Matt told me once that he knew who I was in terms of being artistic........a Warhol. Not because of my artistic style but because the way in which I went about my art. The need for a social environment to work in and to share my art with. I never push things across the table to people. I would much rather them ask me what I'm currently working on (on their own initiative). I started tearing up tonight when I and a friend talked a little about art; ways people try to get out of the slump. It seems like a lot of people give me ideas when all I really want is someone to share my art with. I guess that's when I always say, "oh, I wish Docia, or Ingrid, or really any of my friends from college were here......", just because we all took interest in each other's spirit (spiritual and/or artistic). I just want someone to share a discussion with or talk about what I'm currently working on...........sadly I'm usually not working on anything artistic. But I know that conversing with people more than I do now would inspire me. I used to sit at bookstores with friends for an hour or two and put out a complete drawing in one sitting. Taking in the smells, the music in my headphones, the expressions on my friends faces as they read or talked about something.................
So herein lies the Andy Warhol effect. Andy was well known for having people in his studio all the time either it be models, friends, fellow artists, or dear Bruno. I just don't have that and so I am uninspired. It sucks....... I'm not blaming anyone....it's probably all my fault.......
Matt used to try in his own way to encourage me artistically when in reality he was missing the point. There were so many times he would rant and rave about a friend or a friend's friend who was an artist. I remember him going bananas about a friend of a friend who had a few paintings in a gallery locally. He wanted a few of us to invest money into the painting and then we could all trade out the painting from home to home monthly. What an awesome idea, to share art and encourage the artist. But ofcourse I had to stand there hearing him talk about it for weeks with friends and the man who owned the gallery, when there I was (his girlfriend) wanting to paint something so badly. But I just felt like Matt didn't know what I needed (an encouraging community of friends to share ideas with and a boyfriend who took pride in his girlfriend's talent). Yes, he did try on and off to help me and I would get upset or cry, so I can't blame him for getting discouraged. But mostly it was because he would try to find tasks for me to do to get me back into the swing of painting (paint based on a song, set a time limit, focus on a particular mood).........when all I really needed was him to love me, hug me, and discuss life and art with me. That would have inspired me beyond belief. But I never felt like my ideas or artistic thoughts were good enough. Mostly, because he ooh'ed and ah'ed over other people while I felt unimportant. Whoa, I just went on a tangent. Sorry about that............. I guess that I've really been dealing with a lot of hurt lately over Matt and the art thing brought up some of these emotions.
Maybe I'll know who my missing piece is when I meet someone that encourages me spiritually and artistically and feels the same encouragement from me in the areas they need help in........
I just feel lonely and misunderstood. Plus, sometimes I don't feel like people are open enough...............and that's what I need the most in friendships........ Sometimes people say, "Oh Cindy, I never knew that about you.....or about that thing in your life", and I just reply that it's because no one really talks anymore. Sometimes things are so surface even when you've known people for years. I really want to know someone. I want to know the stupid little things they love and hate, their concerns, their silliness, their background....not just how their day was at work. I just hope that my friends know that I want to know them and that they can talk to me about anything. Life passes so quickly for us not to have community together and enjoy each other's spirits...... sigh.
1 comment:
i often think back to the days at mobile and some of my favorite times were hanging out with you in the good ol' art room. a couple of weeks ago, we had a member of our church paint during the service and the sermon just to demonstrate a different way to worship because worship has been the topic of sermons for the past few weeks. the way the artist thought of his paintings in terms of bible verses reminded me of you because i remember talking with you about the verses you'd write on the canvas before painting and why you chose those verses. i also remember the insane hours of the night that i would be up there with you talking and getting introduced to a band that i'd previously never heard before and deciding to go to krispie kreme for a break and coffee. i truly miss those days and your close friendship because i felt that for those years in college we got to be pretty close. maybe not as close as you were with others but it meant alot to me. anyway, i just wanted to let you know that if i were around, i'd hang out with you in the art room and just talk and watch and listen to the music of fairly unknown independent bands and that i truly do miss those nights in mr. clark's art room.
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