Or in the flood you'll build an Ark And sail us to the moon.

(listening to Radiohead's album Hail to the Theif. The song "Sail to the Moon" streams in. Hazelnut candle burns, sitting indian style in my chair, pulls hair back and gets ready......)

So, I haven't had internet access for about a week. Which probably doesn't make a difference since the past 2-3 weeks have been really haywire for me. At the beginning of that period I got really down and started having dreams (for about a week) about Matthew. Some of them would start off sweet and filled with love only to get my heart broken at the end. Some would be filled with the empty feeling of losing everything by leaving him. And one in particular was devestating. I wrote Docia about it and she even said it was pretty heavy. It included me noticing a change in my body, Docia prompting me to see a doctor, and finding out that I was pregnant. It was this sad knowledge that I had become pregnant just before Matthew and I seperated and that I was carrying a part of him that he would never know, and that he and I would never share again........ So that was a really rough week.

The next few weeks were filled with just trying to keep up with work and getting prepared to go down to Mobile for Halloween. I couldn't really afford to go down but I needed to get away from everything. It was a chaotic weekend, plus I had an underlying feeling of dread. I felt so lost and like I couldn't relate with anyone. Docia encouraged and cracked me up as we tried to clear our heads and describe my future husband one night at Carpe. Not letting any of our own thoughts enter in. I wrote it down and dated it, so that if it does come true she and I can freak out over the eeriness of that night. The next day I sat with Ingrid on Carpe's back porch just listening to people, drinking tea, she reading about Buddha and me finishing up 1984's appendix on Newspeak. I was still really depressed (not about Matthew, just about life in general) so she and I walked to the cemetary behind Carpe. It's oddly tucked away right in the middle of a neighborhood. You wouldn't know it was there unless you had walked around alot like we did in college. So, we sat on a bench overlooking the plots, feeling the wind, and taking off our shoes. It seems like Ingrid and I are both at a crossroads right now. It's just that Ingrid has more chaos to keep her mind off of it, whereas I have all the time in the world. We discussed not feeling like we have a purpose, not knowing what we are supposed to do in this life, why are we here, not understanding anymore why God allows us to continue to create more human beings that will be crushed by confusion, feeling like we don't know God-ourselves-or reality of faith anymore. It was good to get to talk about these things, because I haven't really been able to just sit and talk with anyone at random times in parks and cemetaries and it not feel like a forced discussion. I was so thankful for that time with her. To not feel like I'm the only one feeling lost and unimportant. I also got to talk with Jennifer about not feeling God and questioning if religion/faith is even real anymore. She 'believes' but she is at the point too......where we just don't 'feel' anything anymore and our gifts are sitting stale within us. We cried and talked, that was good too.

I just feel so lost. And there's so much for me to think about right now just in terms of money and life. I hate going through it alone.............and I miss having someone to hold onto while going through everything together. You don't have to worry about me just being with anyone my dear friends. I just can't do that, there has to be romance and a connection from my soul to theirs. But you hate to be in the distress I'm in right now...alone. Sigh... I just wish I knew what to do with myself and why I'm even alive.......so I could have some kind of hope to keep going.............."ah, but I must"...

I have finished George Orwell's 1984 (just have to read a 4-6 page explaination at the end). People make a lot of references to Radiohead's album OK Computer being related to 1984. But as soon as I finished the book I popped in Hail to the Thief on my way to meet friends one Friday night, and the album smothered me. OK Computer is a good setting for Oceania and The Party, but I must say that Hail to the Thief is definitly the mood of Winston's entrance and exit of the Ministry of Love. Wow, amazing book............... I can't wait to read it again.
I am now reading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. A friend sent it to me (hey, I'll email you soon. Sorry I've been MIA.) I'm only on Chapter 2 so I can't really say much about it now. But the cover states, "Nonreligious thoughts on Christian spirituality."

Well, that needs to be enough for now. I know how most of you hate long long long emails and posts. Sorry, I just always like to explain things a lot. Goodnight, I love you all, may peace envelope your hearts. Take some time to be peculiar or innocent this week. I decided to walk the other day in a light rain............it was amazing to feel something for a moment.

Love,
Cindy...

(ps. I was Alice-Milla Jovovich from Resident Evil/Apocalype for Halloween. If I get a picture back from my Mobile friends I will email it. For some reason my computer will not let me use 'hello' so that I can post pictures on my blog. If anyone can assist, let me know. I'm not much into the whole tech thing, grin.)