Scarf #2

Here is scarf #2. This one was completed in roughly two weeks. From a pattern, it starts with a 21 stitch chain. Then you alternate single and double crochet making sure the last stitch before turning is a double crochet. It has a cool effect due to the little holes (seen in lamp picture). The color is #200 Gray Mist by "I Love This Yarn" from Hobby Lobby.

Adventures in Crocheting

Wow, it's been forever since I've posted anything. I'm doing good. The medicine is doing the trick and the counselor agrees I should keep on 10mg since I seem to be having such a good response to it. Friends and co-workers have seen a real improvement. I haven't had an emotional break down since September. I can still be a crier but it takes a lot to tip me off now. Work is going well. I can't imagine what I would have been like at work if I had not finally tried medication.

Not running as much still. I run 2-3 two-three milers a week. But I have gotten back on to doing my leg exercises. I do those three times a week along with crunches. Determined to get some kick butt abs going.

I've started learning how to crochet with some fellow running girls. I'm excited. Here's my first finished project. I made the scarf way too wide, so the girl teaching us suggested that I stitch it together to make a cowl neck scarf.

One Month Down

So it's been just over a month since I started Lexapro. I was so afraid of being on medication but now my opinion has changed. This is a personal opinion for myself. Everyone is different. I am not saying that Lexapro is a wonder drug that everyone should jump on just because they are down and out. But I've tried overcoming my sadness for years (felt like this since I was 12 years old and been trying to do something about it for the past 8 years) and I finally gave it to God on the medication debate. I asked a few co-workers (one of which started Lexapro a month before me) to keep an eye out for me and let me know any pros or cons in my behaviour. And what they told me is that they could tell a difference in just week 2 of me taking the medicine. They say after two weeks you will start seeing improvement and after 4 weeks you get the full benefits. But everyone has told me that after just 1.5-2 weeks the change was extremely positive. And this is just from taking the lowest dosage of 1mg!!! I have no idea if I need to take Lexapro permanently. I guess that is something I need to talk over with my counselor during my next visit. Plus, my first prescription through my gynecologist is for 3 months. So I guess next month I'll need to find out if I should go through the gynecologist or a family doctor in order to continue using the medication.

Here is a quick run down of pros and cons I and others have seen from me being on Lexapro:
CON: okay so only one con. This is the only side effect I've had after the first week of getting my body used to the medicine.
-I go to the restroom more (or tinkle to be exact). The drug info states that Lexapro can lower your sodium level. And we all know that sodium helps you retain water. So on some days I seem to make more trips to the restroom than usual. But it's nothing major. It's just some days I can tell that I have to go more frequently. The only time that is constant is I have to wake up in the middle of the night (usually around 3am) and make a trip to the restroom. Before, when I did finally fall asleep, I wouldn't go to the restroom again until the morning. So I count this con as a small one. It just gives me more of a reason to eat bad for you salty foods. ha

PRO:
-I'm a lot funnier. I was silly and goofy before. But now it's like I'm more comfortable with being funny.
-I feel comfortable in my skin. I feel good about who I am and being okay with myself.
-I SLEEP!!!! Oh my goodness, that has been the most positive change of them all. My immediate family is known for being the night owl type. Late night seems to be the time when our brains kick in. I have the hardest time falling asleep. Sometimes I will lay down and toss and turn awake until 3:30am when I finally fall asleep. Even when I do fall asleep at a decent time like 11:30pm, I have the hardest time getting up in the morning. I used to run off of 5-6.5 hours of sleep. This year I finally got it down to 7 hours with every couple of weeks doing the 4-5.5 hours restless night thing. But now it's a whole new world. Lexapro doesn't make me tired per se. But I guess it cuts off the edge of anxiety that would put my mind into overdrive and not allow me to sleep. Now I get to sleep any time between 11pm-11:15pm. Sleep through the night. If I do wake up to use the restroom, I fall asleep shortly after laying back down. Then I wake up refreshed at 6:15am. Getting sleep for over a month now has been amazing!!!
-I actually want to be creative again. I've been thinking about painting the past week or so. So I may have to pick that back up again and see if the medicine has helped to reopen that door of thought again.
-I am less stressed. I have a pretty stressful job at work. 4 months ago I was given the duty of waging employees' paychecks. Well, needless to say the person that was doing the job before was doing a bad job so management wanted to move me into the job. It has been a really rocky time. So add on the fact that I emotionally go up and down on a weekly basis would lead me into a meltdown (at work sometimes) on a weekly basis. Finally getting things in order and fixing the past persons mistakes has helped but Lexapro has really made a difference. I haven't had a meltdown in a month and I don't let the stress get to me anymore. I am much more efficient and organized at work. I was already known for being an organized good worker but now I don't have to work at it.....it just comes naturally. And I actually enjoy what I do at work now.
-My OCD has gotten better. Yep, I realize I have some minor issues. Most of which are stemmed from things growing up. Here are the things I do......check locks several times after locking a door, checking stove/oven/iron/dryer often because I can't remember or don't believe I've turned them off, check candles frequently bc I don't believe I blew them out, reread letters i write to people bc i think i've written something crazy (yes, that one is crazy that just started a year ago....really embarrassing to admit this one but it really is pretty funny), and so on and so forth. Lexapro has helped with this.......including that I am forcing myself to check things once and then let it go. I was no way near the intensity or frequency of someone that really has OCD but it was starting to get a little annoying.
-I enjoy life more.

-I let things go that bug me.

-I see the positive more often than the negative.

-I feel like there is a future for me and that I deserve good things.

-I am more comfortable talking with people and take an effort to be more extroverted.

So that's me in a nutshell the past month. I'll keep you posted on how the next month goes. Thanks for all your prayers. And hopefully me posting my experiences will help someone else that may be dealing with the same uncertainty.

Lexapro, Smeckzapro.

So I've been on my medication (Lexapro-10 mg) since last Friday. So that's just over a week. I've asked a couple of people I work with (and trust-one started Lexapro a month ago), a couple of friends, and Jason to keep an eye on me. I'm just curious to see if anyone sees a change either it be good or bad. They say it takes 1-2 weeks to feel a benefit from the drug and 4 weeks to get the full benefit. One of my co-workers said they could already see an improvement in my attitude and humor in the first week. But I am the type of person that usually has high peaks of happy times and then can hit rock bottom soon after. So I could just be on the upside of my usual mood swing. Everyone I have told has been very supportive. And I am learning that more and more people take anti-depressant and/or anxiety medicine that I trust and look up to.

Last weekend was a super sleepy weekend. I'm taking the meds at night since my co-worker said it makes her sleepy. And she was right. But I'm doing something I don't usually do, which is waking up around 2am or 3am for a potty break. Now, I'm a horrible sleeper since I'm a night owl. But once I fall asleep....that is it. I don't wake up until it's time to get up. So the nightly trips have been a bit annoying. It seems like my appetite has increased a bit. I'm already a big eater/snacker from running. But my snacks don't seem to be lasting as long as before. I've seemed to be more of a comedian lately....and not really caring what people think. But not in the numb way that most people say prozac or zoloft can make you feel.

We'll see. I've had several people tell me that they think my issues are not just from all the drama I was raised in but also a chemical thing. So even though I was very scared of starting a medication routine before, I'll finally get to answer the question on if my issue is truly outside of my control and medication can help to level me out in a healthy way.

Jumping Down the Rabbit Hole

I'll tell Morpheus "hello" for you. Tomorrow begins Day 1 outside of the Matrix.

Becoming A Statistic

So the only thing that was productive during today's counseling session were my tear ducts. I cry every visit.....but what's new? ha. During my last visit we got through a couple of old haunts that I don't talk about from childhood. I felt relieved to get some stuff off my chest. But today was a mishmash of "I don't knows." "I haven't really felt anything emotional in years." "Define love and I'll tell you if I feel it." "God? He's there but I'm numb to it all." I don't know if I was able to answer any questions with a confident answer. I've felt this way for years. Since I was a pre-teen up through my twenty's I was very emotional and depressed. Then I got to my thirty's and it's like all feeling is gone. I'm just going through the motions of how a thirty-two year old female should go about life with no opinion towards anything. Just blah blah blah. That's how I've felt for the past 3 years.

So today my counselor and I finally talked medication. It's a subject I've tried to ignore for years. Back in 2001 I finally decided to try and do something about my emotions. First on the list was getting on birth control to help with my extreme irregularness and mood swings. I thought it was a hormonal thing. Although it has helped me physically it has not helped me emotionally. Then in 2006 I decided to try exercise. Exercise is supposed to help with depression, right? In 2008 I decided to try and eat healthier. This year my ob-gyn decided to try me on a birth control that helps with PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder). I saw him in May and lied that it was helping. Well, it is helping in the fact that I can tell the day when my pms begins but in the long run it hasn't fixed the problem. So I finally committed to going to a counselor with Jason for some pre-marital counseling. After two visits, the counselor focused on me (bum, bum, bum, enter scary dramatic music here). This is what I feared. My last counseling experience back in 2003 wasn't really helpful. I was so wrapped up in an unhealthy dating relationship I couldn't focus on my real issues.

So I've seen the counselor 5 times now and we finally discussed my taboo........anti-depressants. I've gone through a checklist of possible cures over the past 8 years and it's finally time to try medicine. I hate that. I don't want to feel like I'm weak. I worry it will work and I'll be on it for a while (like I don't control myself). I worry that it won't work and I'll be left wondering what my problem is. I've prayed about the meds things for a while. The only way I feel okay about it is to view the issue like any other medical condition. I know people that take meds to control diabetes, high blood pressure, cholesterol, etc. So I'll be taking meds for my own personal medical condition. But I hate becoming a statistic. So many people take anti-depressants that don't necessarily need them. I wonder if I even need them. But I'm at the end of my checklist and the box beside "meds" is still open. Guess I'll slap a check-mark in it and call it a day. Wish me luck.

You've Lost that Loving Feeling

Here's one little photo from mine and Jason's trip to Washington D.C. This was in Georgetown at a park beside the Potomac River. And that is a yummy half eaten pistachio tart! It was a much needed trip. Ofcourse, I could have been a happier person but I did get some de-stressing done. It's been a tough couple of months. I've rolled into this wave of "down in the dumps" again. Jason has been very sweet and understanding. We've attempted some counseling which has quickly after two meetings turned solely into "cindy counseling". Yep, I'm the messed up one. How would you guess?! ha I've pretty much gotten to this point where I really have no clue who I am anymore. I had such a strong sense of self in my early twenties, then I had 8 years of a relationship that drained a lot out of me, then I was left in mourning for years (and dreams that still haunt me to this day...had one just last night), and now I'm looking at myself asking "who in the world are you? why are you so caught up on who you used to be? be a new creation, it's ok to become someone new." But it's so hard. I'm at this point where I just feel lost and broken. I just need relief......I've been dealing with these feelings since I was around 12 years old.

I read some of my old posts from back in 2004. Rough stuff. That was such a dark time. I had to be so strong and stick to my guns. I rarely left my apartment except to go to the Ronish's house or out of town. How sad.

If you get a chance give God a little shout out for me. Church was awesome tonight and I really felt like God was talking through the sermon. I felt His love. Every day is a struggle. I will overcome these feelings. Just gottah keep keepin' on.

Love you guys.

-c

Happy Independence Day

Happy Independence Day Everyone!!!! It's been a while since I've posted. Lots of self-evaluation going on and been out of town for a wedding/trip to Washington D.C. Hope you are all doing well. As you can see in this pic (Jason, brother Jamie, and sister-in-law Pam), the family that plays together stays together. ROCK!!!

And How Does That Make You Feel?

Everyone needs counseling at some point:

Michel Gondry

Michel Gondry is the man.  He is such a creative director.  If you've seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.  You've seen just a glimpse of his coolness.

He has directed several music videos that I love.  It's so hard to pick just one.  Here's a list of favs with a few of the videos posted below.

Chemical Brothers:  Let Forever Be

Radiohead:  Knives Out

Daft Punk:  Around the World

Foo Fighters:  Everlong

Bjork:  Bachelorette, Hyper-Ballad, Army of Me, Human Behaviour

Cibo Mato:  Sugar Water

Love the choreography in this vid.

I love everything about this one. Would've loved to work on the set design.

Beautiful song meets beautiful video.

The first time I witnessed the crazy and kwirky duo Cibo Mato (you got to know your chicken!)

Cibo Matto- Sugar Water [PV]
by skanel

Music Videos

Something random to do over the next week or so.......going to post some of my favorite music videos.  Sure, there are a ton of favorite songs.....but these are strictly videos that make me drool or make me feel creative.  Oh, how I miss music videos.  Darn you reality shows on MTV and VH1!!!

Ok, this is a raw one but I love it.  The first Tool video I ever saw.  I'll go ahead and throw a second video in to ease up the mood.  Beastie Boys as directed by Spike Jonze.  :)

Bummed

So I'm feeling kind of down tonight.  Jason and I have made some new friends over the past two months.  They are amazing people and I have been so giddy about getting to know them.  It's been years since I've felt this way and feel so comfortable about getting involved in each others' lives.  It was definitely meant to be that we met them.  But a recent turn of events means they will most likely be moving.  Yes, I'm selfish and want them here but I want the best for them.  So say a little prayer that my friends will be blessed with an awesome opportunity.  They deserve it.

Becomingly bummed,

cindy

Be a Kid!

One of my favorite things to do as a child was play in the woods.  I've never been on an official hiking trip (other than hashing on trails) but I went for the first time this weekend.  And it was awesome!  We didn't do anything fancy.  Just a 1-mile trail at Ruffner Mountain with some awesome friends/parents and their kids.  You really forget how amazing God's creation is until you get outside.  Plus, in a generation that has pretty much become "stand off'ish", you forget what it is really like to have relationships with people.  And hiking lets you form those relationships.  Nothing is cooler than coming up with crazy stories and songs while hiking.  I really thought that with age your imagination disappears until i was out in the woods walking along with the crew this Saturday.

So get outside!  Enjoy the earth.  And enjoy others company.  It's a good cure for the blues and makes for some good stories.

Going Organic, well...partially.

Another goal for this past year was to start eating organic.  I've been an avid fan of the show Jon & Kate Plus 8.  Once the sextuplets came along Jon & Kate decided that they wanted to feed their children the healthiest foods.  So they switched to an organic diet.  Now, going all organic is a pricey bill to pay these days.  So I decided that I would purchase 40% organic each time I go grocery shopping.  At first I was scared that all of my grocery money would be gone as soon as I got paid.  Then I'd be left starving or eating junk until the next pay day.  But after my first two trips of really looking at what organic items are out there and becoming familiar with things, it became quite easy.

If you are interested in going organic but are overwhelmed with the prospect just do a little at a time.  Replace one everyday item with it's organic version.  Most of the 40% organic I buy are the staples such as milk, eggs, cereal, canned veggies, meat, bread, cookies, crackers, granola bars, canned soup, etc.  And just because you eat organic doesn't mean you have to be a food snob.  I still eat regular ole food, eat out at restaurants, and enjoy fast food.  But I can tell a difference in my health since going semi-organic.  Plus, I feel like I am helping the earth and the farmers that are really getting in there and trying to get things back to the basics.  And Eden-like mentality, I guess.

Here are just a few things you might find in my kitchen:

Kashi Cereal-Cinnamon Harvest and Island Vanilla shredded wheat

Cascadian Farms cereal, granola bars, frozen fruits/veggies.

Horizon or Organic Valley milk

Horizon or Stonyfield yogurt

Greenwise Publix brand Maple Brown Sugar instant oatmeal, canned veggies

Wolfgang Puck canned soups

Kraft mac-n-cheese (yep, they make organic)

Paul Newman salad dressing, cookies (Ginger O's!!!)

Amy's frozen meals

Buy Me That Useless Piece of Plastic!

After stowing away tons of plastic shopping bags after grocery store visits only to lug them back to the store's recycling bin, I realized that I didn't need them.  Sure you can use a plastic bag to line your bathroom trash bin.  But other than that, what is the use?  (Well, other than holding your flour as you lay a hash trail.)  So I decided to purchase canvas bags.  You can fit as many groceries in one canvas bag as you would in 3-4 plastic bags.  Plus, if you are like me and live on a third floor apartment it is so much easier to lug everything upstairs in sturdy canvas bags.

I also realized how many plastic sandwich bags I use (since I bring my lunch to work 80% of the time).  Where do those little baggies go?  And how long does it take for them to break down in a landfill? So I decided to go out and purchase some gladware plastic containers to use instead! Thanks to the many shapes and sizes that they come in these reusable containers can hold your afternoon snack, sandwich, cereal, etc.

And to explain the title of this blog.  This is from one of my favorite stand-up comic shows.

Earth Week

Happy Earth Week!  Earth Day is this Wednesday.  So to celebrate I'll be posting a few photos or tips from my little world o' Cindar.  Over the past year and a half I have tried to find ways to not be as wasteful and help the earth.  Being green or eco-friendly isn't some left-wing hippie-dippy mumbo-jumbo.  It can be a Christian thing to do, too.  Being a creative person, I've been seeing the earth in a different light.  God being the ultimate artist and creator I feel that it's important to respect his creation.  How would I feel if someone came up to one of my paintings and totally trashed it?!

I may not be the best eco-friendly example but every little thing counts.

God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. God blessed them; and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over every living thing that moves on the earth."  Then God said, "Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the surface of all the earth, and every tree which has fruit yielding seed; it shall be food for you; and to every beast of the earth and to every bird of the sky and to every thing that moves on the earth which has life, I have given every green plant for food"; and it was so.  God saw all that He had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day.

-Genesis 1:27-31

Unfinished Business

A lot of my twenties felt unfinished.  Threads left hanging, holes to peek through, fuzzy memories of happy days.  This painting was intended to be a come back after the serious relationship I was in fell apart.  But I just never got around to finishing it.  I guess drama is what drove my creativity.  That and an extremely strong bond to the Trinity.  I'm in my 30s now.  What to do...what to do...with this soul of mine at this point?  We'll see.  I'm not putting pressure on myself to get my creative self back together again.  It will happen.  But darn.....I look at unfinished things in my life be it a piece of art like this one, my good intentions, spirituality and sometimes have to pat myself on my back and say, "Dang, Cindy.  You were pretty good at this 'life' thing."

Camera Ready

The weather has been so nice here.  I had a case of cabin fever and decided to get out last week.  So I nabbed a latte and took my little digi-camera to the park.  Nothing fancy......just random shots while walking around.  I really miss my "real-film" camera for these types of outings.  I'll need to make it my mission to see how much $ it will take to get the shutter issue fixed.  I've let the issue go for years now..........and it's time to get back out taking photos, listening to some tunes, black & white film, etc.

Keep it Going.

I was a good Cindar and went out for my 18 minutes of running today. (18 min. is a guestimate that hopefully equals the 1.5 miles I'm supposed to be running).  

After work I had to zip home to change since I didn't pack my running bag this morning.  It's oh-so tempting to just hit the couch once I get home from work.  But I was good and got out for my continual "hammie recovery" runs.  Andy wasn't much help, though.  He was too spent from one of his "silver mylar pillow" parties last night and decided to crash at the car while I was out running.

Are You?!

Hopefully, the rain will hold off.  Victor, Jason, and I will be hashing with the Anniston Hash House Harriers today.  It's been a while since we've gotten to hang with this crew.  It will be a good time, as always.  On-On!

The Return of Blogger

Testing....testing....one, two.....  Is this thing on?  Yes, it has been forever since I've posted on this original blogging site.  I relocated to myspace.  Then I relocated to facebook......all on the urging of popular culture.  But I've decided to come back to my roots, that is blogger.  I finally have a digital camera (Thanks Bro!) so I'll be using this site to show pics of random things and post short messages about my days.

Thanks for reading.  Have a great Sunday!