Wednesday, June 29, 2005
For Whom The Wedding Bell Tolls
For the old college crew, some of you might remember Jeremy Robinson. I used to call him "huggy Jeremy" because he was always there to give you a hug. In fact, I believe he is the best hugger I've met to date... yeah, back to what I was saying....well he called my cell number out of the blue a week or so ago, awkwardly leaving a message hoping that the number he dialed was for me since we hadn't spoken in two or more years. I called him back yesterday and found out that he's engaged! You go Jeremy! He and his fiance dated for two years before getting engaged this February. Since it has been so long since Jeremy and I have talked, I've never met his fiance. He still lives in Mobile so I am hoping to make a trip down in August to visit with my girls in the bay city and meet up with Jeremy for a visit also. Best wishes to Jeremy. He has such a good spirit about him and I am so happy that he has a love in his life......he deserves it........ (yeah I'm beaming...I just love people in love, and stuff....)
Sunday, June 26, 2005
A new chapter.....turning the page.
Saturday 6/25/2005 at 11:53 am
I got up kind of late today since I stayed up until 1 am typing a post that I have decided to bury. So here I am now, vanilla incense burning in the bedroom and a honeydew melon candle blazing on top of my fridge. I fear slipping into an apartment slump like I have in the past.....so I am dedicating myself to unpacking and placement for today. Breakfast serves as an old "loft apartment" favorite some might remember-eggs over-easy and some buttery cinnamon toast. Yum... I got up in time for the vintage vault on 100.5. God bless these 2-3 hours of old college favorites. Sometimes it's hard to listen to (K's Choice "I'm not an addict" plays through the speakers), because I am reminded of the development of "me" in highschool years. And then my thoughts migrate to college. What an emotional time of joy and heart-ache... I feel like I've been through so much emotionally over the past 10 years (ages 18-28). It's astonishing to think that 8 of those 10 years was spent with one main center in my life....a friendship and then relationship with you know who. And to think that I was the one who had to walk away freaks me out. I never thought that I would do or could do something like that. Especially since I inherited the trait of my mother in sticking things out to the end with people-even if it means sacrificing yourself. (pulls out a cool granny smith apple from the fridge. slices it up and goes back to the computer.) He told me once when he had broken up with me that I would get over him because he was just my first love. I think he said these things to just push me away. But words can be a powerful tool and sometimes what is said by the tongue will eventually come true. The reason I had to walk away from him a year ago was because I was over being hurt, over being taken for granted, and over him self-destructing and smiting his future. Up to today I really believe that walking away last June was the hardest thing I have had to do in my 28 years of life. I had never felt what was going on in my heart at that time-a dead numb ache. Although I had not talked with God all that much since college I prayed that He would guide me. All I ever heard was to not answer the phone, which was hard. Because I always ended up answering when things were bad in the past-I always took him back and let him into my life again. But this time I felt as if the flame in my heart had fizzled out...that there was nothing left for me to give, that I had my heart broken for the last time....there was no peicing it together. So I picked up the peices up off the floor, put them in a paper bag, and labeled it so I could find it when I was ready to love again. Now I wonder who will have the glue to put it all together again. I will always love 'him'. But I don't believe that I could ever open that door again to just say hello unless he had himself (mind , body, and soul) straightened out. I told him this but knowing me with my "beat around the bush poetic" verbage, it probably didn't make any sense. Ever so often while unpacking I'll find a picture of him, or he and I, and a wave of emotion will flood over me. A combination of anger, sadness, joy, distraught, etc......and I say to myself "who is that person?", because towards the end I really didn't know anymore. He had become something else and I don't believe he realized that. I didn't feel that it could be like an episode of A&E's Intervention where I could say while still in our relationship, "if you don't get the help you need then I can never talk to you again". He had tried to get help but to me it was like drugs were masking what was really going inside of him. So the only thing I knew to do was walk away-for the sake of saving myself and him getting help because I wouldn't be there.
*Continuation on Sunday night, 6/26/2005 at 10:43 pm.
I think others felt this way. That maybe this would be the saving grace for him to finally wake up and really find himself. To begin loving himself and therein love another "whole"fully. I prayed that if nothing else came out of me breaking up with him, that it would become an opportunity for him to finally get the help he needed. I obviously wasn't helping him (which all of you know-I have this great desire to help resolve the emotional hurt in people), so it was best that I went away. / I will always have a love in my heart for him. They say that is true for everyone's first "true" love. / If I never hear from him again I want him to know how much I loved him. And that although sometimes you wish that someone would pine over you, I wish him the best in life and that he finds happiness. I still have so much regard and faith in him as I have always held from the first time we met on the shore of the bay. I have faith in that beautiful giving spirit I have seen lying in his heart. I know that one day he will use that love to help people, because he has always had a gift in relating to anyone he meets. I have faith in the intelligence I always revered in him. One day he will use his talents to do what makes him happy-either it be that next great american novel or a new computer program. I have faith in the "little Christ" that he has hidden in his heart too long. I think he felt that in college that his faith in Christ eventually hurt those close to him.........but that's not it. I have seen a lot of people blessed by his holy spirit. I just wish he wouldn't run away from that which is written on the tablets of his heart. And I have faith in those strong hands I always loved. That one day he will work to help build someone else up and work to help those less fortunate. And that one day he will hold a child he created and feel love. / I guess that's all I know to say....is that I will always love you in that innocense which is laid upon those you havely truly cared about in life.....and that I do pray for you........and hope that you are resolving the confusion that was in you when I had to walk away. Everything is in God's hands....as I believe it should be. I pray for myself that He will help me to begin to find the faith that I once had......and that I will learn patience in finding someone that will love me in everyway I should be loved. And i pray that God fashions in me a love that I can share with someone one day. For now, I must discover what my life is all about. So just pray that I will find peace through my heart and through Christ. Take care...
A good song to end this on....funny, sometimes I feel like Morrissey is singing this to me....hmph, maybe he is.
My love, wherever you are
whatever you are
don't lose faith
I know it's gonna happen someday
to you
You say that the day just never arrives
and it's never seemed so far away
still, I know it's gonna happen someday
to you.
-Morrissey
I got up kind of late today since I stayed up until 1 am typing a post that I have decided to bury. So here I am now, vanilla incense burning in the bedroom and a honeydew melon candle blazing on top of my fridge. I fear slipping into an apartment slump like I have in the past.....so I am dedicating myself to unpacking and placement for today. Breakfast serves as an old "loft apartment" favorite some might remember-eggs over-easy and some buttery cinnamon toast. Yum... I got up in time for the vintage vault on 100.5. God bless these 2-3 hours of old college favorites. Sometimes it's hard to listen to (K's Choice "I'm not an addict" plays through the speakers), because I am reminded of the development of "me" in highschool years. And then my thoughts migrate to college. What an emotional time of joy and heart-ache... I feel like I've been through so much emotionally over the past 10 years (ages 18-28). It's astonishing to think that 8 of those 10 years was spent with one main center in my life....a friendship and then relationship with you know who. And to think that I was the one who had to walk away freaks me out. I never thought that I would do or could do something like that. Especially since I inherited the trait of my mother in sticking things out to the end with people-even if it means sacrificing yourself. (pulls out a cool granny smith apple from the fridge. slices it up and goes back to the computer.) He told me once when he had broken up with me that I would get over him because he was just my first love. I think he said these things to just push me away. But words can be a powerful tool and sometimes what is said by the tongue will eventually come true. The reason I had to walk away from him a year ago was because I was over being hurt, over being taken for granted, and over him self-destructing and smiting his future. Up to today I really believe that walking away last June was the hardest thing I have had to do in my 28 years of life. I had never felt what was going on in my heart at that time-a dead numb ache. Although I had not talked with God all that much since college I prayed that He would guide me. All I ever heard was to not answer the phone, which was hard. Because I always ended up answering when things were bad in the past-I always took him back and let him into my life again. But this time I felt as if the flame in my heart had fizzled out...that there was nothing left for me to give, that I had my heart broken for the last time....there was no peicing it together. So I picked up the peices up off the floor, put them in a paper bag, and labeled it so I could find it when I was ready to love again. Now I wonder who will have the glue to put it all together again. I will always love 'him'. But I don't believe that I could ever open that door again to just say hello unless he had himself (mind , body, and soul) straightened out. I told him this but knowing me with my "beat around the bush poetic" verbage, it probably didn't make any sense. Ever so often while unpacking I'll find a picture of him, or he and I, and a wave of emotion will flood over me. A combination of anger, sadness, joy, distraught, etc......and I say to myself "who is that person?", because towards the end I really didn't know anymore. He had become something else and I don't believe he realized that. I didn't feel that it could be like an episode of A&E's Intervention where I could say while still in our relationship, "if you don't get the help you need then I can never talk to you again". He had tried to get help but to me it was like drugs were masking what was really going inside of him. So the only thing I knew to do was walk away-for the sake of saving myself and him getting help because I wouldn't be there.
*Continuation on Sunday night, 6/26/2005 at 10:43 pm.
I think others felt this way. That maybe this would be the saving grace for him to finally wake up and really find himself. To begin loving himself and therein love another "whole"fully. I prayed that if nothing else came out of me breaking up with him, that it would become an opportunity for him to finally get the help he needed. I obviously wasn't helping him (which all of you know-I have this great desire to help resolve the emotional hurt in people), so it was best that I went away. / I will always have a love in my heart for him. They say that is true for everyone's first "true" love. / If I never hear from him again I want him to know how much I loved him. And that although sometimes you wish that someone would pine over you, I wish him the best in life and that he finds happiness. I still have so much regard and faith in him as I have always held from the first time we met on the shore of the bay. I have faith in that beautiful giving spirit I have seen lying in his heart. I know that one day he will use that love to help people, because he has always had a gift in relating to anyone he meets. I have faith in the intelligence I always revered in him. One day he will use his talents to do what makes him happy-either it be that next great american novel or a new computer program. I have faith in the "little Christ" that he has hidden in his heart too long. I think he felt that in college that his faith in Christ eventually hurt those close to him.........but that's not it. I have seen a lot of people blessed by his holy spirit. I just wish he wouldn't run away from that which is written on the tablets of his heart. And I have faith in those strong hands I always loved. That one day he will work to help build someone else up and work to help those less fortunate. And that one day he will hold a child he created and feel love. / I guess that's all I know to say....is that I will always love you in that innocense which is laid upon those you havely truly cared about in life.....and that I do pray for you........and hope that you are resolving the confusion that was in you when I had to walk away. Everything is in God's hands....as I believe it should be. I pray for myself that He will help me to begin to find the faith that I once had......and that I will learn patience in finding someone that will love me in everyway I should be loved. And i pray that God fashions in me a love that I can share with someone one day. For now, I must discover what my life is all about. So just pray that I will find peace through my heart and through Christ. Take care...
A good song to end this on....funny, sometimes I feel like Morrissey is singing this to me....hmph, maybe he is.
My love, wherever you are
whatever you are
don't lose faith
I know it's gonna happen someday
to you
You say that the day just never arrives
and it's never seemed so far away
still, I know it's gonna happen someday
to you.
-Morrissey
