The Lovelorn Never Sleep...

I am so tired all of the time. I have the hardest time getting to sleep and waking up. This has been going on for months........ I feel like I have the "City of Angels" syndrome; that I'll never get a full nights rest until I lay down with someone's arm around me. Making me feel like I'm not alone, that I'm safe, that I'm loved, and that no matter what dilemmas I'm dealing with (job, money, worry, sadness...) that someone is there to go through it with me. It's not that I just want anyone there holding on to me....my heart isn't shallow in its desire for love. I don't miss Matthew because he was just someone there in my life.....I miss him because I still have memories of when we were happy. When he was happy being in love with me and I loved him. I know I talk about it all the time here, but bare with me........... It's taking me so long to stop missing him and stop wondering if I'll make it through. .....still dream about him almost every night. He was very prominent last night. I dreamt that I was out shopping in a store and he showed up turning the corner. I was in shock and didn't know what to do. He seemed happy to see me but happy without me.....that he had gotten over me and was getting on with his life. I was devastated and felt hurt.........but......oh, I don't know. Needless to say I didn't sleep well last night either.

Devestation....

I'm devestated to check cnn.com ever so often through out the day and see the death toll rise due to the Tsunami Sunday. Right now they are reporting 56,029 as the over all death toll.......only to rise. If you are trying to find a way to help here are some groups you can donations to. Also, pray for these people (those who are suffering from the crisis and those going to volunteer).

Click on the web link below to see the international aid organizations posted by cnn.com.
http://www.cnn.com/2004/WORLD/asiapcf/12/28/tsunami.aidsites/index.html

The Birthday Girl Gives Herself a Hug.....

Well, my birth-day is coming to a close. It has been a quiet and pleasant day. I overslept because my body told my brain to hit snooze all morning. Some of you know I've been struggling with getting rest during the week due to restlessness and dreams about a boy throughout the night. So I sleep a lot on Saturday and Sunday mornings. I finally got out of the apartment around 4:00 pm and spent a nice 30 - 45 minutes at Best Buy. The girls at work (they drive me crazy but can be nice sometimes) gave me a giftcard. I was so excited because I never really have any money to spend on myself. Plus, I am way behind on music. I took my time and picked out Elliott Smith's "From a Basement On The Hill", Interpol's "Antics", and Pedro the Lion's "Achilles Heel". Then I bought myself Sophia Coppolla's film "Lost in Translation". I then swung by Lek's and picked up some Double Shrimp roll sushi and Green curry beef and headed over to my married friend's home. We watched a movie and I got to see the new Sims/Urbs game. I eventually came home because the head-ache I've had all day is still with me. But all in all it was a nice day. The past few birthdays have been pretty dramatic....so a slow, quiet day was nice. Everyone has been so loving and nice and I think I got the most birthday wishes this year than I ever have.

I am now 28....wow. For some reason I have a feeling it is going to be a great year. Whoa, did those words come out of my personal pessimistic mouth?! ha. But yeah, it feels like it is going to be a good year. And for some reason I feel like I have God rooting me on...... I'm going to make it after all. Eventhough I have a lot of things to think about and decisions to make this year, I feel that it will all work out for the best.

I love you all. Be peaceful and give someone a hug this weekend to show them you are grateful for their friendship and trust.

peace,
cindy

How Well Do You Think You Know Me? (quiz)

http://www.quizyourfriends.com/yourquiz.php?quizname=041216194635-702204

Timeline For a Complex Girl

- A lot of stores are starting to offer "Self-Checkout". One reason I don't like this idea is because simply put, it is intimidating. Another reason is that I want to go through a checkout line and see a real person. With me losing my job in the next 1.5 months, I'd rather choose the option to go through a regular line so that someone else won't lose their job too....

-My Christmas tree is up. Hooray! I'll have to celebrate some early Christmas festivities this weekend by baking something and watching A Nightmare Before Christmas. Can you believe that I have never seen this movie?!

-My birthday is this Saturday...... Wow. I'll be 28. If anyone has known me for a while they know that I have a theory from when I was a child. Little girls often like to play house and daydream about who they will marry, where they will live, and how old they will be when they get married. All of my friends would say 20-24, but for some reason the number 28 always popped into my mind. So this weekend begins the humorous journey of my 28th year of life.............let's see what happens, maybe Mr. Right will be revealed to me......ha, I wish (grins).

-Work is getting really crazy for me. Please pray for me in deciding what to do over the next few months.......

-For the first time (last Saturday night) I prayed to God to help me 'let go' of someone. I have been praying about this off and on the past 6 months, but wasn't being honest with myself I guess. I would pray, "God please help me get through this difficult time" or "God please reassure me that I did the right thing." The thing is that I DID the right thing, but I have continued to hold onto my heartache, my past disappointments, good and bad times, if He has gotten over me and if so 'why?', etc. But I finally asked God to help me let it all go............... I knew this was something I needed to finally be honest with myself on, but also I owed it to whomever I will finally end up with. I can't bare the thought of being with someone else with unresolved feelings still there for Him. I had to deal with that for the first 2 years of our relationship. So, I know how painful that can be on someone.......

-I finally finished Blue Like Jazz by Don Miller. I am now re-reading the first three books of the "Series of Unfortunate Events" by Lemony Snicket. This is in preparation to see the film this weekend. I am so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love you guys. Be peaceful and give peace to others. Good night......

Dante's Inferno Quiz....

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very High
Level 2 (Lustful)	Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Low
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Low
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Very Low

Take the Dante's" Inferno Hell Test

Getting ready to leave to see Sara, Kurt, and their son Luke in Tuscaloosa.

Break-ups......any advice would be well taken.
1) How long did it take you to get over a serious break-up?
2) Were you the the person broke up with, or the initiator of the break-up?
3) What symptoms did you suffer from (lack of sleep, thinking about them everyday, eating habits...)?
etc, etc, etc........

I'm still having a hard time; maybe because I've hit six months and I'm right in the middle of job despair and the Christmas holidays.
Let me know your thoughts.

Time

(listening to Fold Zandura, self-titled)

It's been 6 months now......from when I walked away. My heart still hurts, I still have dreams about him, I still wonder if he's over me, if I screwed up by breaking up with him. I still feel hurt by the things he did. I still feel happy over the times he treated me right........... I just feel a lot right now. I know that it was time for me to walk away.....I just hope that God can heal my heart.......and that there is someone out there for me. Someone for me to love and to be loved by......... Sometimes I wonder, "who could like me? I'm so awkward and peculiar.", but I guess that I should see myself as special and deserving of love. I'll just continue to pray that I will heal so that if that day comes I will feel complete and not toss my baggage in for the ride....

God please heal my broken heart........ and take care of his............

The Warhol Effect

Matt told me once that he knew who I was in terms of being artistic........a Warhol. Not because of my artistic style but because the way in which I went about my art. The need for a social environment to work in and to share my art with. I never push things across the table to people. I would much rather them ask me what I'm currently working on (on their own initiative). I started tearing up tonight when I and a friend talked a little about art; ways people try to get out of the slump. It seems like a lot of people give me ideas when all I really want is someone to share my art with. I guess that's when I always say, "oh, I wish Docia, or Ingrid, or really any of my friends from college were here......", just because we all took interest in each other's spirit (spiritual and/or artistic). I just want someone to share a discussion with or talk about what I'm currently working on...........sadly I'm usually not working on anything artistic. But I know that conversing with people more than I do now would inspire me. I used to sit at bookstores with friends for an hour or two and put out a complete drawing in one sitting. Taking in the smells, the music in my headphones, the expressions on my friends faces as they read or talked about something.................

So herein lies the Andy Warhol effect. Andy was well known for having people in his studio all the time either it be models, friends, fellow artists, or dear Bruno. I just don't have that and so I am uninspired. It sucks....... I'm not blaming anyone....it's probably all my fault.......

Matt used to try in his own way to encourage me artistically when in reality he was missing the point. There were so many times he would rant and rave about a friend or a friend's friend who was an artist. I remember him going bananas about a friend of a friend who had a few paintings in a gallery locally. He wanted a few of us to invest money into the painting and then we could all trade out the painting from home to home monthly. What an awesome idea, to share art and encourage the artist. But ofcourse I had to stand there hearing him talk about it for weeks with friends and the man who owned the gallery, when there I was (his girlfriend) wanting to paint something so badly. But I just felt like Matt didn't know what I needed (an encouraging community of friends to share ideas with and a boyfriend who took pride in his girlfriend's talent). Yes, he did try on and off to help me and I would get upset or cry, so I can't blame him for getting discouraged. But mostly it was because he would try to find tasks for me to do to get me back into the swing of painting (paint based on a song, set a time limit, focus on a particular mood).........when all I really needed was him to love me, hug me, and discuss life and art with me. That would have inspired me beyond belief. But I never felt like my ideas or artistic thoughts were good enough. Mostly, because he ooh'ed and ah'ed over other people while I felt unimportant. Whoa, I just went on a tangent. Sorry about that............. I guess that I've really been dealing with a lot of hurt lately over Matt and the art thing brought up some of these emotions.
Maybe I'll know who my missing piece is when I meet someone that encourages me spiritually and artistically and feels the same encouragement from me in the areas they need help in........

I just feel lonely and misunderstood. Plus, sometimes I don't feel like people are open enough...............and that's what I need the most in friendships........ Sometimes people say, "Oh Cindy, I never knew that about you.....or about that thing in your life", and I just reply that it's because no one really talks anymore. Sometimes things are so surface even when you've known people for years. I really want to know someone. I want to know the stupid little things they love and hate, their concerns, their silliness, their background....not just how their day was at work. I just hope that my friends know that I want to know them and that they can talk to me about anything. Life passes so quickly for us not to have community together and enjoy each other's spirits...... sigh.

Getting To Know You...

1.) What time is it now? 10:21 pm
2.) Name as it appears on birth certificate? Cindy Ann Sullivan
3.) Nickname? Cindar the Barbarian, Cindy Lou, Cinna-min-a-buns.
4.) Number of candles on your last birthday cake? I don't think I had a cake last year.....
5.) Hair color: Auburn.
6.) Piercings: 3 right ear, 4 left ear
7.) With actual jewelry in it now? zero, but I usually wear 2-3 earrings
8.) Eye color: Brown.
9.) Hometown: Dothan, AL
10.) Current Town/City: Montgomery, AL
11) Favorite Food: Thai food (green beef curry).
12.) Ever been to Africa: No.
13.) Ever been toilet papering? Yes, back in highschool. It was initiation into our church's youth group.
14.) Love someone so much it made you cry? Yes. Still do sometimes.
15.) Been in a car accident? No.
16.) Croutons or bacon bits? Croutons.
17.) Favorite day of the week: Friday.
18.) Favorite restaurants: Lek's Taste of Thailand, PF Changs, Olive Garden.
19.) Favorite flowers: Daisies, Tulips, and Irises.
20.) Favorite sport to watch: Soccer.
21.) Favorite drink: Coffee, Tea, Arizona and Sobe green tea, Water.
22.) Favorite ice cream flavor? Coffee, Cookie Dough.
23.) Disney or Warner Bros? Disney. But only the non-cartoon stuff like The Ugly Dachsund, etc.....
24.) Favorite fast food restaurant? Taco Bell, Chic-fil-a.
25.) What color is your bedroom carpet? Dirty Taupe.
26.) How many times did you fail your driver's test? Zero.
27.) Before this one, who sent you an email? Joy Electric mailing list.
28.) Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Hmm, any cool music store, Utrecht Art Supply, or some high-end fashion shop (<---I can dream can't I?!).
29.) What do you do most often when you are bored? Watch senseless amounts of television.
30.) Bedtime? 11:30 pm, but lately I've been having a hard time going to sleep.
31.) Favorite TV shows? Felicity, America's Next Top Model, Project Runway, any medical show on TLC, Long Way Round (Ewan McGregor and his friend's motorbike trip across Europe and America).
32.) Favorite movie of all time? too many.....
33.) The Last person you went out to dinner with: My family at Thanksgiving.
34.) Ford or Chevy? Honda.
35.) What are you listening to right now? Velvet Blue Music radio.
36.) What is your favorite color? Purple.
37.) How many tattoos do you have? None, but when I get married (hopefully one day) I want to create a tattoo for my husband and I to get together.