(listening to Jeff Buckley's Mystery White Boy, Live '95-'96......)
It's the most amazing night tonight. I stepped outside of my car after returning from a friend's house to rain falling on my face and a chill in the air......... It's one of those nights from college...sitting in a parked car at the Mobile museum of art, listening to cranberries, kissing your best-friend for the second time. Passionate, innocent, rain falling, and warmth of each other's face gracing the other's. Sigh........... I had a rough sleep last night. I had my first dream about Matthew in months. It was a very long dream conpiled of good and loving memories and then a turn to where Matthew breaks my heart, then I wake up. Yeah, my heart's broken but right now it mostly feels sick. Infested with disappointment, ache, and "why's".............. I wonder what he's doing, if he has moved on and is happier now without me there, why his family has not reached out to see how I'm doing, and most importantly why Matthew didn't try harder to get me back............numerous phone calls and voicemail messages didn't mean anything to me anymore. I didn't trust his words or his voice...............he needed to take action. But I guess Matt has always been known for being a "talker" in various realms (intellectually, poetically, passionately), so that's all he knew to do. I hope that this hurt goes away............
I purchased Jeff Buckley and Doves today. Jeff Buckley still blows my mind. I stumbled across him, much like I usually stumbled across music in highschool/college, by watching tv late at night my senior year of highschool(between midnight and 3 am). Well, this guy and his 3 man band were playing some small theater/bar venue with only a deep red curtain behind them. He (Jeff Buckley) was wearing a men's white v'neck undershirt, unbuttoned flannel long-sleeve shirt, jeans, and black combat boots. His hair was mid-neck length and slightly disheveled. He was a pretty average looking white guy with this cute poetic beauty to his face. So I thought that it would be like any rock show late at night.......but when he starting playing and shaking the neck of his guitar and then his voice poured out, I lost my breath. The most soulful, beautiful, passionate voice poured out of this ordinary looking guy. His stage presence was sensual and musically aggressive and he captivated all who were around him (including me)....... I remember when I first heard "Last Goodbye" was while watching this show. I cried because it was so amazing...... Thus, the reason why I always had to choose it on PickleFish's jukebox in downtown Mobile. That song has been a favorite of mine for a while. It's so sad that Jeff is no longer here.....why do all of the amazing artist's pass away....and in strange ways? Jeff Buckley passed away back in May 1997. He was in Memphis recording songs for his sophmore album. He and a bandmate went to a Memphis marina at night where Jeff had swam frequently. His bandmate was keeping track of Jeff from the embankment by talking with him.....he turned to move the radio they had brought with them......turned back around and Jeff was gone. They say that due to the waves created by boats passing through he was probably pulled underneath by the current and drowned in the Mississippi river. How sad to lose such an amazing artist and human being.................he has truly made a deep impression on music and individuals......
(rain begins to pour harder, blows out candles, the cd runs out as Jeff Buckley becomes silent, and I curl up on my bed wondering how everything is the way it has become)
goodnight and God bless you all...
Sunday, October 24, 2004
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
KEXP and the Debates make 3!
Hola mi amigos! Buenos noches...... (yeah, I'm a goofball) People at work think I'm bilingual because I know a few sayings. Ha! Crazy that I took spanish in highschool and college and both times got to a point where I completely got confused and gave up, verbs and making sentences. It all became backwards to me. I want to learn another language really bad. Ever since I saw the film "Lost in Translation" (shameless Cindy plug, 'this is a must see film per the Cindy-Tribune'). I think I'll have to pass on spanish and try something fresh and new. I'd love to learn Japanese, Mandarin, or German (so I can watch Run Lola Run without subtitles, grin).
God Bless Chris in the gump! He has found a listener supported radio station out of Seattle!!! http://www.kexp.org/ If the tv is not on I'm listening to this station on the internet in my little apartment. I wish that I could listen to it at work. The stuff that I like (or am familiar with) usually overlaps from the time I'm at work until about 6 or 7 pm. This morning they were playing some really good stuff........ So, I'm totally obsessed with this station now and my wish to go to Seattle has grown stronger.
I'M GOING TO VOO-DOO FEST!!!!!! Despite the fact that I don't have any money and my credit card has a pretty nice balance I slowly chip away at, I am going!!! I can't take sitting around all of the time. I don't go to movies, shop for clothes (thanks for talking me into that two for one sweater sale Monica), buy cds, go out to eat, ......nothing. All because I struggle as it is to live paycheck to paycheck. And living alone again has made me rip through any savings that I had. Sigh. But 'garsh-darnit' I deserve something! So I am going with Docia and Tony this weekend. The main reason I wanted to go is because the Pixies will be playing and I may never get this opportunity. Some other bands I am stoked (surfer lingo, that's what watching MTV will do to you) to see: Ambulance LTD, The Polyphonic Spree, Snow Patrol, Gomez, Sonic Youth, the Pixies, John Digweed, and the Beastie Boys. Docia supposedly has some super-fly gangster hats for us to wear to the event.
Halloween is just around the corner. I can't wait. It's such a creative day to me. I love to see friends and strangers being creative and dressing up for a day. Last year I went as LeeLoo from Fifth Element. This year I will go as Alice from Resident Evil:Apocolypse. Yeah, I have this Milla Jovovich thing going. If I can get this scanner (looks over to the left of my desk) to work maybe I'll email some pics from last year. If you're going to be in the Mobile area on the 31st feel free to say hello, but keep in mind that I'll drop kick you if you're dressed as a zombie............sly grin.
The third presidential debate was tonight. I watched the first, missed the second, and watched the third. But I am still undecided and really don't like either candidates. I got all pumped up about voting and got re-registered and now I'm left with no resolution. Post your thoughts on the candidates. I'd be interested in what you have to say.
God Bless Chris in the gump! He has found a listener supported radio station out of Seattle!!! http://www.kexp.org/ If the tv is not on I'm listening to this station on the internet in my little apartment. I wish that I could listen to it at work. The stuff that I like (or am familiar with) usually overlaps from the time I'm at work until about 6 or 7 pm. This morning they were playing some really good stuff........ So, I'm totally obsessed with this station now and my wish to go to Seattle has grown stronger.
I'M GOING TO VOO-DOO FEST!!!!!! Despite the fact that I don't have any money and my credit card has a pretty nice balance I slowly chip away at, I am going!!! I can't take sitting around all of the time. I don't go to movies, shop for clothes (thanks for talking me into that two for one sweater sale Monica), buy cds, go out to eat, ......nothing. All because I struggle as it is to live paycheck to paycheck. And living alone again has made me rip through any savings that I had. Sigh. But 'garsh-darnit' I deserve something! So I am going with Docia and Tony this weekend. The main reason I wanted to go is because the Pixies will be playing and I may never get this opportunity. Some other bands I am stoked (surfer lingo, that's what watching MTV will do to you) to see: Ambulance LTD, The Polyphonic Spree, Snow Patrol, Gomez, Sonic Youth, the Pixies, John Digweed, and the Beastie Boys. Docia supposedly has some super-fly gangster hats for us to wear to the event.
Halloween is just around the corner. I can't wait. It's such a creative day to me. I love to see friends and strangers being creative and dressing up for a day. Last year I went as LeeLoo from Fifth Element. This year I will go as Alice from Resident Evil:Apocolypse. Yeah, I have this Milla Jovovich thing going. If I can get this scanner (looks over to the left of my desk) to work maybe I'll email some pics from last year. If you're going to be in the Mobile area on the 31st feel free to say hello, but keep in mind that I'll drop kick you if you're dressed as a zombie............sly grin.
The third presidential debate was tonight. I watched the first, missed the second, and watched the third. But I am still undecided and really don't like either candidates. I got all pumped up about voting and got re-registered and now I'm left with no resolution. Post your thoughts on the candidates. I'd be interested in what you have to say.
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
Genesis 8: The Flood Subsides
But God remembered Noah and all the beasts and all the cattle that were with him in the ark; and God caused a wind to pass over the earth, and the water subsided. 2Also the fountains of the deep and the floodgates of the sky were closed, and the rain from the sky was restrained; 3and the water receded steadily from the earth, and at the end of one hundred and fifty days the water decreased. 4In the seventh month, on the seventeenth day of the month, the ark rested upon the mountains of Ararat. 5The water decreased steadily until the tenth month; in the tenth month, on the first day of the month, the tops of the mountains became visible. 6Then it came about at the end of forty days, that Noah opened the window of the ark which he had made; 7and he sent out a raven, and it flew here and there until the water was dried up from the earth. 8Then he sent out a dove from him, to see if the water was abated from the face of the land; 9but the dove found no resting place for the sole of her foot, so she returned to him into the ark, for the water was on the surface of all the earth. Then he put out his hand and took her, and brought her into the ark to himself. 10So he waited yet another seven days; and again he sent out the dove from the ark. 11The dove came to him toward evening, and behold, in her beak was a freshly picked olive leaf. So Noah knew that the water was abated from the earth. 12Then he waited yet another seven days, and sent out the dove; but she did not return to him again. 13Now it came about in the six hundred and first year, in the first month, on the first of the month, the water was dried up from the earth. Then Noah removed the covering of the ark, and looked, and behold, the surface of the ground was dried up. 14In the second month, on the twenty-seventh day of the month, the earth was dry. 15Then God spoke to Noah, saying, 16"Go out of the ark, you and your wife and your sons and your sons' wives with you. 17"Bring out with you every living thing of all flesh that is with you, birds and animals and every creeping thing that creeps on the earth, that they may breed abundantly on the earth, and be fruitful and multiply on the earth." 18So Noah went out, and his sons and his wife and his sons' wives with him. 19Every beast, every creeping thing, and every bird, everything that moves on the earth, went out by their families from the ark. 20Then Noah built an altar to the LORD, and took of every clean animal and of every clean bird and offered burnt offerings on the altar. 21The LORD smelled the soothing aroma; and the LORD said to Himself, "I will never again curse the ground on account of man, for the intent of man's heart is evil from his youth; and I will never again destroy every living thing, as I have done. 22"While the earth remains, Seedtime and harvest, And cold and heat, And summer and winter, And day and night Shall ot cease."
Questions:
1) v. 6 Then it came about at the end of forty days, that Noah opened the window of the ark which he had made;
Is this 40 days from the 150th day? The tons of references to days and months in this chapter get confusing.
2) v. 7-8: 7and he sent out a raven, and it flew here and there until the water was dried up from the earth. 8Then he sent out a dove from him, to see if the water was abated from the face of the land;
Can someone explain the significance of sending out the raven first?
3) v. 21 21The LORD smelled the soothing aroma; and the LORD said to Himself, "I will never again curse the ground on account of man, for the intent of man's heart is evil from his youth; and I will never again destroy every living thing, as I have done.
Just thought that it was interesting that the Lord smelled a 'soothing aroma' when clean animals were burned as offerings...... any thoughts on this? (being funny)-a soothing aroma to me would be vanilla or nag champa incense........
4) Please discuss why God decided at this point that he would not 'curse the ground' again on account of man. Was it the act of Noah obeying God that He solely made His decision on? Or was it that after all of this flooding and destruction God realized that due to the 'fall of man' in Eden that man really has a choice of his own to be good or bad......that God did not need to cause destruction on all men due to a few being disobedient............discuss (coffee talk accent).
Questions:
1) v. 6 Then it came about at the end of forty days, that Noah opened the window of the ark which he had made;
Is this 40 days from the 150th day? The tons of references to days and months in this chapter get confusing.
2) v. 7-8: 7and he sent out a raven, and it flew here and there until the water was dried up from the earth. 8Then he sent out a dove from him, to see if the water was abated from the face of the land;
Can someone explain the significance of sending out the raven first?
3) v. 21 21The LORD smelled the soothing aroma; and the LORD said to Himself, "I will never again curse the ground on account of man, for the intent of man's heart is evil from his youth; and I will never again destroy every living thing, as I have done.
Just thought that it was interesting that the Lord smelled a 'soothing aroma' when clean animals were burned as offerings...... any thoughts on this? (being funny)-a soothing aroma to me would be vanilla or nag champa incense........
4) Please discuss why God decided at this point that he would not 'curse the ground' again on account of man. Was it the act of Noah obeying God that He solely made His decision on? Or was it that after all of this flooding and destruction God realized that due to the 'fall of man' in Eden that man really has a choice of his own to be good or bad......that God did not need to cause destruction on all men due to a few being disobedient............discuss (coffee talk accent).
Saturday, October 09, 2004
A Need for Words...
(listening to Sunny Day Real Estate's album Diary. 1993, I haven't listened to this in years...)
Just feel like I need to write (or type, whatever) to release words from my mind. I've been really frustrated and angry lately....... It's those steps the Jones' and I learned about in Death in Dying........ I'm currently on Anger. It's seems like when things happen to me they all happen at once. I have a lot of stress on me right now, and realizing the crap that I put up with in the past with 'someone' has gotten me irritated. Wow, I was too good of a woman...... So, enough of the melodrama....I feel like writing (Dosh this is for you since I haven't written in so long)...........just going to type, no thought, no correction, just let it be for now......
i try to contain this within me
this neverending turnaround of pain and irritation
burns on my back for not turning away soon enough
and memories burned into my heart for giving away my self
..leaving me alone, nothing inside, laying down, breathing slow
trying to remember what or who i am
warm tears falling down my face
and rain crashing on my back
fingers gripping the ground to feel the earth's love
to feel like God is somewhere underneath my skin
in my heart that's no longer beating...
that's no longer sighing, no more sight
'silent' is a good choice when you don't want to talk about it
church pew preaching at someone who used to know so well
i feel so lost but only want the spirit to find me
and help me get back what i then gave away.
...
some verse from Sunny Day.....
"Seven"
sew it on. face the fool
december's tragic drive
when time is poetry
and stolen the world outside
the waiting could crush my heart.
sew it on. face the fool
the tide breaks a wave of fear
and brave songs disappear
to the secret voice of dawn
this last time raise my eyes.
you'll taste it, you'll taste it...in time
you'll taste it, you'll taste it...in time
you'll taste it, you'll taste it...in time
the right words, in time.
sew it on. face the fool
the mirrors lie those aren't my eyes
destroy them raise my hand
reflected in savage shards
a new face a soul reborn.
you'll taste it, you'll taste it...in time
you'll taste it, you'll taste it...in time
you'll taste it, you'll taste it...in time
the right words, in time.
"in circles"
meet me there, in the blue
where words are not
and feeling remains.
sincerity, trust in me...
to throw myself into your door.
circles.....running down...i go in circles....running down.....i go in circles....running down.
meet me there, in the blue
where words are not
and feeling remains.
i dream.....to heal your wounds,
but i bleed myself.....but i bleed myself.
circles.....running down...i go in circles....running down.....i go in circles....running down.
remains
Just feel like I need to write (or type, whatever) to release words from my mind. I've been really frustrated and angry lately....... It's those steps the Jones' and I learned about in Death in Dying........ I'm currently on Anger. It's seems like when things happen to me they all happen at once. I have a lot of stress on me right now, and realizing the crap that I put up with in the past with 'someone' has gotten me irritated. Wow, I was too good of a woman...... So, enough of the melodrama....I feel like writing (Dosh this is for you since I haven't written in so long)...........just going to type, no thought, no correction, just let it be for now......
i try to contain this within me
this neverending turnaround of pain and irritation
burns on my back for not turning away soon enough
and memories burned into my heart for giving away my self
..leaving me alone, nothing inside, laying down, breathing slow
trying to remember what or who i am
warm tears falling down my face
and rain crashing on my back
fingers gripping the ground to feel the earth's love
to feel like God is somewhere underneath my skin
in my heart that's no longer beating...
that's no longer sighing, no more sight
'silent' is a good choice when you don't want to talk about it
church pew preaching at someone who used to know so well
i feel so lost but only want the spirit to find me
and help me get back what i then gave away.
...
some verse from Sunny Day.....
"Seven"
sew it on. face the fool
december's tragic drive
when time is poetry
and stolen the world outside
the waiting could crush my heart.
sew it on. face the fool
the tide breaks a wave of fear
and brave songs disappear
to the secret voice of dawn
this last time raise my eyes.
you'll taste it, you'll taste it...in time
you'll taste it, you'll taste it...in time
you'll taste it, you'll taste it...in time
the right words, in time.
sew it on. face the fool
the mirrors lie those aren't my eyes
destroy them raise my hand
reflected in savage shards
a new face a soul reborn.
you'll taste it, you'll taste it...in time
you'll taste it, you'll taste it...in time
you'll taste it, you'll taste it...in time
the right words, in time.
"in circles"
meet me there, in the blue
where words are not
and feeling remains.
sincerity, trust in me...
to throw myself into your door.
circles.....running down...i go in circles....running down.....i go in circles....running down.
meet me there, in the blue
where words are not
and feeling remains.
i dream.....to heal your wounds,
but i bleed myself.....but i bleed myself.
circles.....running down...i go in circles....running down.....i go in circles....running down.
remains
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Stalling on Genesis 7...
I wanted to take some time to ask questions regarding Genesis 7 before I moved on this week. Adam, be sure to check the comments. I have a question or two for you.....
I hate feeling like God is not there; that He's not real anymore, real to 'me' anymore. I was hoping secretly that another positive thing of being single again, out of my previous painful relationship, that my faith would come back..........but it's not (wipes tear). It really sucks to have lost it. To not feel like I believe anymore......to just spend my days thinking about how to keep working to pay my bills, keep food in my fridge, and have a little left over to get a cd or some Thai food on rare occasions. Who am I anymore? sigh...............
I'll continue on Genesis 8 after the discussion ends on chapter 7. I love you guys, keep me in your prayers....c
(on a silly happy note, "so why did I cry at the end of Made on MTV tonight?" I was so happy (surfing episode) that I cried for the girl on the show. I'm such a goofball -laughs at self, grin.)
I hate feeling like God is not there; that He's not real anymore, real to 'me' anymore. I was hoping secretly that another positive thing of being single again, out of my previous painful relationship, that my faith would come back..........but it's not (wipes tear). It really sucks to have lost it. To not feel like I believe anymore......to just spend my days thinking about how to keep working to pay my bills, keep food in my fridge, and have a little left over to get a cd or some Thai food on rare occasions. Who am I anymore? sigh...............
I'll continue on Genesis 8 after the discussion ends on chapter 7. I love you guys, keep me in your prayers....c
(on a silly happy note, "so why did I cry at the end of Made on MTV tonight?" I was so happy (surfing episode) that I cried for the girl on the show. I'm such a goofball -laughs at self, grin.)
Monday, October 04, 2004
A New Obsession.......
Ok, so I'm totally in love with the new cartoon from Cartoon Network, Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends. I originally found out about this show while looking for online games for my neice and nephew to play. We went to the cartoon network website and found games for a new show (foster's home....). I've caught two shows now....they usually play on Friday night's when I'm with friends.....so I catch it sparadically. Check it out. It's awesome.......
Saturday, October 02, 2004
A Fraction of a Second Out on the Town
(listening to Velvet Blue Music-The Future Is Blue Compilation)
Got myself all dolled up tonight to meet co-workers at the Fox and the Hound. Our supervisor found a job up north where her husband is and will be moving next weekend. I usually don't like to go to Fox and the Hound due to old memories but it was ok since I would be in a group (mental stimulation would be covered by others antics so that I wouldn't have to think about old junk). So, yeah I got dolled up with my newest silk flower in my hair. I must say I looked pretty cute and modelesque. I chatted, laughed, had a Woodchuck and some fish and chips and then after everything died down I came home.
I guess that I have never really liked bar atmospheres. People checking out people, excessive drinkers, etc etc etc. Maybe if I was with a group of friends or at a bar/club to see a band...................but groups don't really get out much here and if a band was coming I don't think I could get anyone to go. Snow Patrol plays in Birmingham 10/15. Ofcourse it will be another band missed due to no musical counterparts to stand in the crowds with me.........sigh, argh. I think I'd go to concerts alone if they were in venues I have been to before. That way I wouldn't feel so socially naked............
...in the mood to post odd things I hate and love....................things that make me tick and tick me off. (grin)
things that make me cringe
-people who don't use their blinkers
-port-a-potties (they are of the devilllllllllllll)
-people with road rage
-excessive use of curse words
-having a broken heart
-girls who look perfect all the time
-poodles
-excessive and needless plastic surgery
-not finding lender's everything bagles after going to five grocery stores in Montgomery (that's for you Dosh!)
-the two main choices of presidential candidates (still undecided but I did re-register to vote, "go me!")
-"elimidate"
things that make me feel that everything's ok
-the smell of honeysuckle and hazelnut candles
-a kid waving to me from the window of another car
-hummingbirds outside my windows
-chai lattes
-truckers who flick headlights to let you over and say thankyou by braking three times (i love trucker signals, this was the thing when i was a kid on family trips to Texas. My c.b. radio name was 'red on the head'....)
-eating lunch with Hank (i eat lunch a few blocks away from work at a park. The park has smooth slab benches under trees and a statue of Hank Williams. I eat, read my book, and bid Hank ado on the way back to work.)
-skirts
-the way Monie eats her food. She's an artist with a fork.......
-Angel and Innocent perfume
-trivial pursuit (grin, Sinead O'Conner........long live the revolution!)
...
Got myself all dolled up tonight to meet co-workers at the Fox and the Hound. Our supervisor found a job up north where her husband is and will be moving next weekend. I usually don't like to go to Fox and the Hound due to old memories but it was ok since I would be in a group (mental stimulation would be covered by others antics so that I wouldn't have to think about old junk). So, yeah I got dolled up with my newest silk flower in my hair. I must say I looked pretty cute and modelesque. I chatted, laughed, had a Woodchuck and some fish and chips and then after everything died down I came home.
I guess that I have never really liked bar atmospheres. People checking out people, excessive drinkers, etc etc etc. Maybe if I was with a group of friends or at a bar/club to see a band...................but groups don't really get out much here and if a band was coming I don't think I could get anyone to go. Snow Patrol plays in Birmingham 10/15. Ofcourse it will be another band missed due to no musical counterparts to stand in the crowds with me.........sigh, argh. I think I'd go to concerts alone if they were in venues I have been to before. That way I wouldn't feel so socially naked............
...in the mood to post odd things I hate and love....................things that make me tick and tick me off. (grin)
things that make me cringe
-people who don't use their blinkers
-port-a-potties (they are of the devilllllllllllll)
-people with road rage
-excessive use of curse words
-having a broken heart
-girls who look perfect all the time
-poodles
-excessive and needless plastic surgery
-not finding lender's everything bagles after going to five grocery stores in Montgomery (that's for you Dosh!)
-the two main choices of presidential candidates (still undecided but I did re-register to vote, "go me!")
-"elimidate"
things that make me feel that everything's ok
-the smell of honeysuckle and hazelnut candles
-a kid waving to me from the window of another car
-hummingbirds outside my windows
-chai lattes
-truckers who flick headlights to let you over and say thankyou by braking three times (i love trucker signals, this was the thing when i was a kid on family trips to Texas. My c.b. radio name was 'red on the head'....)
-eating lunch with Hank (i eat lunch a few blocks away from work at a park. The park has smooth slab benches under trees and a statue of Hank Williams. I eat, read my book, and bid Hank ado on the way back to work.)
-skirts
-the way Monie eats her food. She's an artist with a fork.......
-Angel and Innocent perfume
-trivial pursuit (grin, Sinead O'Conner........long live the revolution!)
...
Tommy Rocks!!!!
Tommy the appliance guy came today to fix my dryer. Luckily my dad footed the bill for someone to come out and change the dryer cord out and hook up the washer. Yea! I can finally wash clothes without making change at the bank every week. "Um, can I change out 7 dollar bills for quarters please?"