Lexapro, Smeckzapro.

So I've been on my medication (Lexapro-10 mg) since last Friday. So that's just over a week. I've asked a couple of people I work with (and trust-one started Lexapro a month ago), a couple of friends, and Jason to keep an eye on me. I'm just curious to see if anyone sees a change either it be good or bad. They say it takes 1-2 weeks to feel a benefit from the drug and 4 weeks to get the full benefit. One of my co-workers said they could already see an improvement in my attitude and humor in the first week. But I am the type of person that usually has high peaks of happy times and then can hit rock bottom soon after. So I could just be on the upside of my usual mood swing. Everyone I have told has been very supportive. And I am learning that more and more people take anti-depressant and/or anxiety medicine that I trust and look up to.

Last weekend was a super sleepy weekend. I'm taking the meds at night since my co-worker said it makes her sleepy. And she was right. But I'm doing something I don't usually do, which is waking up around 2am or 3am for a potty break. Now, I'm a horrible sleeper since I'm a night owl. But once I fall asleep....that is it. I don't wake up until it's time to get up. So the nightly trips have been a bit annoying. It seems like my appetite has increased a bit. I'm already a big eater/snacker from running. But my snacks don't seem to be lasting as long as before. I've seemed to be more of a comedian lately....and not really caring what people think. But not in the numb way that most people say prozac or zoloft can make you feel.

We'll see. I've had several people tell me that they think my issues are not just from all the drama I was raised in but also a chemical thing. So even though I was very scared of starting a medication routine before, I'll finally get to answer the question on if my issue is truly outside of my control and medication can help to level me out in a healthy way.

Jumping Down the Rabbit Hole

I'll tell Morpheus "hello" for you. Tomorrow begins Day 1 outside of the Matrix.

Becoming A Statistic

So the only thing that was productive during today's counseling session were my tear ducts. I cry every visit.....but what's new? ha. During my last visit we got through a couple of old haunts that I don't talk about from childhood. I felt relieved to get some stuff off my chest. But today was a mishmash of "I don't knows." "I haven't really felt anything emotional in years." "Define love and I'll tell you if I feel it." "God? He's there but I'm numb to it all." I don't know if I was able to answer any questions with a confident answer. I've felt this way for years. Since I was a pre-teen up through my twenty's I was very emotional and depressed. Then I got to my thirty's and it's like all feeling is gone. I'm just going through the motions of how a thirty-two year old female should go about life with no opinion towards anything. Just blah blah blah. That's how I've felt for the past 3 years.

So today my counselor and I finally talked medication. It's a subject I've tried to ignore for years. Back in 2001 I finally decided to try and do something about my emotions. First on the list was getting on birth control to help with my extreme irregularness and mood swings. I thought it was a hormonal thing. Although it has helped me physically it has not helped me emotionally. Then in 2006 I decided to try exercise. Exercise is supposed to help with depression, right? In 2008 I decided to try and eat healthier. This year my ob-gyn decided to try me on a birth control that helps with PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder). I saw him in May and lied that it was helping. Well, it is helping in the fact that I can tell the day when my pms begins but in the long run it hasn't fixed the problem. So I finally committed to going to a counselor with Jason for some pre-marital counseling. After two visits, the counselor focused on me (bum, bum, bum, enter scary dramatic music here). This is what I feared. My last counseling experience back in 2003 wasn't really helpful. I was so wrapped up in an unhealthy dating relationship I couldn't focus on my real issues.

So I've seen the counselor 5 times now and we finally discussed my taboo........anti-depressants. I've gone through a checklist of possible cures over the past 8 years and it's finally time to try medicine. I hate that. I don't want to feel like I'm weak. I worry it will work and I'll be on it for a while (like I don't control myself). I worry that it won't work and I'll be left wondering what my problem is. I've prayed about the meds things for a while. The only way I feel okay about it is to view the issue like any other medical condition. I know people that take meds to control diabetes, high blood pressure, cholesterol, etc. So I'll be taking meds for my own personal medical condition. But I hate becoming a statistic. So many people take anti-depressants that don't necessarily need them. I wonder if I even need them. But I'm at the end of my checklist and the box beside "meds" is still open. Guess I'll slap a check-mark in it and call it a day. Wish me luck.