thinking, breathing, listening, feeling, sighing, holding, wishing, remembering, shrugging, loving, doubting, stretching, pausing, cowering, hearing, crying, hugging, missing, binding, freeing, arching, turning, losing, hoping, coughing, fearing, kissing, wondering, wandering hopefully somewhere some day...........
goodnight, cindy ann

the sky is grey
the sand is grey
and the ocean is grey

and i feel right at home
in this stunning monochrome
alone in my way

i smoke and i drink
and every time i blink
i have a tiny dream

but as bad as i am
i'm proud of the fact
that i'm worse than i seem

what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still i want more
maybe some tiny shiny key
will wash up on the shore

you walk through my walls
like a ghost on tv
you penetrate me

and my little pink heart
is on its little brown raft
floating out to sea

and what can i say
but i'm wired this way
and you're wired to me

and what can i do
but wallow in you
unintentionally
what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still i want more
maybe some tiny shiny key
will wash up on the shore

regretfully
i guess i've only got
three simple things to say:
why me?
why this now?
why this way?
with overtones ringing
and undertows pulling away
under a sky that is grey
on sand that is grey
by an ocean that's grey

what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want
and still i want more
maybe some tiny shiny key
will wash up on the shore
-grey
by ms. ani difranco

It's a Beautiful Day!!!!!!

I can hardly believe it but around this time tomorrow night I am going to be standing amongst thousands waiting for U2 to take the stage!!!!!!!! I have been waiting for this day since I was a little girl and listening to their album (at that time 'record') Boy. I didn't want to post this too soon on my blog since I was expecting the big letdown that usually occurs when I get my hopes up.........

I was supposed to have this Monday off from work, just to relax, but my brother in GA called me over the weekend and told me to switch my off-day to tomorrow......... The only time he calls me is when he needs a favor..........but this time it was different. He called to say that as my birthday/Christmas gift he had gotten me a ticket to see U2 in Atlanta on the 18th. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (this is how I sounded inside) I couldn't believe it. Both of the ATL shows have been sold out since the tickets went on sale. After much debating I decided to call my friend Docia to see if she wanted to go with me. I wanted her to go with me since our attempt to go to the POP tour didn't work out. I had a double ear infection and sinus infection at the time. The doctor told me that if I went, it was so bad that my eardrum(s) would most likely pop (hengh hengh, POP tour...funny). Docia and I listened to U2 all through college.........so she just would have to be there with me screaming, "Bono, we love you!", like silly little Irish girls.

I still can't believe it. I'm so excited........ I will fill you in on the details after this weekend.

AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

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Here you go D. I don't have a digital camera so I'll have to bootleg it (ie., scrap of paper, pen, and scanner). -flashing a sly grin-

These tresses are a messes.......

Yikes! I went to get my haircut and the girl got a little scissor happy. I knew she'd have to cut off 1-2 inches since I hadn't had my hair trimmed in like three months......but man. O'well.......I'll get over it. It's probably not as short as it feels.

Some of my favorite girly feel-good movies are on tv today....... She's All That and 10 Things I Hate About You.

Time to get out of my cocoon de casa for some coffee and sketching- something I rarely do anymore. And time for a template change (snaps fingers and blog goes from white to black).

Recent Purchase and Constant Listen: Sigur Ros - Takk...

"I will not take these things for granted...."

So it was late last night (way past my bedtime) so I set the VCR to record the remainder of 'Vanilla Sky'.

Then the end to a horrible/self-esteem kicking week of work closed out..........so after some retail therapy this evening, I curled up on the couch with my blanket and finished the movie.

Some thoughts............don't take people for granted, especially the ones you feel a deep love for. So many times we as 'humans' choose to experience something fleeting (drugs, being with someone else, selfishness, work, etc.) over the person we truly love. And sometimes, as said in the movie, you have to face the consequences of your actions. Tom Cruise's character made one fatal choice, despite his love for someone, that changed everything. After this twist of life-changing fate-Instead of getting his act together and trying to rebuild what he once had, he took another course of action -death (which you could say either ended a love that he could have regained, or you could say it needed to happen in order for him to one day down the road 'choose life' and what it really had to bring.)

It's sad to think about the moments I have missed sharing with people or having for myself because I was at the moment so caught up with 'me'. A good example of this is when Matt's highschool friend was going to be playing at a bar in Montgomery one night. For some reason I was petrified of going inside (low self-esteem)...........I totally felt like crap and really worthless...........I had let things that had happened overshadow who I thought I was and the kind of person "I" wanted to be........and had allowed others' mistakes to screw up my perception of myself and my own self-value. Because of that fear of going inside, I kept my boyfriend from seeing his old friend. I totally had a panic attack outside and wanted to walk home the ten or so miles back to my house. I still think about that and feel sorry for the way I acted. I felt like I screwed up that night.....

People, don't take anyone for granted..........treat them well with respect if you truly care for them......keep their feelings to heart.........and most importantly , respect yourself. We only have one life here on earth.........time is precious.....it can't be turned back. So spend your days, starting right now at this very moment, loving and respecting yourself - getting your life moving in the direction you want it to go - making amends with friends or family that you have hurt - taking time out to just sit for a moment and be cool with who you are - and take to heart the people that you deeply love. Life is fragile and so are hearts. So treat yourself and others well.........
If my Aunt Sylvia were here today she would probably put it like this, "Don't treat yourself or other's like s**t."
I love you Aunt Sib!
night,
c

Watching 'Vanilla Sky' on Bravo. I haven't seen this movie since a friend's place in Montgomery back in 2001. I've been thinking a lot about those days........missing certain things, people, places, memories........ been dreaming a lot lately...........and actually remembering the dreams the following day. Just a lot on my mind and a lot of things to serve as reminders popping up here and there.

Off to bed for more dreams to take hold. Good night.

How many Surrealist painters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?.......The fish!

It was just over four years ago when I made my move to Montgomery (2001). And now just over four years later I am sitting here in "the B-ham" under much different circumstances. That first year in Montgomery was really hard for me. It was a time of loneliness and awkwardness too. So what did I do? I went out and bought a beta fish. I had decided that outside of my houseplant "Geraldine" (coffee plant who has since gone to that big "garden in the sky"), I needed more life in my little apartment. So Dekooning (the fish) became a part of my surroundings. It’s funny to see the look on people’s faces when I tell them that I’ve had Dekooning for four years. I guess most people’s beta fish don’t make it past a year or two. And to think that I almost killed him in the first few weeks of bringing him home. (Make sure you mix the correct quantity of ‘stress coat’ to water, folks.) Then a few months later (2002), Dekooning was stricken with a medium case of the ick. Which left his fins lackluster and frazzled. Then in early 2005, he suffered ‘pop-eye’. I think that was the worst of all.

I had gotten concerned over the past few weeks because I had noticed that Dekooning’s under-side had turned silver. I guess this is the version of gray hair in the fish world. Plus, Dekooning has been sleeping a lot more than usual. But luckily he’s been eating well, and still responds to my odd Cindy-tunes I sing to him during his food time. Here’s today’s tune. "Dekooning, you’re the coolest fish in the world. I don’t even know if you’re a guy or a girl. Ooooh ooohh, but you rock my world." Yeah, I know……I’m silly.

Yes, I hate to admit it. But I will be sad, maybe even devastated, when old Dekooning passes away. He’s been a good fish and a good friend. He’s been through the past four years of ups and downs without a ‘gurgle’ of complaint or ridicule. So here’s a shout out for Dekooning, the coolest fish in the world.

Etc.

Food: Roly Poly #30 Basil Cashew Chicken, yum!

Used CD Finds:
I have been really lucky with my recent used cd finds. Here's some excellant albums I fell upon at the old reliable CD Warehouse on Airport Blvd, Mobile AL during my recent vay-cay. (note to the readers: Your best cd finds will be in college towns. Cindy cd shopping rule of thumb 101: Where there lyes poor college student in dire need of funds, thou wilst find excellant traded in cds!)
+Bon Voyage, The Right Amount (2002)
+k's Choice, Cocoon Crash (1996)
+Ride, Going Blank Again (1992)
-I also snagged Johnny Cash, 16 Biggest Hits since it was $7.50 at Walmart.

Beverage:
Snagged some "Pumpkin Spice" coffee from Carpe Diem. My apartment smelled like that familiar front porch that I was sitting on a few days ago when I brewed some coffee this morning....ah.

Who was I, Who am I, and Who will I become:
A friend serenaded me my first hang out night in Mobile. She had to run karioke at a Daphne bar, so three of us plus one guy equaled Charlie's Angels and Charlie for our Halloween costumes. She had asked me earlier if I still listen to the Cranberries. I said not so much as a lot of the Cranberries albums pain my heart. So she asked if "Zombie" is painful, I said no. So in the middle of Karioke, she got the mic and said that she wanted to dedicate a song to a good friend and so on. And then the intro chords to "Zombie" came on. It was an amazing moment. Everyone was belting out the song. She was singing to me like she was trying to tell me that I would be ok. And I was singing along, pumping my fist in the air, and holding back the tears that had built up in my eyes. It's like this whole view of myself when i was in Mobile up to who I am now flashed before me. It was really an amazing acknowledgement from a good friend..............thanks.

Happy Halloween everyone!!!!! Uh, yeah...I know it's already November but I still wanted to get some Halloween pics up. My department at work (Payroll) decided to have a break from the hum-drum and have a Halloween party at work. Three of us planned games for the group to play, everyone brought tons of food (I brought spinach dip), and we sported our best witchly attitude. I won the costume contest....which I think T in the back row left side should have won. I think the only way I won is because of the way I acted. We thought that we would just stand there, but no...our judges wanted us to turn the corner and walk a runway type distance. So what did I do to overcome the awkwardness? I did this over the top Tyra Banks supermodel walk, hands on hips, a few turns, and a pose at the end with a real serious punk-model expression on my face. I even cracked myself up at how good it was. After finding out that I won they ofcourse made me do the walk again.....good times. It was a really fun time for all of us and a good stress relief from work. Here's some pics, enjoy!
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Amy and I (left).

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