So the only thing that was productive during today's counseling session were my tear ducts. I cry every visit.....but what's new? ha. During my last visit we got through a couple of old haunts that I don't talk about from childhood. I felt relieved to get some stuff off my chest. But today was a mishmash of "I don't knows." "I haven't really felt anything emotional in years." "Define love and I'll tell you if I feel it." "God? He's there but I'm numb to it all." I don't know if I was able to answer any questions with a confident answer. I've felt this way for years. Since I was a pre-teen up through my twenty's I was very emotional and depressed. Then I got to my thirty's and it's like all feeling is gone. I'm just going through the motions of how a thirty-two year old female should go about life with no opinion towards anything. Just blah blah blah. That's how I've felt for the past 3 years. So today my counselor and I finally talked medication. It's a subject I've tried to ignore for years. Back in 2001 I finally decided to try and do something about my emotions. First on the list was getting on birth control to help with my extreme irregularness and mood swings. I thought it was a hormonal thing. Although it has helped me physically it has not helped me emotionally. Then in 2006 I decided to try exercise. Exercise is supposed to help with depression, right? In 2008 I decided to try and eat healthier. This year my ob-gyn decided to try me on a birth control that helps with PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder). I saw him in May and lied that it was helping. Well, it is helping in the fact that I can tell the day when my pms begins but in the long run it hasn't fixed the problem. So I finally committed to going to a counselor with Jason for some pre-marital counseling. After two visits, the counselor focused on me (bum, bum, bum, enter scary dramatic music here). This is what I feared. My last counseling experience back in 2003 wasn't really helpful. I was so wrapped up in an unhealthy dating relationship I couldn't focus on my real issues.
So I've seen the counselor 5 times now and we finally discussed my taboo........anti-depressants. I've gone through a checklist of possible cures over the past 8 years and it's finally time to try medicine. I hate that. I don't want to feel like I'm weak. I worry it will work and I'll be on it for a while (like I don't control myself). I worry that it won't work and I'll be left wondering what my problem is. I've prayed about the meds things for a while. The only way I feel okay about it is to view the issue like any other medical condition. I know people that take meds to control diabetes, high blood pressure, cholesterol, etc. So I'll be taking meds for my own personal medical condition. But I hate becoming a statistic. So many people take anti-depressants that don't necessarily need them. I wonder if I even need them. But I'm at the end of my checklist and the box beside "meds" is still open. Guess I'll slap a check-mark in it and call it a day. Wish me luck.
