And She Closed Her Eyes

Tonight has been really rough on me. I've worked really hard the past two years to try and keep my emotions in check. Read a little, visited a counselor some, learned to love and respect myself more, and not cry while alone. Crying alone is the worst. It's easier on you when you are crying for someone else......maybe you're making prayers to God for someone else's woes or a solemn weep from a movie you've watched or the state of the world today. But crying alone due to your own dismay is the worst. It's lonely and turns into a endless cycle of sadness. Well, I slipped up and cried alone tonight. I've done really well about not crying a lot (except for a slip up with an old friend on the phone and tonight laying in my bedroom). My break-up two months ago really gets me upset sometimes. The questions of 'did I do the right thing', 'did I express love the best I could', 'will I ever see this person again', 'am I doomed to be alone and unloved relationship-wise' roll in your mind and torture your heart. I haven't slept well either over the past two months. I have been dreaming a lot, tossing and turning, heart-ache abounding. I feel like I truly have a broken heart....not only because I have felt hurt in a relationship but because I have placed hurt upon someone else by having to walk away.

The worst feeling to me is someone not feeling like you love them, no matter how hard you try to express it. I just want everyone to feel loved I guess and I sometimes forget to love myself in the meantime.

I pray for love and joy to be upon your hearts tonight. No matter how lonely you feel or how upset you are about making the right choices........know that you can make it. And I pray that I can remember that too.

(Ingrid called midway through this entry. Thank goodness! I had originally called her to chit-chat about life and find out how her vocal practices are going. -she will be singing at a Bay Bears baseball game at the end of the month; I'm so excited about getting to see her perform- But when she called me back I was boo-hoo city. She reaffirmed how I felt about things and encouraged me to be strong and keep hope. I'm so lucky to have the friends that I have.)

Sleep well,
Cindy