Well, I seem to let things sit around until I have to finish them all in one day. My apartment isn't nasty or trashed, it's just really disorganized. So, I am dedicating the whole day to straightening up, cleaning, vacuuming, etc. Listening to archived shows and the current tunes on KEXP is making it easy. I'm trying not to think hard today because I have been really depressed the past month. Got someone (M) on my mind and heavy on my heart....... I spoke with Ingrid today and she asked me, "Have you ever thought about med......." (here's where I think she is going to ask me about taking meds' for depression-which is a place I don't want to go to.......) "......itation?" ('shew', I think to myself. She's talking about meditation. Ha. Silly me.)
Here's some little things I have enjoyed for moments of purity during the sadness:
-I am getting mad about putting lemon juice in my iced water. Yum, Yum. I had a bottle of lemon juice concentrate in the fridge from a previous recipe and decided to squeeze some in my water one day. Ah, refreshing......
-Sported some cub-ear pigtails to a friends house last night. It made me feel perky and creative. Now if I can only get my corporate job to accept this hair-do in the workplace....I'd probably be more productive (grin).
-I finally made it back to the Capri Theatre for the second time since my break-up. It was tough because I went on a Thursday, which used to be 'our' night to experience independent film together. Luckily I made it through and decided to be brave. I saw "Marie Full of Grace" (Spanish with English subtitles) about a pregnant girl who decides to become a mule to escape her life in Columbia. A mule is someone who smuggles drugs in their stomach over the border. Imagine swallowing 50-60 skinny hard-boiled egg sized pellets, medical rubber glove material stuffed with cocaine or heroine...... It was pretty wild. The ending was kind of unresolved but I'm glad I went.
-Ricola Cough Drops: so it's like I never get a full fledged illness. I just get the onset of one for about a month straight. So in addition to extreme mood-swings el-sadness I have been harboring a cold. I picked up some ricola cough drops and have realized they are the manna of tasty cough-dropness. With flavors like Honey-Herb and Lemon-Mint, people give me strange looks but seriously they are amazing. My favorite thus far is Lemon-Mint. It's very good to have one while sipping some ginger tea, yum. Plus, it makes you feel better....... (I'm such a commercial.)
Ok, well back to the cleaning......... Love you guys, will post more later. C.
Saturday, November 13, 2004
Friday, November 05, 2004
Or in the flood you'll build an Ark And sail us to the moon.
(listening to Radiohead's album Hail to the Theif. The song "Sail to the Moon" streams in. Hazelnut candle burns, sitting indian style in my chair, pulls hair back and gets ready......)
So, I haven't had internet access for about a week. Which probably doesn't make a difference since the past 2-3 weeks have been really haywire for me. At the beginning of that period I got really down and started having dreams (for about a week) about Matthew. Some of them would start off sweet and filled with love only to get my heart broken at the end. Some would be filled with the empty feeling of losing everything by leaving him. And one in particular was devestating. I wrote Docia about it and she even said it was pretty heavy. It included me noticing a change in my body, Docia prompting me to see a doctor, and finding out that I was pregnant. It was this sad knowledge that I had become pregnant just before Matthew and I seperated and that I was carrying a part of him that he would never know, and that he and I would never share again........ So that was a really rough week.
The next few weeks were filled with just trying to keep up with work and getting prepared to go down to Mobile for Halloween. I couldn't really afford to go down but I needed to get away from everything. It was a chaotic weekend, plus I had an underlying feeling of dread. I felt so lost and like I couldn't relate with anyone. Docia encouraged and cracked me up as we tried to clear our heads and describe my future husband one night at Carpe. Not letting any of our own thoughts enter in. I wrote it down and dated it, so that if it does come true she and I can freak out over the eeriness of that night. The next day I sat with Ingrid on Carpe's back porch just listening to people, drinking tea, she reading about Buddha and me finishing up 1984's appendix on Newspeak. I was still really depressed (not about Matthew, just about life in general) so she and I walked to the cemetary behind Carpe. It's oddly tucked away right in the middle of a neighborhood. You wouldn't know it was there unless you had walked around alot like we did in college. So, we sat on a bench overlooking the plots, feeling the wind, and taking off our shoes. It seems like Ingrid and I are both at a crossroads right now. It's just that Ingrid has more chaos to keep her mind off of it, whereas I have all the time in the world. We discussed not feeling like we have a purpose, not knowing what we are supposed to do in this life, why are we here, not understanding anymore why God allows us to continue to create more human beings that will be crushed by confusion, feeling like we don't know God-ourselves-or reality of faith anymore. It was good to get to talk about these things, because I haven't really been able to just sit and talk with anyone at random times in parks and cemetaries and it not feel like a forced discussion. I was so thankful for that time with her. To not feel like I'm the only one feeling lost and unimportant. I also got to talk with Jennifer about not feeling God and questioning if religion/faith is even real anymore. She 'believes' but she is at the point too......where we just don't 'feel' anything anymore and our gifts are sitting stale within us. We cried and talked, that was good too.
I just feel so lost. And there's so much for me to think about right now just in terms of money and life. I hate going through it alone.............and I miss having someone to hold onto while going through everything together. You don't have to worry about me just being with anyone my dear friends. I just can't do that, there has to be romance and a connection from my soul to theirs. But you hate to be in the distress I'm in right now...alone. Sigh... I just wish I knew what to do with myself and why I'm even alive.......so I could have some kind of hope to keep going.............."ah, but I must"...
I have finished George Orwell's 1984 (just have to read a 4-6 page explaination at the end). People make a lot of references to Radiohead's album OK Computer being related to 1984. But as soon as I finished the book I popped in Hail to the Thief on my way to meet friends one Friday night, and the album smothered me. OK Computer is a good setting for Oceania and The Party, but I must say that Hail to the Thief is definitly the mood of Winston's entrance and exit of the Ministry of Love. Wow, amazing book............... I can't wait to read it again.
I am now reading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. A friend sent it to me (hey, I'll email you soon. Sorry I've been MIA.) I'm only on Chapter 2 so I can't really say much about it now. But the cover states, "Nonreligious thoughts on Christian spirituality."
Well, that needs to be enough for now. I know how most of you hate long long long emails and posts. Sorry, I just always like to explain things a lot. Goodnight, I love you all, may peace envelope your hearts. Take some time to be peculiar or innocent this week. I decided to walk the other day in a light rain............it was amazing to feel something for a moment.
Love,
Cindy...
(ps. I was Alice-Milla Jovovich from Resident Evil/Apocalype for Halloween. If I get a picture back from my Mobile friends I will email it. For some reason my computer will not let me use 'hello' so that I can post pictures on my blog. If anyone can assist, let me know. I'm not much into the whole tech thing, grin.)
So, I haven't had internet access for about a week. Which probably doesn't make a difference since the past 2-3 weeks have been really haywire for me. At the beginning of that period I got really down and started having dreams (for about a week) about Matthew. Some of them would start off sweet and filled with love only to get my heart broken at the end. Some would be filled with the empty feeling of losing everything by leaving him. And one in particular was devestating. I wrote Docia about it and she even said it was pretty heavy. It included me noticing a change in my body, Docia prompting me to see a doctor, and finding out that I was pregnant. It was this sad knowledge that I had become pregnant just before Matthew and I seperated and that I was carrying a part of him that he would never know, and that he and I would never share again........ So that was a really rough week.
The next few weeks were filled with just trying to keep up with work and getting prepared to go down to Mobile for Halloween. I couldn't really afford to go down but I needed to get away from everything. It was a chaotic weekend, plus I had an underlying feeling of dread. I felt so lost and like I couldn't relate with anyone. Docia encouraged and cracked me up as we tried to clear our heads and describe my future husband one night at Carpe. Not letting any of our own thoughts enter in. I wrote it down and dated it, so that if it does come true she and I can freak out over the eeriness of that night. The next day I sat with Ingrid on Carpe's back porch just listening to people, drinking tea, she reading about Buddha and me finishing up 1984's appendix on Newspeak. I was still really depressed (not about Matthew, just about life in general) so she and I walked to the cemetary behind Carpe. It's oddly tucked away right in the middle of a neighborhood. You wouldn't know it was there unless you had walked around alot like we did in college. So, we sat on a bench overlooking the plots, feeling the wind, and taking off our shoes. It seems like Ingrid and I are both at a crossroads right now. It's just that Ingrid has more chaos to keep her mind off of it, whereas I have all the time in the world. We discussed not feeling like we have a purpose, not knowing what we are supposed to do in this life, why are we here, not understanding anymore why God allows us to continue to create more human beings that will be crushed by confusion, feeling like we don't know God-ourselves-or reality of faith anymore. It was good to get to talk about these things, because I haven't really been able to just sit and talk with anyone at random times in parks and cemetaries and it not feel like a forced discussion. I was so thankful for that time with her. To not feel like I'm the only one feeling lost and unimportant. I also got to talk with Jennifer about not feeling God and questioning if religion/faith is even real anymore. She 'believes' but she is at the point too......where we just don't 'feel' anything anymore and our gifts are sitting stale within us. We cried and talked, that was good too.
I just feel so lost. And there's so much for me to think about right now just in terms of money and life. I hate going through it alone.............and I miss having someone to hold onto while going through everything together. You don't have to worry about me just being with anyone my dear friends. I just can't do that, there has to be romance and a connection from my soul to theirs. But you hate to be in the distress I'm in right now...alone. Sigh... I just wish I knew what to do with myself and why I'm even alive.......so I could have some kind of hope to keep going.............."ah, but I must"...
I have finished George Orwell's 1984 (just have to read a 4-6 page explaination at the end). People make a lot of references to Radiohead's album OK Computer being related to 1984. But as soon as I finished the book I popped in Hail to the Thief on my way to meet friends one Friday night, and the album smothered me. OK Computer is a good setting for Oceania and The Party, but I must say that Hail to the Thief is definitly the mood of Winston's entrance and exit of the Ministry of Love. Wow, amazing book............... I can't wait to read it again.
I am now reading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. A friend sent it to me (hey, I'll email you soon. Sorry I've been MIA.) I'm only on Chapter 2 so I can't really say much about it now. But the cover states, "Nonreligious thoughts on Christian spirituality."
Well, that needs to be enough for now. I know how most of you hate long long long emails and posts. Sorry, I just always like to explain things a lot. Goodnight, I love you all, may peace envelope your hearts. Take some time to be peculiar or innocent this week. I decided to walk the other day in a light rain............it was amazing to feel something for a moment.
Love,
Cindy...
(ps. I was Alice-Milla Jovovich from Resident Evil/Apocalype for Halloween. If I get a picture back from my Mobile friends I will email it. For some reason my computer will not let me use 'hello' so that I can post pictures on my blog. If anyone can assist, let me know. I'm not much into the whole tech thing, grin.)
Sunday, October 24, 2004
This is our Last Goodbye...
(listening to Jeff Buckley's Mystery White Boy, Live '95-'96......)
It's the most amazing night tonight. I stepped outside of my car after returning from a friend's house to rain falling on my face and a chill in the air......... It's one of those nights from college...sitting in a parked car at the Mobile museum of art, listening to cranberries, kissing your best-friend for the second time. Passionate, innocent, rain falling, and warmth of each other's face gracing the other's. Sigh........... I had a rough sleep last night. I had my first dream about Matthew in months. It was a very long dream conpiled of good and loving memories and then a turn to where Matthew breaks my heart, then I wake up. Yeah, my heart's broken but right now it mostly feels sick. Infested with disappointment, ache, and "why's".............. I wonder what he's doing, if he has moved on and is happier now without me there, why his family has not reached out to see how I'm doing, and most importantly why Matthew didn't try harder to get me back............numerous phone calls and voicemail messages didn't mean anything to me anymore. I didn't trust his words or his voice...............he needed to take action. But I guess Matt has always been known for being a "talker" in various realms (intellectually, poetically, passionately), so that's all he knew to do. I hope that this hurt goes away............
I purchased Jeff Buckley and Doves today. Jeff Buckley still blows my mind. I stumbled across him, much like I usually stumbled across music in highschool/college, by watching tv late at night my senior year of highschool(between midnight and 3 am). Well, this guy and his 3 man band were playing some small theater/bar venue with only a deep red curtain behind them. He (Jeff Buckley) was wearing a men's white v'neck undershirt, unbuttoned flannel long-sleeve shirt, jeans, and black combat boots. His hair was mid-neck length and slightly disheveled. He was a pretty average looking white guy with this cute poetic beauty to his face. So I thought that it would be like any rock show late at night.......but when he starting playing and shaking the neck of his guitar and then his voice poured out, I lost my breath. The most soulful, beautiful, passionate voice poured out of this ordinary looking guy. His stage presence was sensual and musically aggressive and he captivated all who were around him (including me)....... I remember when I first heard "Last Goodbye" was while watching this show. I cried because it was so amazing...... Thus, the reason why I always had to choose it on PickleFish's jukebox in downtown Mobile. That song has been a favorite of mine for a while. It's so sad that Jeff is no longer here.....why do all of the amazing artist's pass away....and in strange ways? Jeff Buckley passed away back in May 1997. He was in Memphis recording songs for his sophmore album. He and a bandmate went to a Memphis marina at night where Jeff had swam frequently. His bandmate was keeping track of Jeff from the embankment by talking with him.....he turned to move the radio they had brought with them......turned back around and Jeff was gone. They say that due to the waves created by boats passing through he was probably pulled underneath by the current and drowned in the Mississippi river. How sad to lose such an amazing artist and human being.................he has truly made a deep impression on music and individuals......
(rain begins to pour harder, blows out candles, the cd runs out as Jeff Buckley becomes silent, and I curl up on my bed wondering how everything is the way it has become)
goodnight and God bless you all...
It's the most amazing night tonight. I stepped outside of my car after returning from a friend's house to rain falling on my face and a chill in the air......... It's one of those nights from college...sitting in a parked car at the Mobile museum of art, listening to cranberries, kissing your best-friend for the second time. Passionate, innocent, rain falling, and warmth of each other's face gracing the other's. Sigh........... I had a rough sleep last night. I had my first dream about Matthew in months. It was a very long dream conpiled of good and loving memories and then a turn to where Matthew breaks my heart, then I wake up. Yeah, my heart's broken but right now it mostly feels sick. Infested with disappointment, ache, and "why's".............. I wonder what he's doing, if he has moved on and is happier now without me there, why his family has not reached out to see how I'm doing, and most importantly why Matthew didn't try harder to get me back............numerous phone calls and voicemail messages didn't mean anything to me anymore. I didn't trust his words or his voice...............he needed to take action. But I guess Matt has always been known for being a "talker" in various realms (intellectually, poetically, passionately), so that's all he knew to do. I hope that this hurt goes away............
I purchased Jeff Buckley and Doves today. Jeff Buckley still blows my mind. I stumbled across him, much like I usually stumbled across music in highschool/college, by watching tv late at night my senior year of highschool(between midnight and 3 am). Well, this guy and his 3 man band were playing some small theater/bar venue with only a deep red curtain behind them. He (Jeff Buckley) was wearing a men's white v'neck undershirt, unbuttoned flannel long-sleeve shirt, jeans, and black combat boots. His hair was mid-neck length and slightly disheveled. He was a pretty average looking white guy with this cute poetic beauty to his face. So I thought that it would be like any rock show late at night.......but when he starting playing and shaking the neck of his guitar and then his voice poured out, I lost my breath. The most soulful, beautiful, passionate voice poured out of this ordinary looking guy. His stage presence was sensual and musically aggressive and he captivated all who were around him (including me)....... I remember when I first heard "Last Goodbye" was while watching this show. I cried because it was so amazing...... Thus, the reason why I always had to choose it on PickleFish's jukebox in downtown Mobile. That song has been a favorite of mine for a while. It's so sad that Jeff is no longer here.....why do all of the amazing artist's pass away....and in strange ways? Jeff Buckley passed away back in May 1997. He was in Memphis recording songs for his sophmore album. He and a bandmate went to a Memphis marina at night where Jeff had swam frequently. His bandmate was keeping track of Jeff from the embankment by talking with him.....he turned to move the radio they had brought with them......turned back around and Jeff was gone. They say that due to the waves created by boats passing through he was probably pulled underneath by the current and drowned in the Mississippi river. How sad to lose such an amazing artist and human being.................he has truly made a deep impression on music and individuals......
(rain begins to pour harder, blows out candles, the cd runs out as Jeff Buckley becomes silent, and I curl up on my bed wondering how everything is the way it has become)
goodnight and God bless you all...