.....if it were only that easy.
Do you ever pray and not really know who, or what, you are praying to anymore? Well, that's been my predicament for a year or two now. Between the year after I graduated college (2000) and 2003 I could feel the faith inside my heart and my mind slowly fading. It wasn't too bad because I still knew it was there and had the hope that my faith would eventually regenerate and all would be ok within a few years. But I never thought that after five years I would still be fading- and from 2004 up to today I have come to a point where I question everyday if I even believe in God/Christ anymore. / As I tried to pray tonight I thought to myself that there must be something inside of me because of me crying. It's just that I never thought going into my fifth year of this spell that I would still feel nothing. No faith, no belief, etc. Like my faith in Christ is just some amnesiac memory of myself that pops up in my head for just a hint and then goes away-leaving me to question who in the world I was when I used to believe and how I got to this point of losing that part of myself. All I knew to say while praying about some major stuff I'm dealing with at work was, "I don't know if you're real anymore God but if you are please hear me."
When I went for a spell of counseling a few years ago my counselor talked about how interesting my situation was. She said that usually people go through their questioning/doubting stage during their early twenties. Then by my age they come to a true faith in God. But she noticed that in my case that my faith was unquestionable during my early twenties and now I'm going through the doubting phase.
What makes me angry is that I thought I would be through with this by now! That I would have resolution and be in that place within my heart where I believe that God is real and that what is in the Bible is truth and not some script. I can sit here and blame things that have happened over the past 4-5 years that have brought me to this point of spiritual desolation, but then I think that it's all my fault and that I can't put the blame on other people. That it's my fault that I have become what I have in terms of not really believing anymore. I know I have been really tested since 2000 by being surrounded by drugs, alcohol, sex, overly liberal views, being teased about my more conservative morals, not having that core group of people I can relate with spiritually. But although I have stuck to my guns on most of these things, I still have failed and feel as if it is all my fault. But really there is nothing I can do....I've tried reading my Bible, I've tried praying, I've tried reading Christian based texts, I've tried attending different churches within Chrisitianity........but nothing has worked. It's as if I feel like I'm paralyzed. I look at my legs to move.....I use my mind, my strength, my will.....but nothing happens.......my legs just sit there. I feel like nothing can be done.
Last night I looked out my window and saw the trees rustling and felt that I knew there is more to what we see, hear, and taste. There is something beyond ourselves, that being God-Christ-and the Holy Spirit, and all that we think we are. But just like I said earlier, the amnesia strikes again and a few minutes later I say in my head, "Well that was nice. A little moment of thinking God is still real. now on to other things.......", and my mind slips off. Deep down inside I know there is more than this life. When I think about how babies are formed vein by vein within their mother's womb. When i watch nature and animals. When I think about the intricacy of our minds and emotions. It makes sensse to me that there is something greater than ourselves and all of our possessions, having to make a living, etc. But I just can't get myself to "feel". / Sometimes I start to think that if God is real, that he will eventually punish me in some way for me thinking that I don't believe in him anymore. But oh if I could make myself not doubt I would cure this illness within me immediately! Because I hate this dead feeling inside of me, and it seriously does feel like I'm ill. Being eaten away by some spiritual sickness from within. When will it stop and I be cured?