Past Weekend:
Spent Saturday night at my Dad's. Nice little getaway from the mundane and unsocial life I lead, ha. Saturday Night Live was horrible so Dad went to bed early. And I flipped channels until I fell upon "House of 1,000 Corpses". I had wanted to see this since it was written and directed by Rob Zombie but just never thought to go out and rent it. It's basically a good 70's slasher/really weird film. Now I'll have to rent "The Devil's Rejects" to see the follow up from HO1C. I stayed up an extra hour just enough to make sure I wouldn't have any random nightmares. So I watched the replay of Fooley Cooley (FLCL) on Cartoon Network at 2am and then went to bed.
Candle Currently Burning:
Buttercream/Mint
Random Hobby:
I taught myself how to do the basic knitting stitch. I don't think I have the patience for any serious knitting projects but plan on making a simple scarf. You know how I love scarves....
Halloween:
Well, my Mobile friends don't sound like they are really pumped for Halloween, which is a real bummer for me........it's one of my favorite holidays of the year. So I decided to not go through the trouble to create a good costume like years past. I wanted to go as Lola (Run Lola Run) this year but I'll save that for another time. My department at work is dressing up, so I'll atleast get some minor costuming on this year. We're all dressing up as witches...........our department lead said that we should dress as witches since we're the payroll bi-----......uh, you get the idea. Our department has been insane.....so we thought dressing up as disgruntled witches would be fitting. I think I might end up looking like some 80's Gem or Rainbow bright doll, not on purpose...
Black witches hat, check.
Pixie-style wig-purple with black around the neckline, check.
Neon yellow and black striped tights, check.
Fake eyelashes, check.
Black fingernail polish, check.
The usual chunky Steve Madden black baby doll shoes or black and white converse, check.
I guess I'll wear my pleated black skirt that I wear to work and then I'll have to hunt down a black shirt.
If we take pictures I'll be sure to post one of my goofy self.
Latest Obsessions:
lavender Vanilla Fabric Softener
Joking about old times with my Mom over the phone
Thinking too hard
Coffee and Caramel-colored home decor
My Name is Earl on Tuesday Nights
Debating on if I'd be financially and emotionally ready to own a dog in the next year.
That nauseous feeling I get when I see highschool and college girls dressing for sexual attention.
Cream of wheat (flavored...I haven't tried it plain)
Alright, enough of my boring life.
Night.
Monday, October 24, 2005
Sunday, October 16, 2005
I dreamnt about him last night............
During the last year of us dating, we had stayed at a friends house one night. Both girlfriends asleep on the couches the two guys sat and talked late into the night. For some reason I woke up in the middle of a serious conversation. I didn't want to disturb them talking and getting in some good guy time, so I layed there trying to go back to sleep. While doing so, I heard my boyfriend saying that he was planning to propose to me within the next year.-going on about how much he cared about me and wanted to be with me. Of course my heart swelled.....to think that someone loved me so much that they were having a heart to heart with one of their best-friends about planning to propose to me.....
Well that was the first part of my dream (which was something that really happened). Then my dream turned on me........
I was going to meet up with my boyfriend. I had been out to dinner with his sister and her boyfriend. But when we finally met up with my boyfriend, he really didn't have anything to do with me. Some new girl was hanging out with the crew. She was gorgeous and slightly edgy....aspiring to one day be a model. So my boyfriend ignored me and persued this girl the rest of the night. Eventually going off with her and some other people to hang out....I was not invited.
Now this part is not true.......but it felt like one or two episodes that happened way back when. Sometimes I felt like he thought I was the greatest girl in the world. That he loved me only and that he loved me for who I was. Then sometimes it felt like if something new came along distractions came about that I was no match for in regards to competing for his attention.........that sucked. I hope I never made him feel that way.
During the last year of us dating, we had stayed at a friends house one night. Both girlfriends asleep on the couches the two guys sat and talked late into the night. For some reason I woke up in the middle of a serious conversation. I didn't want to disturb them talking and getting in some good guy time, so I layed there trying to go back to sleep. While doing so, I heard my boyfriend saying that he was planning to propose to me within the next year.-going on about how much he cared about me and wanted to be with me. Of course my heart swelled.....to think that someone loved me so much that they were having a heart to heart with one of their best-friends about planning to propose to me.....
Well that was the first part of my dream (which was something that really happened). Then my dream turned on me........
I was going to meet up with my boyfriend. I had been out to dinner with his sister and her boyfriend. But when we finally met up with my boyfriend, he really didn't have anything to do with me. Some new girl was hanging out with the crew. She was gorgeous and slightly edgy....aspiring to one day be a model. So my boyfriend ignored me and persued this girl the rest of the night. Eventually going off with her and some other people to hang out....I was not invited.
Now this part is not true.......but it felt like one or two episodes that happened way back when. Sometimes I felt like he thought I was the greatest girl in the world. That he loved me only and that he loved me for who I was. Then sometimes it felt like if something new came along distractions came about that I was no match for in regards to competing for his attention.........that sucked. I hope I never made him feel that way.
Saturday, October 15, 2005
Saturday Morning...taping the Vintage Vault since I can't get any good radio while at work......eating pizza-pretzel combos and drinking cranberry-blueberry juice.....
I ended up sleeping on the couch last night. Not sure why. I wasn't sick or anything, which is usually the time I camp out on the couch. I made it a point to catch Larry King Live last night since Linda Hamilton, actress from the first and second Terminator movies, was going to be on. My mom had watched (because she loves Larry King) and told me to try and catch it since Linda Hamilton was going to be on discussing her life-long battle with bipolar disorder. / Someone that was very close to me was dealing with things and I told this person that I believed they (and their doctor) might be misdiagnosing bipolar disorder with ADHD. / Linda made some good comments about how people who finally do find help in taking medications stop taking their medicine repeatedly. This is because when people start to feel better (which is during the 'high'/mania of the disorder, when everything is great) people stop taking their meds becuase they think they are better. Then everything starts crashing down again. Linda said that she has accepted the fact that she will probably have to take meds the rest of her life. But she stressed the belief that meds are not the answer. You shouldn't stop there. She believes in complete wellness therapy. This being that you need to take a full approach to your mental illness (which I agree with). You need to excercise, get the right amounts of rest, eat a balanced diet, nurture yourself emotionally by hobbies-counseling-or whatever, and take medication if it is needed. Meds are not the ultimate fix.....and this is where I think that person from my past fell flat. Meds don't make things crystal clear. It's not that easy. You have to take a total approach to getting better and maintaining your mental and/or emotional health. Here's a link.
http://www.completewellnessapproach.com/index.html
And a link if you are not familiar with what bipolar disorder is:
http://www.dbsalliance.org/info/bipolar.html
It will be a year and a half this December since the break-up last June. And why do I still hurt? Watched this odd movie on the Oxygen channel this morning where the two main characters reminded me of he and I way back when. I loved so hard when I finally trusted him..........and now I just don't know if I will find anyone that I will be willing (or feel is worth) me opening my heart to again. I really loved this person while being letdown again and again. And in the time also acting a fool myself. It's funny, when you read the definition of bipolar disorder from the second link above, that is pretty much how my and this guy's relationsip was from the point I first met him on a small beach in Fairhope to the time I drove away from his parents house for the last time last June. I really loved him.......it still hurts to think about it now. Maybe I'll meet the right guy soon, so that I can leave all this hurt behind. And hopefully my ex- will remember how much faith I had in him and know that he really is a good person and deserves to respect himself and have a healthy spirit and life. You were very special to me so I hope you are getting your life together, have gotten/are getting help, and getting out there on your own and doing what makes you happy.
Got a tip on some $10.00 cardigans at the Gap outlet just outside of town. So I'll be jet-setting there today. Ah, the simple things in life. Alright, time for some "getting pretty" time and to head out..... Have a good day everyone.
c
please keep praying for me...thanks
I ended up sleeping on the couch last night. Not sure why. I wasn't sick or anything, which is usually the time I camp out on the couch. I made it a point to catch Larry King Live last night since Linda Hamilton, actress from the first and second Terminator movies, was going to be on. My mom had watched (because she loves Larry King) and told me to try and catch it since Linda Hamilton was going to be on discussing her life-long battle with bipolar disorder. / Someone that was very close to me was dealing with things and I told this person that I believed they (and their doctor) might be misdiagnosing bipolar disorder with ADHD. / Linda made some good comments about how people who finally do find help in taking medications stop taking their medicine repeatedly. This is because when people start to feel better (which is during the 'high'/mania of the disorder, when everything is great) people stop taking their meds becuase they think they are better. Then everything starts crashing down again. Linda said that she has accepted the fact that she will probably have to take meds the rest of her life. But she stressed the belief that meds are not the answer. You shouldn't stop there. She believes in complete wellness therapy. This being that you need to take a full approach to your mental illness (which I agree with). You need to excercise, get the right amounts of rest, eat a balanced diet, nurture yourself emotionally by hobbies-counseling-or whatever, and take medication if it is needed. Meds are not the ultimate fix.....and this is where I think that person from my past fell flat. Meds don't make things crystal clear. It's not that easy. You have to take a total approach to getting better and maintaining your mental and/or emotional health. Here's a link.
http://www.completewellnessapproach.com/index.html
And a link if you are not familiar with what bipolar disorder is:
http://www.dbsalliance.org/info/bipolar.html
It will be a year and a half this December since the break-up last June. And why do I still hurt? Watched this odd movie on the Oxygen channel this morning where the two main characters reminded me of he and I way back when. I loved so hard when I finally trusted him..........and now I just don't know if I will find anyone that I will be willing (or feel is worth) me opening my heart to again. I really loved this person while being letdown again and again. And in the time also acting a fool myself. It's funny, when you read the definition of bipolar disorder from the second link above, that is pretty much how my and this guy's relationsip was from the point I first met him on a small beach in Fairhope to the time I drove away from his parents house for the last time last June. I really loved him.......it still hurts to think about it now. Maybe I'll meet the right guy soon, so that I can leave all this hurt behind. And hopefully my ex- will remember how much faith I had in him and know that he really is a good person and deserves to respect himself and have a healthy spirit and life. You were very special to me so I hope you are getting your life together, have gotten/are getting help, and getting out there on your own and doing what makes you happy.
Got a tip on some $10.00 cardigans at the Gap outlet just outside of town. So I'll be jet-setting there today. Ah, the simple things in life. Alright, time for some "getting pretty" time and to head out..... Have a good day everyone.
c
please keep praying for me...thanks
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Reconciling the Irreconcilable.
Eating the leftovers of last night's 'mushroom' pot pie I made and listening to Nine Inch Nails album The Fragile. I didn't have chicken to put in my pot pie so I sauteed mushrooms instead, which ended up as a pleasant savory substitute.
I visited some friends last weekend.... who ended up helping me reconcile my woes and broken-spirit. Oppressive spirits were brought out in the spotlight much to my over-analytical surprise. I just kept saying, "this is what I see or hear but it's probably just my mind playing tricks on me." I have always been one to feel there are 'unwanted' spirits/presences that hang out around us....waiting to slip up on us and latch on when we as humans fall into a 'let down' period. But when you are faced with possibly being a victim of the dark's undertow, you begin to laugh it off like it's all smoke and mirrors with you as the headliner.
Things that seemed to come about in order of appearance: Death, Nasty, Flesh, Greed (saw his face and his pleasure in waiting to give his name for a while), a shadow figure with no detailed appearance later claiming the name of Hold, and lastly a little girl-I described her as wearing a white dress (more specific which I don't believe I went into detail-white eye-lit dress with a yellow sash) curly blond hair-she didn't speak, just whistled some eery tune while making some sort of devious face. I still sit here thinking that somehow I was playing mind tricks on myself.....but when asked what I felt was possibly inside me gnawing away at myself and thoughts, these 'things' were my screw-tape letter line-up snickering while being booked and sent on their way- Away from me.....
Why am I telling you this? I have no absolute clue. I am quite embarrassed to divulge this information but I guess that since I used to be more open about speaking about the uncomfortable unseen when it used to arise via dreams or odd feelings in college, that I guess I am opening my old-self up to you for just a moment. I do think (when I am not in the middle of debating if God/faith is real anymore) that there are spirits there that aren't friendly. That seek to destroy if you allow them in....this is where they are actually the friendliest. They will be your best friend in order for you to believe that what you are feeling or doing is right. You might hear, "you know, it would be better if you weren't living. If God loved you why would he leave you here to suffer uncertainty of self? You wouldn't feel lonely, upset, angry, hurt if you were not here. And you wouldn't be such an emotional burden on your friends and family." Or you might hear, "You are already fat anyway. What's the worth of trying to lose weight. Just keep eating. It will be ok. Why waste your time when you'll never be able to look like a model or someone on tv anyway." Or, "Yeah, you really don't need anymore-you've reached your limit of sinful pleasures. But hey, you deserve a break. You deal with a lot of crap during the day. Just a little more pot -or- alcohol -or- pornography -or- sex -or- gambling (etc) won't hurt."
There's so much crap that is fed into us. It's much like the Matrix. Not the film as a whole but the actual Matrix within the film. That false reality that is fed into our minds. Putting us in this realm that makes things 'ok' just so we won't have to really deal with things-or deal with being unhappy with ourself. I'm not pointing any fingers.....I've been dealing with some of my own demons lately. Ones I created and ones that I believe showed up for the Depression/Oppression Fest that's been going on inside of me for the past few years.
I have felt so worthless lately. So lost and confused on why I am even alive. I guess this is where Death liked to sit and nurture my worries of existence and purpose. But I have felt so horrible. I have felt like much of my womanhood and "Cindy"-ness was stripped away over the past two years (or even longer than that). It's no fault of a particular person, just what I feel has happened due to circumstances and just life in general. I have felt less than a woman.......un-sexy....un-important....un-worth of commitments.....dead to God and the faith I used to hold so dear.....un-creative and artistic, so on and so on and so on.
I was driving home tonight after seeing a movie...window down...NIN playing.....arm out of the car window rising and falling with the wind's currents....and just realized how alone I have felt my whole life. How odd and obscure I feel that I can be. How segmented I can feel from my family. How irregular I feel to the normal female a male would want to be with. It could be that this is because of how I had to survive as an individual-emotional-being dealing with my family growing up. Not sure. I'm not trying to be self-centered by saying all this. Like I'm something special compared to others-because everyone is special. and I'm not fishing for praise and comments...because I don't want that. I guess these things are coming out because maybe other people need to know that they are not an oddball if they feel completely obscure. The way you look on the outside is no scale of how obscure you might feel inside. Whoever you are reading this; thinking that you are worthless because you feel so odd and out of the norm.....don't lose heart.
And friends don't lose heart if I haven't spoken to you in a while. I have just been so beside myself in confusion that I haven't turned on my computer in a long while. I just haven't had any words to explain how I have been feeling inside, so I haven't felt like blogging. Or like giving advice, sorry K. --Just when you needed someone to listen I was hit hard with this overlaod of emotional and spiritual numbness over the past few weeks. I apologize for that, but I'm sure you've been there and understand where I'm coming from .
To all my friends reading this: If you need me to pray for you or just need some advice (like I should be giving any, ha!), feel free to email me. If you have a lot on your mind that you need to share with someone, feel free to chat with me online if you see me on yahoo or via email. Now I'm not one who can take too much information in at one time.......I go on overload and go on the fritz......just be patient. Give me a little peice of what's going on that you need to talk out with someone, we can talk about it, and then move on to the next issue. I'm not saying I have any of the answers...but sometimes it just feels better to know that someone is listening to you.
Alright, enough jibber jabber.......off to blog reading i go.......night.
cindy
Random Happity-do-dah info to brighten this gloomy post:
Current TV Favorites:
The Family Guy
Fooley Cooley
America's Next Top Model
Anderson Cooper on CNN (HA!-he's a cutey puh-tooty as Rosie would say)
Random medical mystery documentaries on TLC and Discovery
Recent Used CD Purchases:
Nada Surf - High/Low
The Prayer Chain - Antarctica
Fine China - The Jaws of Life
Bjork - Post
Last movie scene in the theater and at home:
Two for the Money
The Nightmare Before Christmas
Latest Eats:
Mushroom Pot pie
Romaine Lettuce, almond slivers, manderin orange slices, and raspberry/poppyseed vinagrette
Chocolate and White Chocolate Chip cookies with milk
Great Expectations:
Sweaters
Fall
Watching more movies....Unleashed, Doom, Domino, Elizabethtown, Aion Flux, Narnia, Stay, Wallace and Grommit....
Pumpkin Pie
I visited some friends last weekend.... who ended up helping me reconcile my woes and broken-spirit. Oppressive spirits were brought out in the spotlight much to my over-analytical surprise. I just kept saying, "this is what I see or hear but it's probably just my mind playing tricks on me." I have always been one to feel there are 'unwanted' spirits/presences that hang out around us....waiting to slip up on us and latch on when we as humans fall into a 'let down' period. But when you are faced with possibly being a victim of the dark's undertow, you begin to laugh it off like it's all smoke and mirrors with you as the headliner.
Things that seemed to come about in order of appearance: Death, Nasty, Flesh, Greed (saw his face and his pleasure in waiting to give his name for a while), a shadow figure with no detailed appearance later claiming the name of Hold, and lastly a little girl-I described her as wearing a white dress (more specific which I don't believe I went into detail-white eye-lit dress with a yellow sash) curly blond hair-she didn't speak, just whistled some eery tune while making some sort of devious face. I still sit here thinking that somehow I was playing mind tricks on myself.....but when asked what I felt was possibly inside me gnawing away at myself and thoughts, these 'things' were my screw-tape letter line-up snickering while being booked and sent on their way- Away from me.....
Why am I telling you this? I have no absolute clue. I am quite embarrassed to divulge this information but I guess that since I used to be more open about speaking about the uncomfortable unseen when it used to arise via dreams or odd feelings in college, that I guess I am opening my old-self up to you for just a moment. I do think (when I am not in the middle of debating if God/faith is real anymore) that there are spirits there that aren't friendly. That seek to destroy if you allow them in....this is where they are actually the friendliest. They will be your best friend in order for you to believe that what you are feeling or doing is right. You might hear, "you know, it would be better if you weren't living. If God loved you why would he leave you here to suffer uncertainty of self? You wouldn't feel lonely, upset, angry, hurt if you were not here. And you wouldn't be such an emotional burden on your friends and family." Or you might hear, "You are already fat anyway. What's the worth of trying to lose weight. Just keep eating. It will be ok. Why waste your time when you'll never be able to look like a model or someone on tv anyway." Or, "Yeah, you really don't need anymore-you've reached your limit of sinful pleasures. But hey, you deserve a break. You deal with a lot of crap during the day. Just a little more pot -or- alcohol -or- pornography -or- sex -or- gambling (etc) won't hurt."
There's so much crap that is fed into us. It's much like the Matrix. Not the film as a whole but the actual Matrix within the film. That false reality that is fed into our minds. Putting us in this realm that makes things 'ok' just so we won't have to really deal with things-or deal with being unhappy with ourself. I'm not pointing any fingers.....I've been dealing with some of my own demons lately. Ones I created and ones that I believe showed up for the Depression/Oppression Fest that's been going on inside of me for the past few years.
I have felt so worthless lately. So lost and confused on why I am even alive. I guess this is where Death liked to sit and nurture my worries of existence and purpose. But I have felt so horrible. I have felt like much of my womanhood and "Cindy"-ness was stripped away over the past two years (or even longer than that). It's no fault of a particular person, just what I feel has happened due to circumstances and just life in general. I have felt less than a woman.......un-sexy....un-important....un-worth of commitments.....dead to God and the faith I used to hold so dear.....un-creative and artistic, so on and so on and so on.
I was driving home tonight after seeing a movie...window down...NIN playing.....arm out of the car window rising and falling with the wind's currents....and just realized how alone I have felt my whole life. How odd and obscure I feel that I can be. How segmented I can feel from my family. How irregular I feel to the normal female a male would want to be with. It could be that this is because of how I had to survive as an individual-emotional-being dealing with my family growing up. Not sure. I'm not trying to be self-centered by saying all this. Like I'm something special compared to others-because everyone is special. and I'm not fishing for praise and comments...because I don't want that. I guess these things are coming out because maybe other people need to know that they are not an oddball if they feel completely obscure. The way you look on the outside is no scale of how obscure you might feel inside. Whoever you are reading this; thinking that you are worthless because you feel so odd and out of the norm.....don't lose heart.
And friends don't lose heart if I haven't spoken to you in a while. I have just been so beside myself in confusion that I haven't turned on my computer in a long while. I just haven't had any words to explain how I have been feeling inside, so I haven't felt like blogging. Or like giving advice, sorry K. --Just when you needed someone to listen I was hit hard with this overlaod of emotional and spiritual numbness over the past few weeks. I apologize for that, but I'm sure you've been there and understand where I'm coming from
To all my friends reading this: If you need me to pray for you or just need some advice (like I should be giving any, ha!), feel free to email me. If you have a lot on your mind that you need to share with someone, feel free to chat with me online if you see me on yahoo or via email. Now I'm not one who can take too much information in at one time.......I go on overload and go on the fritz......just be patient. Give me a little peice of what's going on that you need to talk out with someone, we can talk about it, and then move on to the next issue. I'm not saying I have any of the answers...but sometimes it just feels better to know that someone is listening to you.
Alright, enough jibber jabber.......off to blog reading i go.......night.
cindy
Random Happity-do-dah info to brighten this gloomy post:
Current TV Favorites:
The Family Guy
Fooley Cooley
America's Next Top Model
Anderson Cooper on CNN (HA!-he's a cutey puh-tooty as Rosie would say)
Random medical mystery documentaries on TLC and Discovery
Recent Used CD Purchases:
Nada Surf - High/Low
The Prayer Chain - Antarctica
Fine China - The Jaws of Life
Bjork - Post
Last movie scene in the theater and at home:
Two for the Money
The Nightmare Before Christmas
Latest Eats:
Mushroom Pot pie
Romaine Lettuce, almond slivers, manderin orange slices, and raspberry/poppyseed vinagrette
Chocolate and White Chocolate Chip cookies with milk
Great Expectations:
Sweaters
Fall
Watching more movies....Unleashed, Doom, Domino, Elizabethtown, Aion Flux, Narnia, Stay, Wallace and Grommit....
Pumpkin Pie