(drinking chamomile mint tea and listening to Death Cab for Cutie's album 'something about airplanes')
I have been very melancholy lately, but very silly and funny at the same time. (sips some hot tea, sigh yum) I've been drinking tea at night the past couple of days. It's a comfort to me because this is something I used to enjoy all the time. In this I pray and hope that I'm feeling myself again, if I ever did before all of 'this beautiful mess'. Autumn lingers in the air as it hits the little hairs along my arms and tosses my hair past my eyes while crossing the streets on the walk to work. I miss being outside with people. People like to be inside a lot here, but I have been grateful for my outside excursions with Monica (especially picture taking). I miss sleeping on friend's couches while they go about their business. In this way I feel like a feline. It's something that started in college in the girl's dorm. We attended a Southern Baptist college and co-ed was not in our vocabulary besides the occasional open dorm when the guys could hang. But, I loved to fall asleep on my room-mate's beds. Yeah, I'm weird. But I love to fall asleep while listening to people go about their business (typing papers late at night, laughing at a movie, writing, reading, making something creative). Plus, I always thought that the most beautiful thing and the best time to see who someone truly is (stripped away from all the drama of life and worries) is when you see someone sleeping. That's when all of the innocence from when someone was a child shows through. I think it's a beautiful thing. So I've been feeling that way lately, "Don't mind me guys while I nap while you play Halo". I love the feeling of community....people cooking out, watching movies, sitting around reading, or making something creative. I miss that so much and haven't had it for a while. I miss trips to Barnes and Noble or a coffee shop and not having to talk. Just reading, writing, trading quotes, people watching........(Docia and Ingrid can account to this)
Plus, Autumn is difficult because that is the romantic and nostalgic time for me. Most people say Spring, but nothing is better than a chill in the air and thoughts of poetry and music running in your mind. I miss having someone but I know that what I am experiencing is for the best.
musical pause from Death Cab...."Sleep Spent" gorgeous song
i can't expel the truth
it's much more than i thought i could do
and with time my worth will stain
and split your heart from my name...
so drive away your mouth from my ears
and waste a day so i can think clearly
and what's left to wait for here
as my hands sleep spent this last year
choking the bottle's neck that pulled you from my bed
Sometimes I wonder why I had to struggle through a long relationship that I had so much hope and love in.....and now I'm alone. Don't think I'm whining...I can deal, my first boyfriend was when I was 21. I had never dated, kissed, gone to a dance with a boy i liked, etc....... And then my past relationship lasted 5 years. So I tell myself I can make it if I didn't have someone until I was 21. / A lot of times people pray that God is creating that right person for them and at the right time they will come along. But something has been really sticking in my head lately (holy spirit?), that in actuality God needs to be preparing me for that someone. That there is some guy out there who deserves love and someone that is real........and this time is for God to prepare me to truly love someone and for that someone to honestly love me. No selfishness, no bitterness, no regrets........... So I don't know what is out there in terms of who I will end up with one day, but I do know that I need to be grateful for this time to take myself back and get to know 'me' again....so that I can truly love............ but darnit (ha), autumn will be tough to get through (sigh and a laugh at myself).
Faith is difficult for me right now. It's like I doubt it all now. I hate that and it hurts my heart. Yeah, I doubted in the past and studied other religions back in college. But in college you always knew it was safe because you had all the time in the world to discover, debate, and resolve. In the "real world" you have so much junk to deal with and there's no time to wonder innocently and hear the truth whispering to you. So pray that I will hear truth and come out of this desert ok.
I love all of you. I have really been thinking about people I love during my adventures with Monica in scrapbooking. I am finally doing something with all of those pictures from college. I love you guys!!!!! and I love you guys that are new to me (past 3-4 years). I am so grateful for each person I have shared a conversation, cup of coffee, late night boo-hoo session, and goofy kackle with. You are all so important to me.
-I pray for those who do not have a home tonight due to Hurrican Ivan. Please God take care of their hearts and needs and prepare us to help in any way we can.
-I pray for those kidnapped in Iraq. Please deliver them safely and create peace among all people, so that instead of threatening and hurting each other.....we can help, encourage, and love each other.
-I pray for children tonight that feel alone. Please Lord send them help and let them know that they are loved.
-Please Lord open all of our eyes to innocence and love. We all think we know so much when in reality we know so little.
*Please pray for my job. My direct supervisor has found a job and will leave 10/8. So I fear that my job might be cut even shorter.................
Love beauty tonight. And remember to love yourself. Goodnight.....
3 comments:
I know this will sound silly, but bear with me. You could scroll down now and ruin the surprise, but I think you'll know me when you read this post.
What you feel is familiar to me, like a strange scent in the air that reminds me of a time when I was a very different person. I know the cost of an autumn alone on the mind and heart. I spend more of them that way than most people think. I've had relationships now and again since my long, devoted one. But you know what?
I was wrong to have them. I was trying to create happiness from emptiness in myself. I was using someone else's hopes and dreams to try and complete a puzzle in me. It wasn't that I rushed in, although I did suffer through a time when I thought for certain that I would never in my life meet someone who would love me the way I loved them back.
There have only been two times that I felt an honest tug at my heart over someone. One I got engaged to and eventually lost. A funny thing happened on the way to happiness...
=There's no need to argue anymore.
=I gave all I could but it left me so sore.
=And the thing that makes me mad
=Was the one thing that I had
=I knew / I knew I'd lose you.
=You'll always be special to me / special to me.
...I have to stop listening to the Cranberries. They're killing me. I listen to this song a lot, especially in September and October. Autumn is my favorite season, even if it tears at me.
I remember the good times, and I'm sure you have as well, with the person with whom I was in love. It looks so cold in text. My problem with remembering those times is that when I think about them, I seem to magnify the distance. I feel as though I'm looking through the wrong end of the lens. By trying to keep those old memories close, I seem to be getting further and further away. It feels cold, now that I stop to think.
Lesson: remember the past, but don't live there.
And don't worry about doubt. Doubt is in human nature. It isn't evil, and it's not some wretched disorder of the soul. It's a defense mechanism used to ward off disappointment and quell fear. If it's in human nature and you believe in God, we have come to terms. God created us, ergo, God gave us doubt. It's a learning tool, and it's there for a reason. Doubt leads to hope.
Here something else: ever had friends tell you that someone will be lucky to have you? I know you have. You must have. If not, I'll say it now. Someone will be very lucky to have you someday. I've heard that a lot. Of course, I still haven't been awarded to anyone in the raffle of life. So, either my friends are lying to me, or it just isn't supposed to happen yet. So, I keep going.
Life is like (insert simile here). You can think whatever you want of it, but the joyous thing about life is that it goes on. This will sound odd coming from a card-carrying cynic, but every day brings with it possibilities. You don't know what will happen unless you live that day the best you can. At the end of today, tomorrow will begin. There are no endings, only beginnings.
Everyone goes through rough times. I think every day about how it feels to come home and sit down and listen to the rattle of an air conditioner and the noise of a TV and all the while, I hear echoes in my head. "You didn't do this today. You could have done this today. What if your special person was there and you missed them?" Were they there? I'll never know, so you know what? I doubt they were.
Defense one, destiny nothing.
I'm rambling. I'll get to the point (Hooray!). We all love you. We just don't say it often enough. When we say call anytime, we mean it. When we say you're welcome whenever, we mean it. And when we call you our friend, we mean that too.
#34
I agree with loving the fall. It's my favorite time of the year, too! I think back to trips on the band bus to away games, the Peanut Festival, getting to wear a carnigan (I love carnigans!), starting school, talking till the wee hours with friends on my parents's front porch, swinging on the swings at the pier at night, rolling the UM campus, roasting marshmellows on an illegal fire by the creek, and many other happy fall memories since graduation. Fall always brings up memories of friends and, yes, romance, but best of all the crispness of the air makes me feel alive. In this hurried, busy, fast-pace world I live in at the moment, it reminds me of the wonder of it all.
Cindy, I hate that I am not closer to be there as you heal from the past years, but I am so glad that you have decided to heal. With each blog I am encouraged that you are still going, still trudging along, and still fighting to regain the bits of you that have slipped away unknowlingly. I pray for you daily as I have for years, and I still treasure you as one of my dearest friends. Know that we all are cheering you on and are praying for your success in life - in the day to day of work and living and the moment by moment of believing God. We love you Cindy Ann!
With all this talk about autumn, I wish it would get cooler!!
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