been 1 year and 2 months. Oh well, I will persevere. I guess one big thing is that feeling that I have lost a lot of who I am. Is it gone or will it not come out of me again until I meet the right guy? I think that people should be their own person and personality but I also think that others should bring out the positive of who you are even more. Ofcourse I don't go out or am in the position to meet new people, but so far I don't think I've met my match. I haven't gotten that feeling that someone is bringing out the best in me and visa versa. It's not something that can be forced, it has to be a natural spiritual thing. I hate to feel like I'm being forced into anything...even when someone is trying to force the best out of me. It's unnatural............I'm hoping for a natural click to happen. But first I need to get back to loving who I am first and getting the confidence in myself back that I lost over the past 5-6 years. I think I'm still that girl from years ago........the girl who loves rock shows, movies, coffee, being silly, spiritual (although I'm struggling), loves people, etc. but it's just hard when you don't have people that share those likes. It's kind of like you start forgetting who you are or something when you don't have comrads of the creative type. This is in no way saying I don't love my friends...they are the best....but I do miss doing things I like to do "with people" as opposed to alone. But ofcourse that has to be natural too....I'm not going to force people into liking things I like. Ok, rambling.......

Alright, I need to go scout out some groceries.

Running.

I finally got back on the horse and went to do my mile of 1/8's today. (walk, run, walk, run......) I didn't make it to the new runner's group run on Thursday since I had to work late. Plus, my left knee was giving me problems. So that means I did my 1/8's on Monday with the group, Wednesday with my step-sister, and then took it easy for the rest of the week. I got out and bought some running shoes on Saturday..... I totally know nothing of running shoes so I hope the guy at the running shop made a good choice. I got a pair of Brooks Adrenaline GTS. Gosh, running shoes are expensive!!!! Owell, it's been 5 years since I've purchased tennis shoes so I just bit the bullet and went for it. A friend went with me today to do the 1/8's. I had some pain in my knee while doing the 1/8's of running but luckily I'm not experiencing any tightness or swelling to the left knee like I did earlier this week.

Here's my schedule for this week. We'll see how the knee holds up. I'm not going to push myself too hard because I don't want to over do it..... They say to go 4-6 times a week but I'm going to shoot for 4.
Week 2:(4 to 6 days per week)
Start with a 5 minute warm up walk, then alternate walking & jogging and walk only half the distance of each jog, as follows:
Jog 1/4 mile (one lap) then
Walk 1/8 mile (1/2 half lap)
Jog 1/2 mile (2 laps)
Walk 1/4 mile (1 lap)
Jog 1/4 mile (1 lap)
Walk 1/8 mile (half-lap)
Jog 1/2 mile...go home

..
Why am I still up at 1:30am? Owell. I have updated my blog profile. I also have set up yahoo messenger. So if you use yahoo messenger feel free to say hey. You will find my id name on my profile page.

Here's those two poems I mentioned earlier... It's pretty wild to think this was almost 6 years ago. Maybe it will all make sense one day.
Death upon a serpant's tongue can fold
the manner away.
To embrace the things that kill your soul
-and files the presence of one's
own being under the crooked box.

"Which way is the undertoe?," screaming
little 'i' to the siren of 'me'.
Right around the corner, up there on the
bookcase...
and the pages of my flesh are torn
from the seams--
and the verbial binding of my unproven vows
of sincerity. collapse in one moment
and just to say that I have loved.
-OCT 12, 1999 B&N
c. sullivan

Terrible change of "whether"
-in all the meaning
of trying to map out inconsistency.
dwell into a seizure, in the shape
formed by two
the calling doesn't stop,
when you trying to choke your soul.
it's difficult to stop all the bleeding
for the sores in your head.
and some change of a man==
blind to unblind... for the boy.
maybe for me--
might mend all of the sores.
-OCT 12, 1999 B&N
c. sullivan

Hooray Hooray it's Sofa Day!

Well, I'm sitting here finishing off some scrambled eggs w/ cheese, cinammon toast, and a Barq's rootbeer. Listening to the Vintage Vault, emailing song requests...........For Squirrels: Anything off of the album Example, Anything by Ride, My Bloody Valentine: Sometimes, or Hole: Miss World. Let's hope one slides in to the mix. I still have a hard time listening to these two hours of music from my teen and college years. And still get that sick feeling in my stomach when I'm reminded of my old heart-ache. Got an email recently of two poems I wrote back in '99. I was pretty taken aback by how I used to write......I'll post them a little bit later today. Only thing is I don't know someone's intentions by emailing me without ever saying anything about theirself. I feel like I just get cryptic messages that I don't feel I should respond to........ hmmmmmm.

Well, as I stated in my title it's SOFA DAY! The delivery guys will be bringing my sofa, chair, and ottoman today! I'm so excited......not only because I'll have some new furniture but because it's amazing that I can even buy furniture. Pretty much since I left for college up to now I have had Goodwill furniture or hand-me-downs from friends and family. So this marks a major milestone in my life.........I do feel blessed to be able to afford something this big. I think it says a lot when a girl can work and support herself and get to a point where she doesn't need help. I guess that's why I get irritated with people that have a free-ride from family and don't go get a job. Who cares if it's working in a gas station to being a corporate ceo as long as it makes you happy, just get one! Feel good about yourself because you are making something of yourself and creating a life for yourself. Girls, you need to learn to support yourself because you never know what may happen........ And boys, how will you ever be able to support a relationship or have children if you can't get it together and just go get a job. I also get ticked off with people that steal. Hey, I probably don't know their situation.....so I can't totally speak.....but come on, if I can get out there and take care of myself then anybody can. Quit taking things from people who bust their butts trying to make a life for themself.

Ok, that's it for now. Gottah vacuum. Will post a little bit more later on today.

das Alphabet part 2

Q koo
R err
S ess
T tay
U oo
V fow
W vay
X iks
Y ipsilon
Z tsett

For audio pronunciation go here, http://german.about.com/library/anfang/blanfang_abc.htm

Run Lola Run

Well, my step-sister has talked me into going to a running class. The New Runners Society of Birmingham puts on two classes, 101 and 102, for new runners. Ofcourse, I am 101 (she is 102 but came with me on Monday to kind of get me started, then I'll have to go on my own, yikes. You know how I am around large groups of people I don't know. Hola, shyness!). They started 2 weeks ago but I was told last night that if it was your first night that really we would be starting with the first regular class. So although everyone else was jogging really well (going past me as well) I had to remind myself that last night would have really been the start of it all. We are working on 1 mile right now where we are walking 1/8, running 1/8, walking 1/8, running 1/8.....you get the idea.....until you finish the 1 full mile. And yes, I am paying the price today. My legs are screaming, "Cindy! Have you lost your mind?! What are you trying to do to us?!" Tuesday and Wednesday I am supposed to do my walk-run routine on my own and then we meet again on Thursday. Well, my step-sister and I were going to meet up tonight but luckily it rained (hoowah-ha-ha....sinister Cindy laughing). So I am just going to stretch and do crunches tonight to try and work out the pain. Then tomorrow I'll meet up with her to do my mile of 1/8's. I hope that I can overcome my shyness and being intimidated to keep going to the group runs. I just hate being thrown in the middle of a large group of new faces. It's like being a teenager all over again.

Well, my first real furniture purchase arrives this weekend. I've never owned a couch and chair of my own outside of the ole goodwill and hand me downs. Hooray! A friend at work loaned me the 1st season of Buffy, so I might have to welcome the couch into my home by some vegging in front of the tv.

I watched Swingers a few days ago. I haven't watched this movie in years....... Man it's so awesome, funny, endearing, hip, etc. And yes girls, Mr. Vince Vaughn is in it.........rerrrrrrrr (some form of cat prowl meow sound). Also, I knew that Jon Favreau (co-star opposite Vince) wrote the screenplay but did not realize that it was based on an actual break-up he had. Plus, a lot of the main dialog was actual conversations he had with Vince and some of the other guys in the film when they were all just making it in LA. John said he was told to write what you know if you don't know what else to write. Well, it worked in this case. Great movie. Plus, it's all around that whole Swing culture. Ah, I miss those days. I always wanted to be able to swing with a partner but guys look at my height and say, "Nuh-uh, I'm not swinging that tall chick in the air." I can't say that I blame them, ha.

das Alphabet

A-P
A ah
B bay
C tsay
D day
E ay
F eff
G gay
H haa
I ee
J yot
K kaa
L ell
M emm
N enn
O oh
P pay

Orgy-Porgy and all that jazz...

(Currently listening to Catherine Wheel-Chrome and letting my hot lemon tea cool.)

Well I finally finished reading Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. I felt like I was reading the equivalent of a TNT mini-series because there was so much going on. I believe Brave New World was stranger than reading George Orwell's 1984. All in all, it was good... / I picked up a cheap copy of George Orwell's Animal Farm at the Book Nook on a 36 hour trip down to Montgomery. Honestly, I have never read Animal Farm. As most of you know, I was not known for reading while growing up. In terms of Animal Farm......I've watched the animated film (which was trippy at the time) but never read the book.

I finally got around to using a Best Buy card some friends gave me as an apartment-warming gift. One thing I took from Matt is a love for films........ so I racked up on a few from my "must have movie/dvd" wishlist.
Resident Evil, Resident Evil/Apocalypse, Swingers, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, A Clockwork Orange, and the first season the The Adventures of Pete & Pete.....

While at the Book Nook over the weekend I also found a book, German for Beginners, c. 1960. Tonight I memorized alphabet pronunciation for A-G. Yeah, that's not much for one night...but I gottah take it slow on the ole brain. Go here if you would like to hear the entire German alphabet: http://german.about.com/library/anfang/blanfang_abc.htm. There was a copy of Animal Farm in German but I decided to wait on that. Hey, maybe after learning some German I can watch Run Lola Run and The Princess and the Warrior without subtitles, ha! As I learn some things I will be sure to post them here for your learning pleasure.

Phantom Menace: Well my trip to Montgomery was a pining adventure. I think on my next trip down I'm going to keep myself busy. There's a lot of things I'd like to do while visiting.....eat lunch and read at my old spot downtown-I'm sure Hank misses me, go to the art museum, go see a film at the Capri, eat at lek's or El Rey's, play frisbee at a park, so on and so on. I think cabin fever takes hold of me when I go for a visit and creates too much space for me to meditate on old feelings. Matt has really been on my mind lately......I think really what's been on my mind is this part of myself that I feel is there-when it really is not. You might have heard of amputees suffering from phantom limbs or phantom pains. Basically, it's when someone has had a limb amputated but still feel like that part of their body (that is no longer there) is still moving....they can feel their fingers curl, or feel the table underneath their arm...and in reality there is no body part there. There's also cases of pain. An amputee may feel intense pain in their leg, when in reality their leg has been amputated and what they are feeling is the pain they had before the limb was removed. It's really spooky....but it's what hit me when I thought about myself. Sometimes it feels as if Matt and I are really not apart----Sometimes it feels as if I feel pain for something that has been gone for a year now-And the worst of all is that I really feel like a part of me died (or was emotionally amputated) when I broke up with him. That Cindy that was there before is gone..........I feel dead a lot of times- -like somehow Matt still holds a part of my heart and being...... Is this becuase a part of me is really dead now? Or could it be because I devoted my heart and dreams for the future with him-and now all plans for the future are empty loop-holes? Sure, this would be the perfect time for me to take back my life and have no strings attached....but how can you take on that venture when you feel like your "being" is gone..... What's scary is that I'll be 29 in December and I feel like I am quickly running out of my youth. That youth I should be taking grasp of and having adventures with-but what adventure can you have when you don't know what's inside of yourself and what your hopes and dreams are now without that person you loved in your life? / I wish that I had people to hang out with that were into the things I am into. Sometimes I feel like I relate to guys more than girls just in terms of film and music.......but I also need those girlfriends to goof off with, have deep conversations with, and feel at home around. My issue as of late is that I worry about spending too much time with guys alone. I have never really had this issue before...... I don't believe I do anything to lead anyone on or give any signals out......but I'm not going to leave this open to possibly make friendships awkward. Because I feel like a lot of that has been happening over the past few years. -which makes me feel like a jerk with a capital J. / I'm sure things will work out for me one day. It's just hard to see that now........ so for now you'll just have to hear me complain and whine about how awful things are....hengh hengh.

Alright, enough of my rambling.
GUTE NACHT, MEIN FREUND! (Good night, my friend!)