Today has felt better than the past few weeks........

I was feeling really sick last night (either illness or sadness, I'm not sure) so I stayed in. That's not very surprising since I haven't gone out anywhere besides Friday nights with my friends or getting out of town. It's like I just can't get the faith in myself raised enough to feel hopeful and be around people in stores, people drinking coffee discussing and laughing, couples holding hands........so I've stayed in my tiny apartment for about 2 1/2 months. (Yeah, I know..........pity-pot) Well, I was going to get out last night and purchase George Orwell's 1984. I have been listening to Our Lady Peace's 'Spiritual Machines' and it's helped me get into the mood to finally read 1984. I used to have a copy but it has taken missing somehow. Well, due to feeling really bad I just stayed home. This worked out anyway because I wanted to catch a special on VH1 about the first troops to be stationed in Iraq. They have been over there the longest. The special focused on the music they listen to over there to either get them motivated for their missions, to keep their hopes up, etc. It was a beautiful thing to watch knowing what these guys are dealing with over there and understanding how much music can mean in a persons life.

Well, just watching the guys on tv and the emails my brother has sent the family really made me look at my attitude. I'm suffering from a broken heart but there are people dying over there. People missing their families, their wives and husbands, their children........... And I sit here moping, sitting in my own discontent, asking 'why me?' when I take a look at the state of my heart................... Love is a beautiful thing but love also has really disappointed me, but I have hope in love. Today just felt different because I knew there were bigger things than my heartache. There are people on the streets without shelter, children being abused, people losing lives, people without hope, rape, anger, greed, war, pain............... and I sit sad and depressed because I feel like I have lost my soul-mate. What I fail to realize in my situation is that I loved with all that I had and more...but I can't make everything better on my own. A relationship is two people and when I look back I was loving honestly and deeply. And that's all I can do. I've got to realize that I can't fix everything. It's not always my fault the way things pan out... I'm tired of blaming myself.

I don't know how things should be over in Iraq, if we should be over there or not. I just wish that people could love and respect each other and value each other's feelings and lives. I pray that peace and love will overflow into all of the nations. We all fight and argue so much, between nations, between families, in our relationships.....but there is more to life. Each day of our life passes and we continue to argue and fight........

I pray for a sense of peace to flow over our hearts tonight and for my soul to be revived, because we are all worth more...................................................including me.

goodnight.