The Lovelorn Never Sleep...

I am so tired all of the time. I have the hardest time getting to sleep and waking up. This has been going on for months........ I feel like I have the "City of Angels" syndrome; that I'll never get a full nights rest until I lay down with someone's arm around me. Making me feel like I'm not alone, that I'm safe, that I'm loved, and that no matter what dilemmas I'm dealing with (job, money, worry, sadness...) that someone is there to go through it with me. It's not that I just want anyone there holding on to me....my heart isn't shallow in its desire for love. I don't miss Matthew because he was just someone there in my life.....I miss him because I still have memories of when we were happy. When he was happy being in love with me and I loved him. I know I talk about it all the time here, but bare with me........... It's taking me so long to stop missing him and stop wondering if I'll make it through. .....still dream about him almost every night. He was very prominent last night. I dreamt that I was out shopping in a store and he showed up turning the corner. I was in shock and didn't know what to do. He seemed happy to see me but happy without me.....that he had gotten over me and was getting on with his life. I was devastated and felt hurt.........but......oh, I don't know. Needless to say I didn't sleep well last night either.

Devestation....

I'm devestated to check cnn.com ever so often through out the day and see the death toll rise due to the Tsunami Sunday. Right now they are reporting 56,029 as the over all death toll.......only to rise. If you are trying to find a way to help here are some groups you can donations to. Also, pray for these people (those who are suffering from the crisis and those going to volunteer).

Click on the web link below to see the international aid organizations posted by cnn.com.
http://www.cnn.com/2004/WORLD/asiapcf/12/28/tsunami.aidsites/index.html

The Birthday Girl Gives Herself a Hug.....

Well, my birth-day is coming to a close. It has been a quiet and pleasant day. I overslept because my body told my brain to hit snooze all morning. Some of you know I've been struggling with getting rest during the week due to restlessness and dreams about a boy throughout the night. So I sleep a lot on Saturday and Sunday mornings. I finally got out of the apartment around 4:00 pm and spent a nice 30 - 45 minutes at Best Buy. The girls at work (they drive me crazy but can be nice sometimes) gave me a giftcard. I was so excited because I never really have any money to spend on myself. Plus, I am way behind on music. I took my time and picked out Elliott Smith's "From a Basement On The Hill", Interpol's "Antics", and Pedro the Lion's "Achilles Heel". Then I bought myself Sophia Coppolla's film "Lost in Translation". I then swung by Lek's and picked up some Double Shrimp roll sushi and Green curry beef and headed over to my married friend's home. We watched a movie and I got to see the new Sims/Urbs game. I eventually came home because the head-ache I've had all day is still with me. But all in all it was a nice day. The past few birthdays have been pretty dramatic....so a slow, quiet day was nice. Everyone has been so loving and nice and I think I got the most birthday wishes this year than I ever have.

I am now 28....wow. For some reason I have a feeling it is going to be a great year. Whoa, did those words come out of my personal pessimistic mouth?! ha. But yeah, it feels like it is going to be a good year. And for some reason I feel like I have God rooting me on...... I'm going to make it after all. Eventhough I have a lot of things to think about and decisions to make this year, I feel that it will all work out for the best.

I love you all. Be peaceful and give someone a hug this weekend to show them you are grateful for their friendship and trust.

peace,
cindy

How Well Do You Think You Know Me? (quiz)

http://www.quizyourfriends.com/yourquiz.php?quizname=041216194635-702204

Timeline For a Complex Girl

- A lot of stores are starting to offer "Self-Checkout". One reason I don't like this idea is because simply put, it is intimidating. Another reason is that I want to go through a checkout line and see a real person. With me losing my job in the next 1.5 months, I'd rather choose the option to go through a regular line so that someone else won't lose their job too....

-My Christmas tree is up. Hooray! I'll have to celebrate some early Christmas festivities this weekend by baking something and watching A Nightmare Before Christmas. Can you believe that I have never seen this movie?!

-My birthday is this Saturday...... Wow. I'll be 28. If anyone has known me for a while they know that I have a theory from when I was a child. Little girls often like to play house and daydream about who they will marry, where they will live, and how old they will be when they get married. All of my friends would say 20-24, but for some reason the number 28 always popped into my mind. So this weekend begins the humorous journey of my 28th year of life.............let's see what happens, maybe Mr. Right will be revealed to me......ha, I wish (grins).

-Work is getting really crazy for me. Please pray for me in deciding what to do over the next few months.......

-For the first time (last Saturday night) I prayed to God to help me 'let go' of someone. I have been praying about this off and on the past 6 months, but wasn't being honest with myself I guess. I would pray, "God please help me get through this difficult time" or "God please reassure me that I did the right thing." The thing is that I DID the right thing, but I have continued to hold onto my heartache, my past disappointments, good and bad times, if He has gotten over me and if so 'why?', etc. But I finally asked God to help me let it all go............... I knew this was something I needed to finally be honest with myself on, but also I owed it to whomever I will finally end up with. I can't bare the thought of being with someone else with unresolved feelings still there for Him. I had to deal with that for the first 2 years of our relationship. So, I know how painful that can be on someone.......

-I finally finished Blue Like Jazz by Don Miller. I am now re-reading the first three books of the "Series of Unfortunate Events" by Lemony Snicket. This is in preparation to see the film this weekend. I am so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love you guys. Be peaceful and give peace to others. Good night......

Dante's Inferno Quiz....

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very High
Level 2 (Lustful)	Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Low
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Low
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Very Low

Take the Dante's" Inferno Hell Test

Getting ready to leave to see Sara, Kurt, and their son Luke in Tuscaloosa.

Break-ups......any advice would be well taken.
1) How long did it take you to get over a serious break-up?
2) Were you the the person broke up with, or the initiator of the break-up?
3) What symptoms did you suffer from (lack of sleep, thinking about them everyday, eating habits...)?
etc, etc, etc........

I'm still having a hard time; maybe because I've hit six months and I'm right in the middle of job despair and the Christmas holidays.
Let me know your thoughts.

Time

(listening to Fold Zandura, self-titled)

It's been 6 months now......from when I walked away. My heart still hurts, I still have dreams about him, I still wonder if he's over me, if I screwed up by breaking up with him. I still feel hurt by the things he did. I still feel happy over the times he treated me right........... I just feel a lot right now. I know that it was time for me to walk away.....I just hope that God can heal my heart.......and that there is someone out there for me. Someone for me to love and to be loved by......... Sometimes I wonder, "who could like me? I'm so awkward and peculiar.", but I guess that I should see myself as special and deserving of love. I'll just continue to pray that I will heal so that if that day comes I will feel complete and not toss my baggage in for the ride....

God please heal my broken heart........ and take care of his............

The Warhol Effect

Matt told me once that he knew who I was in terms of being artistic........a Warhol. Not because of my artistic style but because the way in which I went about my art. The need for a social environment to work in and to share my art with. I never push things across the table to people. I would much rather them ask me what I'm currently working on (on their own initiative). I started tearing up tonight when I and a friend talked a little about art; ways people try to get out of the slump. It seems like a lot of people give me ideas when all I really want is someone to share my art with. I guess that's when I always say, "oh, I wish Docia, or Ingrid, or really any of my friends from college were here......", just because we all took interest in each other's spirit (spiritual and/or artistic). I just want someone to share a discussion with or talk about what I'm currently working on...........sadly I'm usually not working on anything artistic. But I know that conversing with people more than I do now would inspire me. I used to sit at bookstores with friends for an hour or two and put out a complete drawing in one sitting. Taking in the smells, the music in my headphones, the expressions on my friends faces as they read or talked about something.................

So herein lies the Andy Warhol effect. Andy was well known for having people in his studio all the time either it be models, friends, fellow artists, or dear Bruno. I just don't have that and so I am uninspired. It sucks....... I'm not blaming anyone....it's probably all my fault.......

Matt used to try in his own way to encourage me artistically when in reality he was missing the point. There were so many times he would rant and rave about a friend or a friend's friend who was an artist. I remember him going bananas about a friend of a friend who had a few paintings in a gallery locally. He wanted a few of us to invest money into the painting and then we could all trade out the painting from home to home monthly. What an awesome idea, to share art and encourage the artist. But ofcourse I had to stand there hearing him talk about it for weeks with friends and the man who owned the gallery, when there I was (his girlfriend) wanting to paint something so badly. But I just felt like Matt didn't know what I needed (an encouraging community of friends to share ideas with and a boyfriend who took pride in his girlfriend's talent). Yes, he did try on and off to help me and I would get upset or cry, so I can't blame him for getting discouraged. But mostly it was because he would try to find tasks for me to do to get me back into the swing of painting (paint based on a song, set a time limit, focus on a particular mood).........when all I really needed was him to love me, hug me, and discuss life and art with me. That would have inspired me beyond belief. But I never felt like my ideas or artistic thoughts were good enough. Mostly, because he ooh'ed and ah'ed over other people while I felt unimportant. Whoa, I just went on a tangent. Sorry about that............. I guess that I've really been dealing with a lot of hurt lately over Matt and the art thing brought up some of these emotions.
Maybe I'll know who my missing piece is when I meet someone that encourages me spiritually and artistically and feels the same encouragement from me in the areas they need help in........

I just feel lonely and misunderstood. Plus, sometimes I don't feel like people are open enough...............and that's what I need the most in friendships........ Sometimes people say, "Oh Cindy, I never knew that about you.....or about that thing in your life", and I just reply that it's because no one really talks anymore. Sometimes things are so surface even when you've known people for years. I really want to know someone. I want to know the stupid little things they love and hate, their concerns, their silliness, their background....not just how their day was at work. I just hope that my friends know that I want to know them and that they can talk to me about anything. Life passes so quickly for us not to have community together and enjoy each other's spirits...... sigh.

Getting To Know You...

1.) What time is it now? 10:21 pm
2.) Name as it appears on birth certificate? Cindy Ann Sullivan
3.) Nickname? Cindar the Barbarian, Cindy Lou, Cinna-min-a-buns.
4.) Number of candles on your last birthday cake? I don't think I had a cake last year.....
5.) Hair color: Auburn.
6.) Piercings: 3 right ear, 4 left ear
7.) With actual jewelry in it now? zero, but I usually wear 2-3 earrings
8.) Eye color: Brown.
9.) Hometown: Dothan, AL
10.) Current Town/City: Montgomery, AL
11) Favorite Food: Thai food (green beef curry).
12.) Ever been to Africa: No.
13.) Ever been toilet papering? Yes, back in highschool. It was initiation into our church's youth group.
14.) Love someone so much it made you cry? Yes. Still do sometimes.
15.) Been in a car accident? No.
16.) Croutons or bacon bits? Croutons.
17.) Favorite day of the week: Friday.
18.) Favorite restaurants: Lek's Taste of Thailand, PF Changs, Olive Garden.
19.) Favorite flowers: Daisies, Tulips, and Irises.
20.) Favorite sport to watch: Soccer.
21.) Favorite drink: Coffee, Tea, Arizona and Sobe green tea, Water.
22.) Favorite ice cream flavor? Coffee, Cookie Dough.
23.) Disney or Warner Bros? Disney. But only the non-cartoon stuff like The Ugly Dachsund, etc.....
24.) Favorite fast food restaurant? Taco Bell, Chic-fil-a.
25.) What color is your bedroom carpet? Dirty Taupe.
26.) How many times did you fail your driver's test? Zero.
27.) Before this one, who sent you an email? Joy Electric mailing list.
28.) Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Hmm, any cool music store, Utrecht Art Supply, or some high-end fashion shop (<---I can dream can't I?!).
29.) What do you do most often when you are bored? Watch senseless amounts of television.
30.) Bedtime? 11:30 pm, but lately I've been having a hard time going to sleep.
31.) Favorite TV shows? Felicity, America's Next Top Model, Project Runway, any medical show on TLC, Long Way Round (Ewan McGregor and his friend's motorbike trip across Europe and America).
32.) Favorite movie of all time? too many.....
33.) The Last person you went out to dinner with: My family at Thanksgiving.
34.) Ford or Chevy? Honda.
35.) What are you listening to right now? Velvet Blue Music radio.
36.) What is your favorite color? Purple.
37.) How many tattoos do you have? None, but when I get married (hopefully one day) I want to create a tattoo for my husband and I to get together.

Clean Up Your Act So You Can Be a good girl...

Well, I seem to let things sit around until I have to finish them all in one day. My apartment isn't nasty or trashed, it's just really disorganized. So, I am dedicating the whole day to straightening up, cleaning, vacuuming, etc. Listening to archived shows and the current tunes on KEXP is making it easy. I'm trying not to think hard today because I have been really depressed the past month. Got someone (M) on my mind and heavy on my heart....... I spoke with Ingrid today and she asked me, "Have you ever thought about med......." (here's where I think she is going to ask me about taking meds' for depression-which is a place I don't want to go to.......) "......itation?" ('shew', I think to myself. She's talking about meditation. Ha. Silly me.)

Here's some little things I have enjoyed for moments of purity during the sadness:
-I am getting mad about putting lemon juice in my iced water. Yum, Yum. I had a bottle of lemon juice concentrate in the fridge from a previous recipe and decided to squeeze some in my water one day. Ah, refreshing......
-Sported some cub-ear pigtails to a friends house last night. It made me feel perky and creative. Now if I can only get my corporate job to accept this hair-do in the workplace....I'd probably be more productive (grin).
-I finally made it back to the Capri Theatre for the second time since my break-up. It was tough because I went on a Thursday, which used to be 'our' night to experience independent film together. Luckily I made it through and decided to be brave. I saw "Marie Full of Grace" (Spanish with English subtitles) about a pregnant girl who decides to become a mule to escape her life in Columbia. A mule is someone who smuggles drugs in their stomach over the border. Imagine swallowing 50-60 skinny hard-boiled egg sized pellets, medical rubber glove material stuffed with cocaine or heroine...... It was pretty wild. The ending was kind of unresolved but I'm glad I went.
-Ricola Cough Drops: so it's like I never get a full fledged illness. I just get the onset of one for about a month straight. So in addition to extreme mood-swings el-sadness I have been harboring a cold. I picked up some ricola cough drops and have realized they are the manna of tasty cough-dropness. With flavors like Honey-Herb and Lemon-Mint, people give me strange looks but seriously they are amazing. My favorite thus far is Lemon-Mint. It's very good to have one while sipping some ginger tea, yum. Plus, it makes you feel better....... (I'm such a commercial.)

Ok, well back to the cleaning......... Love you guys, will post more later. C.

Or in the flood you'll build an Ark And sail us to the moon.

(listening to Radiohead's album Hail to the Theif. The song "Sail to the Moon" streams in. Hazelnut candle burns, sitting indian style in my chair, pulls hair back and gets ready......)

So, I haven't had internet access for about a week. Which probably doesn't make a difference since the past 2-3 weeks have been really haywire for me. At the beginning of that period I got really down and started having dreams (for about a week) about Matthew. Some of them would start off sweet and filled with love only to get my heart broken at the end. Some would be filled with the empty feeling of losing everything by leaving him. And one in particular was devestating. I wrote Docia about it and she even said it was pretty heavy. It included me noticing a change in my body, Docia prompting me to see a doctor, and finding out that I was pregnant. It was this sad knowledge that I had become pregnant just before Matthew and I seperated and that I was carrying a part of him that he would never know, and that he and I would never share again........ So that was a really rough week.

The next few weeks were filled with just trying to keep up with work and getting prepared to go down to Mobile for Halloween. I couldn't really afford to go down but I needed to get away from everything. It was a chaotic weekend, plus I had an underlying feeling of dread. I felt so lost and like I couldn't relate with anyone. Docia encouraged and cracked me up as we tried to clear our heads and describe my future husband one night at Carpe. Not letting any of our own thoughts enter in. I wrote it down and dated it, so that if it does come true she and I can freak out over the eeriness of that night. The next day I sat with Ingrid on Carpe's back porch just listening to people, drinking tea, she reading about Buddha and me finishing up 1984's appendix on Newspeak. I was still really depressed (not about Matthew, just about life in general) so she and I walked to the cemetary behind Carpe. It's oddly tucked away right in the middle of a neighborhood. You wouldn't know it was there unless you had walked around alot like we did in college. So, we sat on a bench overlooking the plots, feeling the wind, and taking off our shoes. It seems like Ingrid and I are both at a crossroads right now. It's just that Ingrid has more chaos to keep her mind off of it, whereas I have all the time in the world. We discussed not feeling like we have a purpose, not knowing what we are supposed to do in this life, why are we here, not understanding anymore why God allows us to continue to create more human beings that will be crushed by confusion, feeling like we don't know God-ourselves-or reality of faith anymore. It was good to get to talk about these things, because I haven't really been able to just sit and talk with anyone at random times in parks and cemetaries and it not feel like a forced discussion. I was so thankful for that time with her. To not feel like I'm the only one feeling lost and unimportant. I also got to talk with Jennifer about not feeling God and questioning if religion/faith is even real anymore. She 'believes' but she is at the point too......where we just don't 'feel' anything anymore and our gifts are sitting stale within us. We cried and talked, that was good too.

I just feel so lost. And there's so much for me to think about right now just in terms of money and life. I hate going through it alone.............and I miss having someone to hold onto while going through everything together. You don't have to worry about me just being with anyone my dear friends. I just can't do that, there has to be romance and a connection from my soul to theirs. But you hate to be in the distress I'm in right now...alone. Sigh... I just wish I knew what to do with myself and why I'm even alive.......so I could have some kind of hope to keep going.............."ah, but I must"...

I have finished George Orwell's 1984 (just have to read a 4-6 page explaination at the end). People make a lot of references to Radiohead's album OK Computer being related to 1984. But as soon as I finished the book I popped in Hail to the Thief on my way to meet friends one Friday night, and the album smothered me. OK Computer is a good setting for Oceania and The Party, but I must say that Hail to the Thief is definitly the mood of Winston's entrance and exit of the Ministry of Love. Wow, amazing book............... I can't wait to read it again.
I am now reading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. A friend sent it to me (hey, I'll email you soon. Sorry I've been MIA.) I'm only on Chapter 2 so I can't really say much about it now. But the cover states, "Nonreligious thoughts on Christian spirituality."

Well, that needs to be enough for now. I know how most of you hate long long long emails and posts. Sorry, I just always like to explain things a lot. Goodnight, I love you all, may peace envelope your hearts. Take some time to be peculiar or innocent this week. I decided to walk the other day in a light rain............it was amazing to feel something for a moment.

Love,
Cindy...

(ps. I was Alice-Milla Jovovich from Resident Evil/Apocalype for Halloween. If I get a picture back from my Mobile friends I will email it. For some reason my computer will not let me use 'hello' so that I can post pictures on my blog. If anyone can assist, let me know. I'm not much into the whole tech thing, grin.)

This is our Last Goodbye...

(listening to Jeff Buckley's Mystery White Boy, Live '95-'96......)

It's the most amazing night tonight. I stepped outside of my car after returning from a friend's house to rain falling on my face and a chill in the air......... It's one of those nights from college...sitting in a parked car at the Mobile museum of art, listening to cranberries, kissing your best-friend for the second time. Passionate, innocent, rain falling, and warmth of each other's face gracing the other's. Sigh........... I had a rough sleep last night. I had my first dream about Matthew in months. It was a very long dream conpiled of good and loving memories and then a turn to where Matthew breaks my heart, then I wake up. Yeah, my heart's broken but right now it mostly feels sick. Infested with disappointment, ache, and "why's".............. I wonder what he's doing, if he has moved on and is happier now without me there, why his family has not reached out to see how I'm doing, and most importantly why Matthew didn't try harder to get me back............numerous phone calls and voicemail messages didn't mean anything to me anymore. I didn't trust his words or his voice...............he needed to take action. But I guess Matt has always been known for being a "talker" in various realms (intellectually, poetically, passionately), so that's all he knew to do. I hope that this hurt goes away............

I purchased Jeff Buckley and Doves today. Jeff Buckley still blows my mind. I stumbled across him, much like I usually stumbled across music in highschool/college, by watching tv late at night my senior year of highschool(between midnight and 3 am). Well, this guy and his 3 man band were playing some small theater/bar venue with only a deep red curtain behind them. He (Jeff Buckley) was wearing a men's white v'neck undershirt, unbuttoned flannel long-sleeve shirt, jeans, and black combat boots. His hair was mid-neck length and slightly disheveled. He was a pretty average looking white guy with this cute poetic beauty to his face. So I thought that it would be like any rock show late at night.......but when he starting playing and shaking the neck of his guitar and then his voice poured out, I lost my breath. The most soulful, beautiful, passionate voice poured out of this ordinary looking guy. His stage presence was sensual and musically aggressive and he captivated all who were around him (including me)....... I remember when I first heard "Last Goodbye" was while watching this show. I cried because it was so amazing...... Thus, the reason why I always had to choose it on PickleFish's jukebox in downtown Mobile. That song has been a favorite of mine for a while. It's so sad that Jeff is no longer here.....why do all of the amazing artist's pass away....and in strange ways? Jeff Buckley passed away back in May 1997. He was in Memphis recording songs for his sophmore album. He and a bandmate went to a Memphis marina at night where Jeff had swam frequently. His bandmate was keeping track of Jeff from the embankment by talking with him.....he turned to move the radio they had brought with them......turned back around and Jeff was gone. They say that due to the waves created by boats passing through he was probably pulled underneath by the current and drowned in the Mississippi river. How sad to lose such an amazing artist and human being.................he has truly made a deep impression on music and individuals......

(rain begins to pour harder, blows out candles, the cd runs out as Jeff Buckley becomes silent, and I curl up on my bed wondering how everything is the way it has become)

goodnight and God bless you all...

KEXP and the Debates make 3!

Hola mi amigos! Buenos noches...... (yeah, I'm a goofball) People at work think I'm bilingual because I know a few sayings. Ha! Crazy that I took spanish in highschool and college and both times got to a point where I completely got confused and gave up, verbs and making sentences. It all became backwards to me. I want to learn another language really bad. Ever since I saw the film "Lost in Translation" (shameless Cindy plug, 'this is a must see film per the Cindy-Tribune'). I think I'll have to pass on spanish and try something fresh and new. I'd love to learn Japanese, Mandarin, or German (so I can watch Run Lola Run without subtitles, grin).

God Bless Chris in the gump! He has found a listener supported radio station out of Seattle!!! http://www.kexp.org/ If the tv is not on I'm listening to this station on the internet in my little apartment. I wish that I could listen to it at work. The stuff that I like (or am familiar with) usually overlaps from the time I'm at work until about 6 or 7 pm. This morning they were playing some really good stuff........ So, I'm totally obsessed with this station now and my wish to go to Seattle has grown stronger.

I'M GOING TO VOO-DOO FEST!!!!!! Despite the fact that I don't have any money and my credit card has a pretty nice balance I slowly chip away at, I am going!!! I can't take sitting around all of the time. I don't go to movies, shop for clothes (thanks for talking me into that two for one sweater sale Monica), buy cds, go out to eat, ......nothing. All because I struggle as it is to live paycheck to paycheck. And living alone again has made me rip through any savings that I had. Sigh. But 'garsh-darnit' I deserve something! So I am going with Docia and Tony this weekend. The main reason I wanted to go is because the Pixies will be playing and I may never get this opportunity. Some other bands I am stoked (surfer lingo, that's what watching MTV will do to you) to see: Ambulance LTD, The Polyphonic Spree, Snow Patrol, Gomez, Sonic Youth, the Pixies, John Digweed, and the Beastie Boys. Docia supposedly has some super-fly gangster hats for us to wear to the event.

Halloween is just around the corner. I can't wait. It's such a creative day to me. I love to see friends and strangers being creative and dressing up for a day. Last year I went as LeeLoo from Fifth Element. This year I will go as Alice from Resident Evil:Apocolypse. Yeah, I have this Milla Jovovich thing going. If I can get this scanner (looks over to the left of my desk) to work maybe I'll email some pics from last year. If you're going to be in the Mobile area on the 31st feel free to say hello, but keep in mind that I'll drop kick you if you're dressed as a zombie............sly grin.

The third presidential debate was tonight. I watched the first, missed the second, and watched the third. But I am still undecided and really don't like either candidates. I got all pumped up about voting and got re-registered and now I'm left with no resolution. Post your thoughts on the candidates. I'd be interested in what you have to say.

Genesis 8: The Flood Subsides

But God remembered Noah and all the beasts and all the cattle that were with him in the ark; and God caused a wind to pass over the earth, and the water subsided. 2Also the fountains of the deep and the floodgates of the sky were closed, and the rain from the sky was restrained; 3and the water receded steadily from the earth, and at the end of one hundred and fifty days the water decreased. 4In the seventh month, on the seventeenth day of the month, the ark rested upon the mountains of Ararat. 5The water decreased steadily until the tenth month; in the tenth month, on the first day of the month, the tops of the mountains became visible. 6Then it came about at the end of forty days, that Noah opened the window of the ark which he had made; 7and he sent out a raven, and it flew here and there until the water was dried up from the earth. 8Then he sent out a dove from him, to see if the water was abated from the face of the land; 9but the dove found no resting place for the sole of her foot, so she returned to him into the ark, for the water was on the surface of all the earth. Then he put out his hand and took her, and brought her into the ark to himself. 10So he waited yet another seven days; and again he sent out the dove from the ark. 11The dove came to him toward evening, and behold, in her beak was a freshly picked olive leaf. So Noah knew that the water was abated from the earth. 12Then he waited yet another seven days, and sent out the dove; but she did not return to him again. 13Now it came about in the six hundred and first year, in the first month, on the first of the month, the water was dried up from the earth. Then Noah removed the covering of the ark, and looked, and behold, the surface of the ground was dried up. 14In the second month, on the twenty-seventh day of the month, the earth was dry. 15Then God spoke to Noah, saying, 16"Go out of the ark, you and your wife and your sons and your sons' wives with you. 17"Bring out with you every living thing of all flesh that is with you, birds and animals and every creeping thing that creeps on the earth, that they may breed abundantly on the earth, and be fruitful and multiply on the earth." 18So Noah went out, and his sons and his wife and his sons' wives with him. 19Every beast, every creeping thing, and every bird, everything that moves on the earth, went out by their families from the ark. 20Then Noah built an altar to the LORD, and took of every clean animal and of every clean bird and offered burnt offerings on the altar. 21The LORD smelled the soothing aroma; and the LORD said to Himself, "I will never again curse the ground on account of man, for the intent of man's heart is evil from his youth; and I will never again destroy every living thing, as I have done. 22"While the earth remains, Seedtime and harvest, And cold and heat, And summer and winter, And day and night Shall ot cease."

Questions:
1) v. 6 Then it came about at the end of forty days, that Noah opened the window of the ark which he had made;
Is this 40 days from the 150th day? The tons of references to days and months in this chapter get confusing.

2) v. 7-8: 7and he sent out a raven, and it flew here and there until the water was dried up from the earth. 8Then he sent out a dove from him, to see if the water was abated from the face of the land;
Can someone explain the significance of sending out the raven first?

3) v. 21 21The LORD smelled the soothing aroma; and the LORD said to Himself, "I will never again curse the ground on account of man, for the intent of man's heart is evil from his youth; and I will never again destroy every living thing, as I have done.
Just thought that it was interesting that the Lord smelled a 'soothing aroma' when clean animals were burned as offerings...... any thoughts on this? (being funny)-a soothing aroma to me would be vanilla or nag champa incense........

4) Please discuss why God decided at this point that he would not 'curse the ground' again on account of man. Was it the act of Noah obeying God that He solely made His decision on? Or was it that after all of this flooding and destruction God realized that due to the 'fall of man' in Eden that man really has a choice of his own to be good or bad......that God did not need to cause destruction on all men due to a few being disobedient............discuss (coffee talk accent).

A Need for Words...

(listening to Sunny Day Real Estate's album Diary. 1993, I haven't listened to this in years...)

Just feel like I need to write (or type, whatever) to release words from my mind. I've been really frustrated and angry lately....... It's those steps the Jones' and I learned about in Death in Dying........ I'm currently on Anger. It's seems like when things happen to me they all happen at once. I have a lot of stress on me right now, and realizing the crap that I put up with in the past with 'someone' has gotten me irritated. Wow, I was too good of a woman...... So, enough of the melodrama....I feel like writing (Dosh this is for you since I haven't written in so long)...........just going to type, no thought, no correction, just let it be for now......

i try to contain this within me
this neverending turnaround of pain and irritation
burns on my back for not turning away soon enough
and memories burned into my heart for giving away my self

..leaving me alone, nothing inside, laying down, breathing slow
trying to remember what or who i am
warm tears falling down my face
and rain crashing on my back

fingers gripping the ground to feel the earth's love
to feel like God is somewhere underneath my skin
in my heart that's no longer beating...
that's no longer sighing, no more sight

'silent' is a good choice when you don't want to talk about it
church pew preaching at someone who used to know so well
i feel so lost but only want the spirit to find me
and help me get back what i then gave away.
...

some verse from Sunny Day.....
"Seven"
sew it on. face the fool
december's tragic drive
when time is poetry
and stolen the world outside
the waiting could crush my heart.

sew it on. face the fool
the tide breaks a wave of fear
and brave songs disappear
to the secret voice of dawn
this last time raise my eyes.

you'll taste it, you'll taste it...in time
you'll taste it, you'll taste it...in time
you'll taste it, you'll taste it...in time
the right words, in time.

sew it on. face the fool
the mirrors lie those aren't my eyes
destroy them raise my hand
reflected in savage shards
a new face a soul reborn.

you'll taste it, you'll taste it...in time
you'll taste it, you'll taste it...in time
you'll taste it, you'll taste it...in time
the right words, in time.

"in circles"
meet me there, in the blue
where words are not
and feeling remains.
sincerity, trust in me...
to throw myself into your door.

circles.....running down...i go in circles....running down.....i go in circles....running down.

meet me there, in the blue
where words are not
and feeling remains.
i dream.....to heal your wounds,
but i bleed myself.....but i bleed myself.

circles.....running down...i go in circles....running down.....i go in circles....running down.

remains

Stalling on Genesis 7...

I wanted to take some time to ask questions regarding Genesis 7 before I moved on this week. Adam, be sure to check the comments. I have a question or two for you.....

I hate feeling like God is not there; that He's not real anymore, real to 'me' anymore. I was hoping secretly that another positive thing of being single again, out of my previous painful relationship, that my faith would come back..........but it's not (wipes tear). It really sucks to have lost it. To not feel like I believe anymore......to just spend my days thinking about how to keep working to pay my bills, keep food in my fridge, and have a little left over to get a cd or some Thai food on rare occasions. Who am I anymore? sigh...............

I'll continue on Genesis 8 after the discussion ends on chapter 7. I love you guys, keep me in your prayers....c

(on a silly happy note, "so why did I cry at the end of Made on MTV tonight?" I was so happy (surfing episode) that I cried for the girl on the show. I'm such a goofball -laughs at self, grin.)

A New Obsession.......

Ok, so I'm totally in love with the new cartoon from Cartoon Network, Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends. I originally found out about this show while looking for online games for my neice and nephew to play. We went to the cartoon network website and found games for a new show (foster's home....). I've caught two shows now....they usually play on Friday night's when I'm with friends.....so I catch it sparadically. Check it out. It's awesome.......

A Fraction of a Second Out on the Town

(listening to Velvet Blue Music-The Future Is Blue Compilation)

Got myself all dolled up tonight to meet co-workers at the Fox and the Hound. Our supervisor found a job up north where her husband is and will be moving next weekend. I usually don't like to go to Fox and the Hound due to old memories but it was ok since I would be in a group (mental stimulation would be covered by others antics so that I wouldn't have to think about old junk). So, yeah I got dolled up with my newest silk flower in my hair. I must say I looked pretty cute and modelesque. I chatted, laughed, had a Woodchuck and some fish and chips and then after everything died down I came home.

I guess that I have never really liked bar atmospheres. People checking out people, excessive drinkers, etc etc etc. Maybe if I was with a group of friends or at a bar/club to see a band...................but groups don't really get out much here and if a band was coming I don't think I could get anyone to go. Snow Patrol plays in Birmingham 10/15. Ofcourse it will be another band missed due to no musical counterparts to stand in the crowds with me.........sigh, argh. I think I'd go to concerts alone if they were in venues I have been to before. That way I wouldn't feel so socially naked............

...in the mood to post odd things I hate and love....................things that make me tick and tick me off. (grin)
things that make me cringe
-people who don't use their blinkers
-port-a-potties (they are of the devilllllllllllll)
-people with road rage
-excessive use of curse words
-having a broken heart
-girls who look perfect all the time
-poodles
-excessive and needless plastic surgery
-not finding lender's everything bagles after going to five grocery stores in Montgomery (that's for you Dosh!)
-the two main choices of presidential candidates (still undecided but I did re-register to vote, "go me!")
-"elimidate"

things that make me feel that everything's ok
-the smell of honeysuckle and hazelnut candles
-a kid waving to me from the window of another car
-hummingbirds outside my windows
-chai lattes
-truckers who flick headlights to let you over and say thankyou by braking three times (i love trucker signals, this was the thing when i was a kid on family trips to Texas. My c.b. radio name was 'red on the head'....)
-eating lunch with Hank (i eat lunch a few blocks away from work at a park. The park has smooth slab benches under trees and a statue of Hank Williams. I eat, read my book, and bid Hank ado on the way back to work.)
-skirts
-the way Monie eats her food. She's an artist with a fork.......
-Angel and Innocent perfume
-trivial pursuit (grin, Sinead O'Conner........long live the revolution!)

...

Tommy Rocks!!!!

Tommy the appliance guy came today to fix my dryer. Luckily my dad footed the bill for someone to come out and change the dryer cord out and hook up the washer. Yea! I can finally wash clothes without making change at the bank every week. "Um, can I change out 7 dollar bills for quarters please?"

Genesis 7: The Flood

1Then the LORD said to Noah, "Enter the ark, you and all your household, for you alone I have seen to be righteous before Me in this time. 2"You shall take with you of every clean animal by sevens, a male and his female; and of the animals that are not clean two, a male and his female; 3also of the birds of the sky, by sevens, male and female, to keep offspring alive on the face of all the earth. 4"For after seven more days, I will send rain on the earth forty days and forty nights; and I will blot out from the face of the land every living thing that I have made." 5Noah did according to all that the LORD had commanded him. 6Now Noah was six hundred years old when the flood of water came upon the earth. 7Then Noah and his sons and his wife and his sons' wives with him entered the ark because of the water of the flood. 8Of clean animals and animals that are not clean and birds and everything that creeps on the ground, 9there went into the ark to Noah by twos, male and female, as God had commanded Noah. 10It came about after the seven days, that the water of the flood came upon the earth. 11In the six hundredth year of Noah's life, in the second month, on the seventeenth day of the month, on the same day all the fountains of the great deep burst open, and the floodgates of the sky were opened. 12The rain fell upon the earth for forty days and forty nights. 13On the very same day Noah and Shem and Ham and Japheth, the sons of Noah, and Noah's wife and the three wives of his sons with them, entered the ark, 14they and every beast after its kind, and all the cattle after their kind, and every creeping thing that creeps on the earth after its kind, and every bird after its kind, all sorts of birds. 15So they went into the ark to Noah, by twos of all flesh in which was the breath of life. 16Those that entered, male and female of all flesh, entered as God had commanded him; and the LORD closed it behind him. 17Then the flood came upon the earth for forty days, and the water increased and lifted up the ark, so that it rose above the earth. 18The water prevailed and increased greatly upon the earth, and the ark floated on the surface of the water. 19The water prevailed more and more upon the earth, so that all the high mountains everywhere under the heavens were covered. 20The water prevailed fifteen cubits higher, and the mountains were covered. 21All flesh that moved on the earth perished, birds and cattle and beasts and every swarming thing that swarms upon the earth, and all mankind; 22of all that was on the dry land, all in whose nostrils was the breath of the spirit of life, died. 23Thus He blotted out every living thing that was upon the face of the land, from man to animals to creeping things and to birds of the sky, and they were blotted out from the earth; and only Noah was left, together with those that were with him in the ark. 24The water prevailed upon the earth one hundred and fifty days.

1) v. 2 "You shall take with you of every clean animal by sevens, a male and his female; and of the animals that are not clean two, a male and his female;
Where before this text are we given an explanation of what counts as a "clean" animal and an "unclean" animal? My bible refers to Leviticus but were the writers of this chapter supposing that we already new these definitions?

2) v. 4 God annouces that the flood will be upon the earth for 40 days and 40 nights.
Do we know why God chose this timeframe? What is the significance of the 40's?

3) v. 6-7 The flood begins and Noah enters the ark. v. 11 seems like a huge shift in writing (it gets very descriptive...very Robert Frosty). This happens again in v. 13 and the story of them entering the ark is described again. v. 17 states the flood started and a majorly descriptive explanation occurs again. Any thoughts on this repetitiveness and shift in writing style?

4) v. 24 The water prevailed upon the earth one hundred and fifty days.
Does this mean that Noah and the crew remained in the ark for 150 days?

A Little Behind (Genesis)

Hey guys. I'll be posting the next installment of Cindar's discovery of Genesis either tonight or tomorrow. I was dealing with a major head-ache/migraine yesterday. And now I have to survive Walmart for some groceries. (grin)

Neo and Trinity

Feeling sort of sad. Got home tonight, ate some left-over Chinese, flipped on the tv and the Matrix was on. I caught the last 30 minutes and am now watching the Animatrix. It makes me feel sad that ******* and I could not work it out. (Me deciding to walk away and he pushing me away annually like clockwork) It's the first time I have watched Animatrix or any of the films without him. In relation to a lot of things, it's as if a big chunk of my heart has been removed and is now missing. An execution of my own will..........what did he expect each time he pushed me to the edge? I feel numb right now, throat is tense trying not to cry because I've done so well so far. Three months two and a half weeks of my heart being unplugged, numb, tore up, lifeless, and sad. Asking why all of this had to happen. It sucks being the one to walk away, to call it quits, to let the other go. Because you know you had control of the situation and decided to let him go. To know how much you love him but that it's safer for you to turn your back and not look behind. To erase the pain along with the beauty and joy you once had. / Please rent Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It is coming out September 28th. ******* and I went to Atlanta to try and catch a show (you might say concert) on a whim a long time ago. Well, the box office had closed by the time we made it, which was just 30 minutes late, so we decided to see a movie while in town. We went to a mall and saw that Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind had been released. Living in Montgomery meant that it would probably be a month, if at all, before it came to the theaters so we decided to see it. We were so excited. Well, we left there utterly amazed. It was a beautiful movie, amazing music, but most important was the story. If you have ever had to 'walk away' from someone that you loved deeply you will relate to this film. Or if you want to know what I am going through right now, it will explain a lot.

You wish so badly you could just erase them from your mind and heart so the pain wouldn't suffocate you.................
http://www.eternalsunshine.com/
http://www.lacunainc.com/ for information on "the procedure".
Although I am heartbroken I wouldn't want to erase the past 8 years. He meant a lot to me and I hope that he felt love.

I miss him but what was there left for me to do? You can be someone's soul-mate but when they allow the hurt and spitefulness to infiltrate the relationship, there's not a battle you can win................ Plus, me being by his side did not help him succeed over his confusions. So, me sacrificing the relationship meant that hopefully he could find peace on his own and be happy within himself down the road. I just hope that I find that also.

(saves entry, shuts down computer............wipes eyes and curls up in the bed to sleep away the sadness)

Zip up that Pottymouth, Talk, Talk, now Walk!

(listening to random Tooth and Nail, 7-Ball, and Velvet Blue Music compilations to reminisce of yesterday and track down Danielson songs)

Today was a hectic and worrisome day at work. The news of the second American being murdered in Iraq struck me hard. Especially with the message displayed on the flag stating "In the name of God, the Merciful". Would a merciful God really want us murdering people to fulfill threatening bargains? Also, the news of the soon to be rising death toll in Haiti, currently at 1,070. Maybe I'm noticing more now that I'm older, but things are crazy these days. I don't know though. I remember getting these eerie feelings back in college during the phase of demonic prophetic nightmares and the spaceship religious group committing suicide eating poisoned applesauce. I pray for those in need tonight and those who are hurting others. Please help us find peace in all of this.

Work was very difficult not only because the queue of calls all day because someone wouldn't simply send a company wide email............but because my co-workers are extremely vocal (almost yelling) about how they don't care if we're let go any day now. They say they don't "need" this job, God has better things for them, and this job is just an extra check!!!!!! How self-centered. I'm sitting there trying to figure out how to stretch my money living paycheck to paycheck, and they're yapping it up like it's nothing. I'm sure if they continue this (which they have been going on and on about out loud for the whole department to hear) they will just cut our jobs in the next few weeks. It's like I'm being dragged down in their mess and their causing me to possibly lose my job early. I just sit and keep to myself when they get started. I am so afraid of losing my job earlier than expected and not knowing what to do. / Times like these are when I get really upset with certain people just quitting their jobs out of nowhere, living with family or friends, and then there's me always trying to take care of myself. I get so tired of trying to make it.........but I must be thankful. There are people without anything or anyone. Please help me on this one God. What will I do if I lose my job in the next few weeks???

On a Cindar good note: the first installment of America's Next Top Model played tonight. Joy of joys. I love this show. I guess it's that girly wishful dreaming of modeling dancing in my head. Plus I was able to catch the second part to the CS Lewis/Sigmund Freud Conversations on God that played on PBS tonight. Very interesting and it was great to hear some discussion by a panel of scientists, theologians, atheists, jungians, professors, etc. I miss that stuff......

As autumn slides along your side...

(drinking chamomile mint tea and listening to Death Cab for Cutie's album 'something about airplanes')

I have been very melancholy lately, but very silly and funny at the same time. (sips some hot tea, sigh yum) I've been drinking tea at night the past couple of days. It's a comfort to me because this is something I used to enjoy all the time. In this I pray and hope that I'm feeling myself again, if I ever did before all of 'this beautiful mess'. Autumn lingers in the air as it hits the little hairs along my arms and tosses my hair past my eyes while crossing the streets on the walk to work. I miss being outside with people. People like to be inside a lot here, but I have been grateful for my outside excursions with Monica (especially picture taking). I miss sleeping on friend's couches while they go about their business. In this way I feel like a feline. It's something that started in college in the girl's dorm. We attended a Southern Baptist college and co-ed was not in our vocabulary besides the occasional open dorm when the guys could hang. But, I loved to fall asleep on my room-mate's beds. Yeah, I'm weird. But I love to fall asleep while listening to people go about their business (typing papers late at night, laughing at a movie, writing, reading, making something creative). Plus, I always thought that the most beautiful thing and the best time to see who someone truly is (stripped away from all the drama of life and worries) is when you see someone sleeping. That's when all of the innocence from when someone was a child shows through. I think it's a beautiful thing. So I've been feeling that way lately, "Don't mind me guys while I nap while you play Halo". I love the feeling of community....people cooking out, watching movies, sitting around reading, or making something creative. I miss that so much and haven't had it for a while. I miss trips to Barnes and Noble or a coffee shop and not having to talk. Just reading, writing, trading quotes, people watching........(Docia and Ingrid can account to this)

Plus, Autumn is difficult because that is the romantic and nostalgic time for me. Most people say Spring, but nothing is better than a chill in the air and thoughts of poetry and music running in your mind. I miss having someone but I know that what I am experiencing is for the best.

musical pause from Death Cab...."Sleep Spent" gorgeous song
i can't expel the truth
it's much more than i thought i could do
and with time my worth will stain
and split your heart from my name...

so drive away your mouth from my ears
and waste a day so i can think clearly
and what's left to wait for here
as my hands sleep spent this last year
choking the bottle's neck that pulled you from my bed

Sometimes I wonder why I had to struggle through a long relationship that I had so much hope and love in.....and now I'm alone. Don't think I'm whining...I can deal, my first boyfriend was when I was 21. I had never dated, kissed, gone to a dance with a boy i liked, etc....... And then my past relationship lasted 5 years. So I tell myself I can make it if I didn't have someone until I was 21. / A lot of times people pray that God is creating that right person for them and at the right time they will come along. But something has been really sticking in my head lately (holy spirit?), that in actuality God needs to be preparing me for that someone. That there is some guy out there who deserves love and someone that is real........and this time is for God to prepare me to truly love someone and for that someone to honestly love me. No selfishness, no bitterness, no regrets........... So I don't know what is out there in terms of who I will end up with one day, but I do know that I need to be grateful for this time to take myself back and get to know 'me' again....so that I can truly love............ but darnit (ha), autumn will be tough to get through (sigh and a laugh at myself).

Faith is difficult for me right now. It's like I doubt it all now. I hate that and it hurts my heart. Yeah, I doubted in the past and studied other religions back in college. But in college you always knew it was safe because you had all the time in the world to discover, debate, and resolve. In the "real world" you have so much junk to deal with and there's no time to wonder innocently and hear the truth whispering to you. So pray that I will hear truth and come out of this desert ok.

I love all of you. I have really been thinking about people I love during my adventures with Monica in scrapbooking. I am finally doing something with all of those pictures from college. I love you guys!!!!! and I love you guys that are new to me (past 3-4 years). I am so grateful for each person I have shared a conversation, cup of coffee, late night boo-hoo session, and goofy kackle with. You are all so important to me.

-I pray for those who do not have a home tonight due to Hurrican Ivan. Please God take care of their hearts and needs and prepare us to help in any way we can.
-I pray for those kidnapped in Iraq. Please deliver them safely and create peace among all people, so that instead of threatening and hurting each other.....we can help, encourage, and love each other.
-I pray for children tonight that feel alone. Please Lord send them help and let them know that they are loved.
-Please Lord open all of our eyes to innocence and love. We all think we know so much when in reality we know so little.

*Please pray for my job. My direct supervisor has found a job and will leave 10/8. So I fear that my job might be cut even shorter.................

Love beauty tonight. And remember to love yourself. Goodnight.....

Genesis 6: The Corruption of Mankind

Genesis 6
The Corruption of Mankind


1Now it came about, when men began to multiply on the face of the land, and daughters were born to them, 2that the sons of God saw that the daughters of men were beautiful; and they took wives for themselves, whomever they chose. 3Then the LORD said, "My Spirit shall not strive with man forever, because he also is flesh; nevertheless his days shall be one hundred and twenty years." 4The Nephilim were on the earth in those days, and also afterward, when the sons of God came in to the daughters of men, and they bore children to them. Those were the mighty men who were of old, men of renown. 5Then the LORD saw that the wickedness of man was great on the earth, and that every intent of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. 6The LORD was sorry that He had made man on the earth, and He was grieved in His heart. 7The LORD said, "I will blot out man whom I have created from the face of the land, from man to animals to creeping things and to birds of the sky; for I am sorry that I have made them." 8But Noah found favor in the eyes of the LORD. 9These are the records of the generations of Noah. Noah was a righteous man, blameless in his time; Noah walked with God. 10Noah became the father of three sons: Shem, Ham, and Japheth. 11Now the earth was corrupt in the sight of God, and the earth was filled with violence. 12God looked on the earth, and behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted their way upon the earth. 13Then God said to Noah, "The end of all flesh has come before Me; for the earth is filled with violence because of them; and behold, I am about to destroy them with the earth. 14"Make for yourself an ark of gopher wood; you shall make the ark with rooms, and shall cover it inside and out with pitch. 15"This is how you shall make it: the length of the ark three hundred cubits, its breadth fifty cubits, and its height thirty cubits. 16"You shall make a window for the ark, and finish it to a cubit from the top; and set the door of the ark in the side of it; you shall make it with lower, second, and third decks. 17"Behold, I, even I am bringing the flood of water upon the earth, to destroy all flesh in which is the breath of life, from under heaven; everything that is on the earth shall perish. 18"But I will establish My covenant with you; and you shall enter the ark--you and your sons and your wife, and your sons' wives with you. 19"And of every living thing of all flesh, you shall bring two of every kind into the ark, to keep them alive with you; they shall be male and female. 20"Of the birds after their kind, and of the animals after their kind, of every creeping thing of the ground after its kind, two of every kind will come to you to keep them alive. 21"As for you, take for yourself some of all food which is edible, and gather it to yourself; and it shall be for food for you and for them." 22Thus Noah did; according to all that God had commanded him, so he did.

(listening to House of Wires 'You Are Obsolete')

Well, I don't really have questions for this chapter so if you have any questions of your own or interesting commentary for this chapter...please post it.

It's crazy to read how saddened God became over his creation, man. If the world was corrupt and man's heart was selfish and more inclined to wrong doing thing, what does God think about us now? Sometimes I just don't get people on this world? We take so much for granted. We make fun of people. We are dishonest, cheating, angry, self-centered, sexually corrupt.....etc etc etc. I do know there is good in the world and in the hearts of people. It's just that I have seen more bad than good over the past 3-4 years. Any thoughts? Or any comments on things you have been confronted with over the past few years and how you have dealt with them? etc.?

Hurricane Ivan

Everyone is bracing themselves for Hurrican Ivan........ I will know tomorrow if I can leave Montgomery and go to Birmingham or Atlanta, or if I'll just go over to a friends house here in Montgomery. Birmingham doesn't seem too optomistic considering the fact that traffic is back to back and I would be traveling in the midst of Ivan making landfall. So it might be safer for me to stay here....... Please pray for us here in AL. Here are a few requests for particular people you may or may not know.

-DS and TL. There were supposed to leave Mobile tonight to go to a friends house going east into Florida. Have not heard back on if they have left.
-IA and family. They have decided to stick it out in Mobile at home.
-HW. She is going to stick it out in Mobile also. She will be going to the school she teaches at for shelter.
-CL and family. I was able to reach them and they are making their way into Birmingham right now. They were evacuated earlier today. The trip from Robertsdale (below Mobile) to Birmingham took 7.5 hours when it usually takes 4.
-SG and family. I have not heard back from her yet. She and her family are from Saraland.
-Please also pray for me, my friends here in Montgomery, and family in Birmingham.

I love you all. I probably will not post again until this is over............

Cindy.

Genesis 5: Descendants of Adam

Genesis 5
Descendants of Adam

1 This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day when God created man, He made him in the likeness of God.
2 He created them male and female, and He blessed them and named them Man in the day when they were created.
3 When Adam had lived one hundred and thirty years, he became the father of a son in his own likeness, according to his image, and named him Seth.
4 Then the days of Adam after he became the father of Seth were eight hundred years, and he had other sons and daughters.
5 So all the days that Adam lived were nine hundred and thirty years, and he died.
6 Seth lived one hundred and five years, and became the father of Enosh.
7 Then Seth lived eight hundred and seven years after he became the father of Enosh, and he had other sons and daughters.
8 So all the days of Seth were nine hundred and twelve years, and he died.
9 Enosh lived ninety years, and became the father of Kenan.
10 Then Enosh lived eight hundred and fifteen years after he became the father of Kenan, and he had other sons and daughters.
11 So all the days of Enosh were nine hundred and five years, and he died.
12 Kenan lived seventy years, and became the father of Mahalalel.
13 Then Kenan lived eight hundred and forty years after he became the father of Mahalalel, and he had other sons and daughters.
14 So all the days of Kenan were nine hundred and ten years, and he died.
15 Mahalalel lived sixty-five years, and became the father of Jared.
16 Then Mahalalel lived eight hundred and thirty years after he became the father of Jared, and he had other sons and daughters.
17 So all the days of Mahalalel were eight hundred and ninety-five years, and he died.
18 Jared lived one hundred and sixty-two years, and became the father of Enoch.
19 Then Jared lived eight hundred years after he became the father of Enoch, and he had other sons and daughters.
20 So all the days of Jared were nine hundred and sixty-two years, and he died.
21 Enoch lived sixty-five years, and became the father of Methuselah.
22 Then Enoch walked with God three hundred years after he became the father of Methuselah, and he had other sons and daughters.
23 So all the days of Enoch were three hundred and sixty-five years.
24 Enoch walked with God; and he was not, for God took him.
25 Methuselah lived one hundred and eighty-seven years, and became the father of Lamech.
26 Then Methuselah lived seven hundred and eighty-two years after he became the father of Lamech, and he had other sons and daughters.
27 So all the days of Methuselah were nine hundred and sixty-nine years, and he died.
28 Lamech lived one hundred and eighty-two years, and became the father of a son.
29 Now he called his name Noah, saying, "This one will give us rest from our work and from the toil of our hands arising from the ground which the LORD has cursed."
30 Then Lamech lived five hundred and ninety-five years after he became the father of Noah, and he had other sons and daughters.
31 So all the days of Lamech were seven hundred and seventy-seven years, and he died.
32 Noah was five hundred years old, and Noah became the father of Shem, Ham, and Japheth.

(listening to Joy Electric's 'We Are the Music Makers'.....it seems perfect for Genesis reading)

This Sunday's weekly reading comes from Genesis 5. This book goes more into depth into the geneology steming from Adam from the point of Seth being born. For some reason I find all of the ages at which each male fathered a child and the age at which he died interesting, so I have posted this information below.....

Adam: at 130 years he fathered Seth. Died at 930.
Seth: at 105 years he fathered Enosh. Died at 912.
Enosh: at 90 years he fathered Kenan. Died at 905.
Kenan: at 70 years he fathered Mahalalel. Died at 910.
Mahalalel: at 65 years he fathered Jared. Died at 895.
Jared: at 162 years he fathered Enoch. Died at 962.
Enoch: at 65 years he fathered Methuselah. Died at 365 years.
Methselah: at 187 years he fathered Lamech. Died at 969 years.
Lamech: at 182 years he fathered Noah. Died at 777. (<--- interesting ?) Noah: at 500 years he fathered Shem, Ham, and Japheth. (were these triplets or are we under the impression that one year in BC time actually was longer than a 365 day period ?) At first I thought it was interesting how each person down the line would die earlier and earlier. I wondered if this had to do with the whole 'separation from God--less of life' thing, but I guess that was squandered when I got to Jared who died at 962. ? v. 22 Then Enoch walked with God three hundred years after he became the father of Methuselah, and he had other sons and daughters.
?: In the geneology of births and passing aways this is the first time the text states that someone 'walked with God' in regards to their life. Previously the text would just say 'such and such lived such and such years'.

v. 23-24 So all the days of Enoch were three hundred and sixty-five years. 24 Enoch walked with God; and he was not, for God took him.
?: There's that reference again to 'walking with God' as opposed to 'lived'. Also, the text states 'he was not, for God took him' as opposed to just saying he passed away.

v. 29 Now he called his name Noah, saying, "This one will give us rest from our work and from the toil of our hands arising from the ground which the LORD has cursed."
?: Now this verse is easily referencing back to Genesis 3:17-19. In terms of Noah, does Lamech 'just know' that Noah will do a great thing because in most "prophetic" happenings in the bible we are told the person was advised by an angel, the holy spirit, or God himself.

Please post your thoughts and any information you can provide for the ?'s. Thanks.

Delay on Genesis

Sorry for the delay on my next chapter of Genesis. I will read and post meanderings later tonight. Need to eat something. Please pray for my brother. The most recent update that I read just now was difficult to get through. Mortars hitting everywhere.........a lot of casualties it seems. I cried through most of the stuff............ think about the guys over there and pray that resolution comes soon.

A Rough Day at the Office starts the Trickle Down...

So, I had a rough afternoon at work today. I am very thankful for my job but the department I'm in is stressful. Well, I guess I could say it's the people I work with are the source of my stress. I have never worked in an area so full of drama, gossip, backstabbing, etc. It's like some of the people I'm referring to act like they honestly care, but if they're in a gossipy mood anyone is up to be the target. Plus, I worry everyday about losing my job earlier than expected. Like I'm going to say the wrong thing or screw up something and be ditched. I just pray that God holds this job out through February...... (slips Aaron Sprinkle's album "Bareface" into the cd drive) I slipped and talked about something at work today and worry that people will use it against me. Because where I work "anything you say or do will eventually be used against you".

Well, the worries over my job got me down and I started thinking about all the hurt I have inside. I think about how/what ****** is doing now. I thought about calling his mom or sister just to make sure he is ok but I can't bring myself to it. I guess what I am realizing is that he broke my heart (eventhough I was the one who called it quits). I guess when your heart finally falls apart you just have to walk away. Then at times I get so angry at him for not getting his self (<---- sometimes I want to say something bad here) together. And if he loved me why didn't he respect me enough to not break my heart in the past, get things together for a year and then let things fall apart all over again.

Then my mind wonders to how frustrated I get with people and the world. Sex is a beautiful thing and I don't understand why people deface it. People have sex casually with people they don't care about, girls are obsessed with trying to be sexy and get attention from guys, the male/female relationship is becoming an oddity amongst a relaxed sexual generation, people cheat on their boyfriends/girlfriends/wives/husbands, girls go after boys eventhough they know the boy has a girlfriend sitting at home, people don't respect sex in the light of pregnancy and aids thinking that it can be fixed by a pill or procedure. We have become such a self-indulgent and narcistic society that we only think of our desires and don't think about how our actions can hurt those that we love. I'm just so worn out on it all. This leaving me to wonder amongst all the junk if a guy will find me and love me honestly. And repectfully.

God please heal my heart and prepare me for whatever you have me to do. If it be single or to be married one day. Teach me to respect people despite their harsh words or gossip. Take these worries and wash them away. To those reading: grace is yours tonight, hold onto it tight and don't let the world rip it away.

c

Funny Website

Getting ready to head out the door but I had to post this website before I left....http://www.youhavebadtasteinmusic.com/. This is so awesome and funny. Finally someone I relate to on radio music of today. Hilarious, check it out.

Genesis 4: Cain and Abel

Cain and Abel


Today's bible reading, Genesis 4
I am waiting on a few friends to get back with me on some good online bible commentaries. I read New American Standard, so anything in line with that would be cool. I am very slowly beginning to read the bible again. This will probably be a Sunday ritual. Today is Genesis 4 and I'll probably back track through chapters 1-3 after I get hold of some commentary. Being so far away from my faith has made me a skeptical person, so now when I read I have so many questions. Things aren't as "doe eyed" for me as they were in highschool and college. So, feel free to post your thoughts in the comments section for this thread. I enabled the system so that anyone can post comments now. Below is Genesis 4 and my questions follow:

1 Now the man had relations with his wife Eve, and she conceived and gave birth to Cain, and she said, "I have gotten a manchild with the help of the LORD." 2 Again, she gave birth to his brother Abel. And Abel was a keeper of flocks, but Cain was a tiller of the ground. 3 So it came about in the course of time that Cain brought an offering to the LORD of the fruit of the ground. 4 Abel, on his part also brought of the firstlings of his flock and of their fat portions. And the LORD had regard for Abel and for his offering; 5 but for Cain and for his offering He had no regard. So Cain became very angry and his countenance fell. 6 Then the LORD said to Cain, "Why are you angry? And why has your countenance fallen? 7 "If you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it." 8 Cain told Abel his brother. And it came about when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother and killed him. 9 Then the LORD said to Cain, "Where is Abel your brother?" And he said, "I do not know. Am I my brother's keeper?" 10 He said, "What have you done? The voice of your brother's blood is crying to Me from the ground. 11 "Now you are cursed from the ground, which has opened its mouth to receive your brother's blood from your hand. 12 "When you cultivate the ground, it will no longer yield its strength to you; you will be a vagrant and a wanderer on the earth." 13 Cain said to the LORD, "My punishment is too great to bear! 14 "Behold, You have driven me this day from the face of the ground; and from Your face I will be hidden, and I will be a vagrant and a wanderer on the earth, and whoever finds me will kill me." 15 So the LORD said to him, "Therefore whoever kills Cain, vengeance will be taken on him sevenfold." And the LORD appointed a sign for Cain, so that no one finding him would slay him. 16 Then Cain went out from the presence of the LORD, and settled in the land of Nod, east of Eden. 17 Cain had relations with his wife and she conceived, and gave birth to Enoch; and he built a city, and called the name of the city Enoch, after the name of his son. 18 Now to Enoch was born Irad, and Irad became the father of Mehujael, and Mehujael became the father of Methushael, and Methushael became the father of Lamech. 19 Lamech took to himself two wives: the name of the one was Adah, and the name of the other, Zillah. 20 Adah gave birth to Jabal; he was the father of those who dwell in tents and have livestock. 21 His brother's name was Jubal; he was the father of all those who play the lyre and pipe. 22 As for Zillah, she also gave birth to Tubal-cain, the forger of all implements of bronze and iron; and the sister of Tubal-cain was Naamah. 23 Lamech said to his wives, "Adah and Zillah, Listen to my voice, You wives of Lamech, Give heed to my speech, For I have killed a man for wounding me; And a boy for striking me; 24 If Cain is avenged sevenfold, Then Lamech seventy-sevenfold." 25 Adam had relations with his wife again; and she gave birth to a son, and named him Seth, for, she said, "God has appointed me another offspring in place of Abel, for Cain killed him." 26 To Seth, to him also a son was born; and he called his name Enosh. Then men began to call upon the name of the LORD.

-v.4-5 ....And the Lord had regard for Abel and for his offering; but for Cain and for his offering He had no regard. / Why was Cain's offering of no regard by God? Was it solely based off of what Abel offered compared to Cain? Abel (keeper of the flocks), Cain (tiller of the ground). Or was it deeper than that. There was no comment on God's view of these two in this chapter, so how could it be related to maybe God seeing that Cain's heart was troubled as compared to Abel's maybe being more faithful, thus acknowledging Abel's offering more.....?

-v. 16-17 Then Cain went out from the presence of the Lord, and settled in the land of Nod, east of Eden. And Cain had relations with his wife and she conceived, and gave birth to Enoch;.......... / Where did this wife come from? Genesis thus far has only spoken of Adam and Eve and their offspring Cain and Abel, so where is this other person (or chick, ha!) coming from? It then speaks of Enoch having a child and so on........? Where does it tell us that other people were around? The next reference to Adam and Eve having a child is at the end of the chapter verse 25, Seth.

(listening to Roadside Monument and starting a drawing) So I'm here with my crucifix around my neck and Dublin Rocks tshirt attempting to make one with my oil pastels, sketch pad, and easel after a 'more than a year' departure from anything artistic. Drawing a tree to the left hand side, thinking of Eden and God's regulation on the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.....and I just can't let go of this odd feeling. My trip to Mobile this past weekend was the strangest ever. I never feel uncomfortable when I go down there but this time was different. It wasn't Docia or Tony because I felt completely comfortable around them. But it seemed like everyone else was out of sorts. Last night was especially confusing..........feeling like someone was distant and not open with me. For once I was completely comfortable with myself but wondering if I was a letdown.......so weird. Human nature............ Or maybe everyone is just going through something major. I just went home with leftovers of odd feelings not knowing what I did wrong for it to be such a strange visit.

I prayed for God to take the confusion away from me...............so that I could see truth.

Somedays I feel so hopeless and then somedays I feel like God is near. I felt as if something is to be revealed to me in the next 12 months while I was praying; guessing that this was the Holy Spirit whispering through the cobwebs in my heart. 12 months? Strange. One thing I know is that I'll have to make a decision about moving by the end of the year so I'll know what I'm doing when my job ends. My job will be over at the beginning of February. It may even be sooner, but we have been told that we will still receive pay like we're working through February. That way I could get another job (that's fun) and put that money into savings. What are my options in moving a boy asked me last night. Really I don't know. I want to make sure I'm not moving for other people. I've been doing for 'other people' for years and now I feel like I don't have any purpose. Please keep this in your prayers if anyone is reading this.........I have a lot to think about between now and my self-induced deadline for the end of the year.

(walks back over to the easel, picks up a graphite stick and starts drawing again)

I got in from Mobile around 2:30 in the morning. This was a lot later than I expected but Docia and I wanted to get some 'talk time' in before I left. It was a peculiar weekend in terms of seeing friends. They would talk to me one way and then the next time I see them or talk with them on the phone they would act completely different. I knew not to blame myself (which is something I used to and sometimes still struggle with), but in my heart I knew that I was being myself all weekend and it wasn't me acting strange. God and I had a really good talk on the way back as I listened to Sal Paradise and Sunny Day Real Estate.

More later. Must go to work.

Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
-Phillipians 4:5-7

I'm trying the best I can to relate to people and what life means but it's so hard. You put forth your life and heart towards someone, it doesn't work out..and then you're left not knowing where to turn. Things are so superficial in this life, in this world, in this age. Does anyone really respect anyone anymore? Is it all about one-upping your acquaintances with how bad you've been or how far you've gone? What happened to admiring and desiring the innocent things? Why do I feel so out of place everywhere like no one knows me anymore? I guess I just can't relate and don't care about diluting myself so that other people will like or desire me. I hate games and have hated how games have made me feel over the past 5-6 years. All I can do is just try to feel like there's something more important in this life. That someday someone will be in my life that really cares about me and not the facades, glitter, and show we put on to make ourselves attractive to others.

On the road.........

I can't wait. I get to get out of town for a few days. I'll be making my way down to Mobile tomorrow afternoon. What will I be listening to? I replaced the cds in my car with the ones below.....

-Sunny Day Real Estate: The Rising Tide
-Death Cab for Cutie: You can play these songs with chords
-Stina Nordenstam: And she closed her eyes
-Mike Knott: Strip Cycle
-My Bloody Valentine: Loveless
-Our Lady Peace: Spiritual Machines
-Viva Voce: the Weightless ep
-The Smashing Pumpkins: Rotten Apples/Greatest Hits
-Pixies: death to the Pixies
-Radiohead: The Bends
-For Squirrels: Example
-Weezer: Pinkerton

Books: I've started reading again. You must first understand that this is a big deal. Somehow I got through middle school, high school, and college without really reading anything. I think the only books I read were C.S. Lewis and that was for my own enjoyment. I wish that I could apologize to all of my English teachers from the past. Well, I started really reading in February 2003 to help me deal with all the time on my hands while I dealt with a major breakup. I've been listening to Our Lady Peace's Spiritual Machines a lot lately and it has inspired me to finally read George Orwell's 1984. I'm really enjoying it so far. Here are some of the books I've read since the start in February 2003.....

-Jack Kerouac: On The Road
-Janet Fitch: White Oleander
-Virginia Holman: Rescuing Patty Hearst
-Anne Lamott: Traveling Mercies
-Oscar Wilde: The Picture of Dorian Gray
-David Guterson: Our Lady of the Forest

I'm trying to feed myself with literary, cinematic, and musical inspiration since my artistic inspiration has been smothered for some time. I hope that these things encourage me to create again one day.

I love you all. Be awesome. Love God. and love the hopeless tonight.

Cindy

Stay gold pony boy......stay gold.

Today has felt better than the past few weeks........

I was feeling really sick last night (either illness or sadness, I'm not sure) so I stayed in. That's not very surprising since I haven't gone out anywhere besides Friday nights with my friends or getting out of town. It's like I just can't get the faith in myself raised enough to feel hopeful and be around people in stores, people drinking coffee discussing and laughing, couples holding hands........so I've stayed in my tiny apartment for about 2 1/2 months. (Yeah, I know..........pity-pot) Well, I was going to get out last night and purchase George Orwell's 1984. I have been listening to Our Lady Peace's 'Spiritual Machines' and it's helped me get into the mood to finally read 1984. I used to have a copy but it has taken missing somehow. Well, due to feeling really bad I just stayed home. This worked out anyway because I wanted to catch a special on VH1 about the first troops to be stationed in Iraq. They have been over there the longest. The special focused on the music they listen to over there to either get them motivated for their missions, to keep their hopes up, etc. It was a beautiful thing to watch knowing what these guys are dealing with over there and understanding how much music can mean in a persons life.

Well, just watching the guys on tv and the emails my brother has sent the family really made me look at my attitude. I'm suffering from a broken heart but there are people dying over there. People missing their families, their wives and husbands, their children........... And I sit here moping, sitting in my own discontent, asking 'why me?' when I take a look at the state of my heart................... Love is a beautiful thing but love also has really disappointed me, but I have hope in love. Today just felt different because I knew there were bigger things than my heartache. There are people on the streets without shelter, children being abused, people losing lives, people without hope, rape, anger, greed, war, pain............... and I sit sad and depressed because I feel like I have lost my soul-mate. What I fail to realize in my situation is that I loved with all that I had and more...but I can't make everything better on my own. A relationship is two people and when I look back I was loving honestly and deeply. And that's all I can do. I've got to realize that I can't fix everything. It's not always my fault the way things pan out... I'm tired of blaming myself.

I don't know how things should be over in Iraq, if we should be over there or not. I just wish that people could love and respect each other and value each other's feelings and lives. I pray that peace and love will overflow into all of the nations. We all fight and argue so much, between nations, between families, in our relationships.....but there is more to life. Each day of our life passes and we continue to argue and fight........

I pray for a sense of peace to flow over our hearts tonight and for my soul to be revived, because we are all worth more...................................................including me.

goodnight.

Some names have been changed to * for respect reasons. Just in case anyone even reads this blog......

Heartache and Arguments Dance In My Head...

You might notice that my post from Sunday night is now missing. I felt very vulnerable about what I posted so I decided to delete it..........

Still having a hard time getting sleep. I dream every night about life and relationships. ******* left his last voicemail message last Friday letting me know that he would not call me anymore. I feel bad that I have not returned any of his calls since the end of June, but there's nothing more that I can say. I have said it all and it seems like he would know what is hurting me and what made me break up with him. He said that I should just tell him what I want, I thought that I had done this in an email I sent on his birthday. He has to get himself together before I can talk with him. Through our whole relationship I would let my heart rule above my mind, but this time it's like my mind made up for being shut down for so long. Sometimes I don't know why I can't talk to him or why I won't get out because I'll fear that I'll see him around town. I guess because my heart is broken. It's been broken year after year and my mind wasn't going to sit back and let me take it anymore. Either that or God took control of me and told me that the best thing to do was to walk away. It hurts so much, but it's the same hurt I felt while with him.

God please help me get through this. This has been one of the most difficult things I have had to do. I do miss ******* but I don't miss what our relationship became (or who he became) during the last two months of us dating. Some days I know that I've done the right thing by forcing myself to walk away and somedays the fear that I have let go of all that we had built crushes me down.........

And She Closed Her Eyes

Tonight has been really rough on me. I've worked really hard the past two years to try and keep my emotions in check. Read a little, visited a counselor some, learned to love and respect myself more, and not cry while alone. Crying alone is the worst. It's easier on you when you are crying for someone else......maybe you're making prayers to God for someone else's woes or a solemn weep from a movie you've watched or the state of the world today. But crying alone due to your own dismay is the worst. It's lonely and turns into a endless cycle of sadness. Well, I slipped up and cried alone tonight. I've done really well about not crying a lot (except for a slip up with an old friend on the phone and tonight laying in my bedroom). My break-up two months ago really gets me upset sometimes. The questions of 'did I do the right thing', 'did I express love the best I could', 'will I ever see this person again', 'am I doomed to be alone and unloved relationship-wise' roll in your mind and torture your heart. I haven't slept well either over the past two months. I have been dreaming a lot, tossing and turning, heart-ache abounding. I feel like I truly have a broken heart....not only because I have felt hurt in a relationship but because I have placed hurt upon someone else by having to walk away.

The worst feeling to me is someone not feeling like you love them, no matter how hard you try to express it. I just want everyone to feel loved I guess and I sometimes forget to love myself in the meantime.

I pray for love and joy to be upon your hearts tonight. No matter how lonely you feel or how upset you are about making the right choices........know that you can make it. And I pray that I can remember that too.

(Ingrid called midway through this entry. Thank goodness! I had originally called her to chit-chat about life and find out how her vocal practices are going. -she will be singing at a Bay Bears baseball game at the end of the month; I'm so excited about getting to see her perform- But when she called me back I was boo-hoo city. She reaffirmed how I felt about things and encouraged me to be strong and keep hope. I'm so lucky to have the friends that I have.)

Sleep well,
Cindy

Well, I have computer access again. So maybe I'll try to work through these worldly struggles (the upcoming erasure of my department at work leaving me without a job in a few months, wondering where I will go after my job is eliminated, walking away from someone that has been in my life for a long time, feeling alone wondering about being a wife and mother someday, wondering who God is anymore and if He's got his arms around me, what I'm supposed to do with my gifts in this world, etc) as I type each Sunday. My first journal entry is below. May peace sweep your soul clean of worry and doubt.
-cindy-

Music: What's currently in my car?
-Roadside Monument: Cornerstone 2002
-Roadside Monument: I am the day of current taste
-Belle and Sebastian: If you're feeling sinister
-The Merbabies: Indio
-Pony Express: The eastwood dive
-Morrissey: Maladjusted
-Doves: Lost Souls
-The Smashing Pumpkins: Adore
-The Cranberries: Stars,The best of 1992-2002
-Mixed CD from a friend
-Our Lady Peace: Spiritual Machines

Movies and Shows I've been watching:
-Lost in Translation (amazing movie, my favorite for the past year.....plus an amazing soundtrack)
-Super Size Me
-Felicity Season II on DVD
-Kill Bill Volume I

Sunday------August 1, 2004-----2:27 pm

So here I am. Sitting in my car at the Montgomery museum of art parking lot. It's my favorite weather right now, parked under a tree--orange, yellow, red, and brown leaves trashed all over the ground. Wind is blowing continuously through the car (all four windows down)...sky is gray with excerts of blue, clouds piled upon each other just past the green hills across the way. Listening to Damien Jurado's 1997-Waters Ave. S. album. I've been able to listen to my old cds again. I felt so guilty trying to listen to them while I was with someone--not because of his doing--but because hearing old music would get me drpressed; thinking about who I used to be, my friends, and how close I felt to God. I miss all three--but hopefully I am becoming a new creation. I hate how artificial and fairytale Christianity feels to me now. I don't want it to be that way, but the worries and wearing away of the world upon me over the past few years has stripped me of that deep faith I used to have. I hate reading the bible and feeling like I'm reading a fiction book you'd pick up at the local B/N. It's like the despondent of this world have stuck a needle to my eye and inserted some solution, making everything I see and read of the "holy" misunderstandable and blurry. I hate debating if God is real, if I just hold on to the hope of faith for nothing. It's funny what the demons sitting beside you can make you believe (or disbelieve). It's like I have to start from square-1 again.

Things I experience that cannot allow me to let go of belief of God...
1) Him telling me to let go of someone.
2) watching the birth of life (either human or animal) when I watch medical shows on tv.
3) creativity...
4) having a peace, although I slip up at times and get sad, for two months of letting someone go.
5) the exploration of saturn & mars that I keep up with on cnn online. How could something so magnificent happen without God creating it?!
5) the spiritual connection I feel with certain people.

I pray that I'll survive and find that faith I used to have---or a new level of faith I could not imagine. For now I hope...that God will plant things and people in my life to remind me He's working on me. To get me back to life and breath in me a beautifully complex and faith based life----and feeling whole again.
Amen,
-cindy-