(listening to Jeff Buckley's Mystery White Boy, Live '95-'96......)
It's the most amazing night tonight. I stepped outside of my car after returning from a friend's house to rain falling on my face and a chill in the air......... It's one of those nights from college...sitting in a parked car at the Mobile museum of art, listening to cranberries, kissing your best-friend for the second time. Passionate, innocent, rain falling, and warmth of each other's face gracing the other's. Sigh........... I had a rough sleep last night. I had my first dream about Matthew in months. It was a very long dream conpiled of good and loving memories and then a turn to where Matthew breaks my heart, then I wake up. Yeah, my heart's broken but right now it mostly feels sick. Infested with disappointment, ache, and "why's".............. I wonder what he's doing, if he has moved on and is happier now without me there, why his family has not reached out to see how I'm doing, and most importantly why Matthew didn't try harder to get me back............numerous phone calls and voicemail messages didn't mean anything to me anymore. I didn't trust his words or his voice...............he needed to take action. But I guess Matt has always been known for being a "talker" in various realms (intellectually, poetically, passionately), so that's all he knew to do. I hope that this hurt goes away............
I purchased Jeff Buckley and Doves today. Jeff Buckley still blows my mind. I stumbled across him, much like I usually stumbled across music in highschool/college, by watching tv late at night my senior year of highschool(between midnight and 3 am). Well, this guy and his 3 man band were playing some small theater/bar venue with only a deep red curtain behind them. He (Jeff Buckley) was wearing a men's white v'neck undershirt, unbuttoned flannel long-sleeve shirt, jeans, and black combat boots. His hair was mid-neck length and slightly disheveled. He was a pretty average looking white guy with this cute poetic beauty to his face. So I thought that it would be like any rock show late at night.......but when he starting playing and shaking the neck of his guitar and then his voice poured out, I lost my breath. The most soulful, beautiful, passionate voice poured out of this ordinary looking guy. His stage presence was sensual and musically aggressive and he captivated all who were around him (including me)....... I remember when I first heard "Last Goodbye" was while watching this show. I cried because it was so amazing...... Thus, the reason why I always had to choose it on PickleFish's jukebox in downtown Mobile. That song has been a favorite of mine for a while. It's so sad that Jeff is no longer here.....why do all of the amazing artist's pass away....and in strange ways? Jeff Buckley passed away back in May 1997. He was in Memphis recording songs for his sophmore album. He and a bandmate went to a Memphis marina at night where Jeff had swam frequently. His bandmate was keeping track of Jeff from the embankment by talking with him.....he turned to move the radio they had brought with them......turned back around and Jeff was gone. They say that due to the waves created by boats passing through he was probably pulled underneath by the current and drowned in the Mississippi river. How sad to lose such an amazing artist and human being.................he has truly made a deep impression on music and individuals......
(rain begins to pour harder, blows out candles, the cd runs out as Jeff Buckley becomes silent, and I curl up on my bed wondering how everything is the way it has become)
goodnight and God bless you all...
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