Sunday------August 1, 2004-----2:27 pm

So here I am. Sitting in my car at the Montgomery museum of art parking lot. It's my favorite weather right now, parked under a tree--orange, yellow, red, and brown leaves trashed all over the ground. Wind is blowing continuously through the car (all four windows down)...sky is gray with excerts of blue, clouds piled upon each other just past the green hills across the way. Listening to Damien Jurado's 1997-Waters Ave. S. album. I've been able to listen to my old cds again. I felt so guilty trying to listen to them while I was with someone--not because of his doing--but because hearing old music would get me drpressed; thinking about who I used to be, my friends, and how close I felt to God. I miss all three--but hopefully I am becoming a new creation. I hate how artificial and fairytale Christianity feels to me now. I don't want it to be that way, but the worries and wearing away of the world upon me over the past few years has stripped me of that deep faith I used to have. I hate reading the bible and feeling like I'm reading a fiction book you'd pick up at the local B/N. It's like the despondent of this world have stuck a needle to my eye and inserted some solution, making everything I see and read of the "holy" misunderstandable and blurry. I hate debating if God is real, if I just hold on to the hope of faith for nothing. It's funny what the demons sitting beside you can make you believe (or disbelieve). It's like I have to start from square-1 again.

Things I experience that cannot allow me to let go of belief of God...
1) Him telling me to let go of someone.
2) watching the birth of life (either human or animal) when I watch medical shows on tv.
3) creativity...
4) having a peace, although I slip up at times and get sad, for two months of letting someone go.
5) the exploration of saturn & mars that I keep up with on cnn online. How could something so magnificent happen without God creating it?!
5) the spiritual connection I feel with certain people.

I pray that I'll survive and find that faith I used to have---or a new level of faith I could not imagine. For now I hope...that God will plant things and people in my life to remind me He's working on me. To get me back to life and breath in me a beautifully complex and faith based life----and feeling whole again.
Amen,
-cindy-