Getting ready to leave to see Sara, Kurt, and their son Luke in Tuscaloosa.
Break-ups......any advice would be well taken.
1) How long did it take you to get over a serious break-up?
2) Were you the the person broke up with, or the initiator of the break-up?
3) What symptoms did you suffer from (lack of sleep, thinking about them everyday, eating habits...)?
etc, etc, etc........
I'm still having a hard time; maybe because I've hit six months and I'm right in the middle of job despair and the Christmas holidays.
Let me know your thoughts.
Friday, December 10, 2004
Sunday, December 05, 2004
Time
(listening to Fold Zandura, self-titled)
It's been 6 months now......from when I walked away. My heart still hurts, I still have dreams about him, I still wonder if he's over me, if I screwed up by breaking up with him. I still feel hurt by the things he did. I still feel happy over the times he treated me right........... I just feel a lot right now. I know that it was time for me to walk away.....I just hope that God can heal my heart.......and that there is someone out there for me. Someone for me to love and to be loved by......... Sometimes I wonder, "who could like me? I'm so awkward and peculiar.", but I guess that I should see myself as special and deserving of love. I'll just continue to pray that I will heal so that if that day comes I will feel complete and not toss my baggage in for the ride....
God please heal my broken heart........ and take care of his............
It's been 6 months now......from when I walked away. My heart still hurts, I still have dreams about him, I still wonder if he's over me, if I screwed up by breaking up with him. I still feel hurt by the things he did. I still feel happy over the times he treated me right........... I just feel a lot right now. I know that it was time for me to walk away.....I just hope that God can heal my heart.......and that there is someone out there for me. Someone for me to love and to be loved by......... Sometimes I wonder, "who could like me? I'm so awkward and peculiar.", but I guess that I should see myself as special and deserving of love. I'll just continue to pray that I will heal so that if that day comes I will feel complete and not toss my baggage in for the ride....
God please heal my broken heart........ and take care of his............
The Warhol Effect
Matt told me once that he knew who I was in terms of being artistic........a Warhol. Not because of my artistic style but because the way in which I went about my art. The need for a social environment to work in and to share my art with. I never push things across the table to people. I would much rather them ask me what I'm currently working on (on their own initiative). I started tearing up tonight when I and a friend talked a little about art; ways people try to get out of the slump. It seems like a lot of people give me ideas when all I really want is someone to share my art with. I guess that's when I always say, "oh, I wish Docia, or Ingrid, or really any of my friends from college were here......", just because we all took interest in each other's spirit (spiritual and/or artistic). I just want someone to share a discussion with or talk about what I'm currently working on...........sadly I'm usually not working on anything artistic. But I know that conversing with people more than I do now would inspire me. I used to sit at bookstores with friends for an hour or two and put out a complete drawing in one sitting. Taking in the smells, the music in my headphones, the expressions on my friends faces as they read or talked about something.................
So herein lies the Andy Warhol effect. Andy was well known for having people in his studio all the time either it be models, friends, fellow artists, or dear Bruno. I just don't have that and so I am uninspired. It sucks....... I'm not blaming anyone....it's probably all my fault.......
Matt used to try in his own way to encourage me artistically when in reality he was missing the point. There were so many times he would rant and rave about a friend or a friend's friend who was an artist. I remember him going bananas about a friend of a friend who had a few paintings in a gallery locally. He wanted a few of us to invest money into the painting and then we could all trade out the painting from home to home monthly. What an awesome idea, to share art and encourage the artist. But ofcourse I had to stand there hearing him talk about it for weeks with friends and the man who owned the gallery, when there I was (his girlfriend) wanting to paint something so badly. But I just felt like Matt didn't know what I needed (an encouraging community of friends to share ideas with and a boyfriend who took pride in his girlfriend's talent). Yes, he did try on and off to help me and I would get upset or cry, so I can't blame him for getting discouraged. But mostly it was because he would try to find tasks for me to do to get me back into the swing of painting (paint based on a song, set a time limit, focus on a particular mood).........when all I really needed was him to love me, hug me, and discuss life and art with me. That would have inspired me beyond belief. But I never felt like my ideas or artistic thoughts were good enough. Mostly, because he ooh'ed and ah'ed over other people while I felt unimportant. Whoa, I just went on a tangent. Sorry about that............. I guess that I've really been dealing with a lot of hurt lately over Matt and the art thing brought up some of these emotions.
Maybe I'll know who my missing piece is when I meet someone that encourages me spiritually and artistically and feels the same encouragement from me in the areas they need help in........
I just feel lonely and misunderstood. Plus, sometimes I don't feel like people are open enough...............and that's what I need the most in friendships........ Sometimes people say, "Oh Cindy, I never knew that about you.....or about that thing in your life", and I just reply that it's because no one really talks anymore. Sometimes things are so surface even when you've known people for years. I really want to know someone. I want to know the stupid little things they love and hate, their concerns, their silliness, their background....not just how their day was at work. I just hope that my friends know that I want to know them and that they can talk to me about anything. Life passes so quickly for us not to have community together and enjoy each other's spirits...... sigh.
So herein lies the Andy Warhol effect. Andy was well known for having people in his studio all the time either it be models, friends, fellow artists, or dear Bruno. I just don't have that and so I am uninspired. It sucks....... I'm not blaming anyone....it's probably all my fault.......
Matt used to try in his own way to encourage me artistically when in reality he was missing the point. There were so many times he would rant and rave about a friend or a friend's friend who was an artist. I remember him going bananas about a friend of a friend who had a few paintings in a gallery locally. He wanted a few of us to invest money into the painting and then we could all trade out the painting from home to home monthly. What an awesome idea, to share art and encourage the artist. But ofcourse I had to stand there hearing him talk about it for weeks with friends and the man who owned the gallery, when there I was (his girlfriend) wanting to paint something so badly. But I just felt like Matt didn't know what I needed (an encouraging community of friends to share ideas with and a boyfriend who took pride in his girlfriend's talent). Yes, he did try on and off to help me and I would get upset or cry, so I can't blame him for getting discouraged. But mostly it was because he would try to find tasks for me to do to get me back into the swing of painting (paint based on a song, set a time limit, focus on a particular mood).........when all I really needed was him to love me, hug me, and discuss life and art with me. That would have inspired me beyond belief. But I never felt like my ideas or artistic thoughts were good enough. Mostly, because he ooh'ed and ah'ed over other people while I felt unimportant. Whoa, I just went on a tangent. Sorry about that............. I guess that I've really been dealing with a lot of hurt lately over Matt and the art thing brought up some of these emotions.
Maybe I'll know who my missing piece is when I meet someone that encourages me spiritually and artistically and feels the same encouragement from me in the areas they need help in........
I just feel lonely and misunderstood. Plus, sometimes I don't feel like people are open enough...............and that's what I need the most in friendships........ Sometimes people say, "Oh Cindy, I never knew that about you.....or about that thing in your life", and I just reply that it's because no one really talks anymore. Sometimes things are so surface even when you've known people for years. I really want to know someone. I want to know the stupid little things they love and hate, their concerns, their silliness, their background....not just how their day was at work. I just hope that my friends know that I want to know them and that they can talk to me about anything. Life passes so quickly for us not to have community together and enjoy each other's spirits...... sigh.