Heartache and Arguments Dance In My Head...

You might notice that my post from Sunday night is now missing. I felt very vulnerable about what I posted so I decided to delete it..........

Still having a hard time getting sleep. I dream every night about life and relationships. ******* left his last voicemail message last Friday letting me know that he would not call me anymore. I feel bad that I have not returned any of his calls since the end of June, but there's nothing more that I can say. I have said it all and it seems like he would know what is hurting me and what made me break up with him. He said that I should just tell him what I want, I thought that I had done this in an email I sent on his birthday. He has to get himself together before I can talk with him. Through our whole relationship I would let my heart rule above my mind, but this time it's like my mind made up for being shut down for so long. Sometimes I don't know why I can't talk to him or why I won't get out because I'll fear that I'll see him around town. I guess because my heart is broken. It's been broken year after year and my mind wasn't going to sit back and let me take it anymore. Either that or God took control of me and told me that the best thing to do was to walk away. It hurts so much, but it's the same hurt I felt while with him.

God please help me get through this. This has been one of the most difficult things I have had to do. I do miss ******* but I don't miss what our relationship became (or who he became) during the last two months of us dating. Some days I know that I've done the right thing by forcing myself to walk away and somedays the fear that I have let go of all that we had built crushes me down.........